[Junia]

I've been in what I call the psychiatric closet for mode of my diagnosed history (nearly 20 years.) My supervisor knows, and is great. In recent weeks, though, I've dealt with both depression and hypomania and some possible rapid-cycling as well. Work had become just about intolerable.

I had a long, sort of wired talk with my boss, which has ended up with our strongly bending an unwritten corporate rule against working from home. (Only twice a week, two hours each day.) I'll get corresponding documentation from my doc next week; in the meantime, he gave me lamotrigine, which helped - I've evened out a lot.

The only problem is - now I feel kind of like a fraud. I told my cubemate I'd be coming in late twice a week (I claimed medical stress, which he didn't buy for a minute.) As I said I *am* feeling better. My supervisor is fine, but my department head hasn't said much to me in the two weeks since she heard (whatever my supervisor told her.)

I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep going with it although I'm not sure four hours a week will help much. There's a part of me that just wants to drop the whole idea and hope that I'm "just fine now, thanks." Still, if four hours a week was all I could negotiate, surely I should take it and run.

The problem with bipolar II is, sometime most of the "crazy" is internal, not visible to the outside world, so I look and feel, well, fraudulent. I know; it's not as difficult as trying to work through a manic episode. I'm lucky, in some ways.

But I'm also conflicted, and I welcome any thoughts you might have.

[Velouria]

I know what you mean, about feeling fraudulent. I'm not loud about what I go through, I don't always express my feelings and often hide them because I don't want to appear vulnerable or weak (or crazy). But sometimes, you just have to tell people exactly how you're feeling. You can't minimize it. I minimize **** all the time, and it's done me more harm than good. I'm just figuring that out. I often feel like people don't believe me. It's one of the worst feelings. You feel like you're being convicted for a crime you didn't commit.

What I wonder, though, is if you're beginning to feel better, and the hard part's over, why will you be working from home? Why not just continue being there full-time at this point, if work is no longer intolerable?

[Junia]

Mostly because it took awhile to get the change approved I still haven't go the last of th documentation from the doc.

Most of the reason for working from home is that the noise and conversation that happens first thing in the morning was driving me nuts - very loud, talks man in the next office, people calling to others up and down the hall - the frustration and lack of concentration screwed me up, literally, for hours. It's been quieter during the week - or is that the lamictal, who knows?

I swear, sometimes when I'm well it's hard to believe I haven't exaggerated the illness. But I also know that when the noise level creeps back up, so will the frustration. Do I sound confused.

[Junia]

I'm sorry. I keep switching back and forth; would be nice if I could do that privately instead of publicly.

The solution as it stands is not much of a solution at all. But it's better than nothing, when the issue I need to solve is getting home from work with enough oomph left to eat properly and do a little exercise. Work us taking too much out of me - partly because of my illness, and partly because of a restructuring that has made all our jobs more difficult.

One way or another, it will get solved.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by Junia

Mostly because it took awhile to get the change approved I still haven't go the last of th documentation from the doc.

Most of the reason for working from home is that the noise and conversation that happens first thing in the morning was driving me nuts - very loud, talks man in the next office, people calling to others up and down the hall - the frustration and lack of concentration screwed me up, literally, for hours. It's been quieter during the week - or is that the lamictal, who knows?

I swear, sometimes when I'm well it's hard to believe I haven't exaggerated the illness. But I also know that when the noise level creeps back up, so will the frustration. Do I sound confused.

Man, I'm right there with you very often at my job. Sometimes all the noise is like nails on a chalkboard. And I'm forced to respond a lot of the time -- if I don't, or if I give short answers and don't play along, I'm being a *****.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by Junia

I'm sorry. I keep switching back and forth; would be nice if I could do that privately instead of publicly.

The solution as it stands is not much of a solution at all. But it's better than nothing, when the issue I need to solve is getting home from work with enough oomph left to eat properly and do a little exercise. Work us taking too much out of me - partly because of my illness, and partly because of a restructuring that has made all our jobs more difficult.

One way or another, it will get solved.

So is this a way to ease into the adjustment to the restructuring?

[Junia]

No, the restructuring has been going on for six months now. What I'm really hoping to do is find a way to control the amount of stress in my work environment at least a little, so that a) I have some energy left at the end of the day to take care of myself, and b) - oh, drat, what was B again? - oh, prevent another hypomanic episode like the one I had in November.

[Velouria]

Well it's great that you have an understanding supervisor, that's worth a whole lot.

And technically you are under medical stress, so you aren't lying to your cubicle mate.

And if you're working from home for a couple hours before you come in, it's not like you're effing around watching TV or anything -- you're still being held accountable.

Don't feel like a fraud, you're not a fraud. You have a legitimate issue and you're dealing with it very responsibly. Your employers are actually lucky you're dealing with it in such a functional way. Just because you're not so dysfunctional outwardly doesn't make your issues any less legitimate or significant. You're trying to ultimately prevent things from being worse next time, right?

[Junia]

Thanks, yes, that's exactly what I'm doing - trying to prevent another round of hypomania.

[Flyer]

You are making perfectly good sense to me and I understand the fraudulence feeling.

I would see if there is anything your employer can do to accommodate you. Quieter work area, head phones or ear plugs, soft music, telling offenders to quiet down so others can concentrate... just anything that might help. Use your imagination. Most ear plugs don't cut out all noise, but help keep the volume down.

If you were hard of hearing, I'm sure they wouldn't have any trouble speaking up so you can hear them. Don't see why it couldn't work the other way, either.

Best of luck.

[Junia]

I already spent $200 on noise-canceling headphones. They would have gone for price over quality, and I needed a real solution.

Things got a lot worse in the last few days. Did I mention I was told it was okay to work at home, but not to tell anyone about it? Apparently there's a higher-up who hates working from home. He reached down three levels of management to tell me I now have to submit logs of what I do, whether I'm at home or not.

I don't understand this at all, but I know one thing for sure: if I go hypomanic within a week or two of this mess, I'm going to have to speak to HR. Or maybe a lawyer.