[Azumii89]

So a few months ago I started dating my boyfriend knowing full well he had bipolar and I do as well. What I didn't think about was the fact that we'd be so radically different in how our depression and mania works.
I personally like to be around my partner when I am sad. I want him to hold me, and just sit there with me, talk to me about anything and everything. He on the other hand wants alone time that can last up to a week at a time and then sometimes he'll ask me to leave because he has had a turn and is scared of saying something mean.
It's those times that has us at a cross roads. When he asks me to leave, my head automatically takes it personally. I then take a depressed turn and things go down hill. I also have severe anxiety, and on more than one occasion have found myself in the bathroom vomiting from it.

I find it difficult because he knows deep down he needs to get help (he wont take his pills because of the side effects), but he doesn't want to go to the doctor either. His depression confuses me SO much.

He also NEVER talks to me. He is the sort to shut down, where I am the sort that will talk about it, even if it's through a million sobs, tears, a runny nose, and takes me 5 hours to say.

I guess I'd love some feedback from people who have been in similar situations, or from people who react like my partner does, on how I can better understand him. How I can help him and make things work.
Any advice is appreciated.


Azumii.

It's strange how bipolar can effect people differently. I can really see how it would hurt you that your boyfriend wont talk to you when he is in a state. The communication is a key part in dealing with mental illness. In order for this relationship to work with both of you having bipolar, yall will need to learn how to open the lines of communication. Your bf shutting down the way he does is very unhealthy for the relationship, and I know this from experience as I do exactly what you are describing here. It's something I am working on and I can tell you that it has caused damage in my relationship with my wife. I think you and him need to sit and have a heart to heart about your situation and try to see what you two can do to make this easier. Having bipolar and being in a relationship is difficult. Its double the work with you both having it.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm cold and sensitive when depressed. If it gets bad I lay down and shut off, no eating, drinking, talking,just blinking and breathing I look "empty". If I was in that situation I'd tell my husband "No, just like he tells me." He may get mean but keep telling him you're staying. STAY.

[letsgogh]

I am a person who shuts down. Maybe stay anyway? If someone did that I might be angry at first but I'd end up being grateful probably. Unless he's someone who can get very angry when he's depressed, then that might not be a good idea.

Welcome, Azumiii!
I have a somewhat similar situation, though my BF has BPD, not BP. Nonetheless, the way he reacts when he's down is like your BF. Not only to isolate, but if significant enough, even to shut down to the point of sleeping for days on end. 2 or 3 is typical, though I think once it was 4. It gets very lonely, as, though we live in a city, are isolated in that we don't have friends. (I have one, kind of, but we haven't spoken in months.) It is SO hard to not get triggered by his moods and reactions. I totally get that.

When you are shut out, try to use that time as "you time". Maybe it would help to think of things to do (and write them down) before the situation occurs, so you can jump into them instead of having to come up with stuff while you're already dealing with how you're feeling. And if they're things that you enjoy, but he doesn't, all the better.

As far as advice, like ChaoticInsanity said, having a good constructive talk about it is important. Remember to keep it in "I" statements (like, "when such and such happens, I feel… as opposed to "you make me feel…"). "You" statements are usually taken as being accusatory, and then everything tends to get into defensiveness and throwing it right back at you. Then everyone's upset, and it can make gridlock. The other approach lends itself better to brainstorming for ideas. And both of you will have to be working on what you each need to do to make those ideas work. For instance, while he's working on whatever you come up with, you'll need to be working on not taking it personally. It's a teamwork thing. Oh. And the best time for such a conversation is when you're both doing ok.

When I'm depressed, I isolate and don't want to talk, so I can relate a bit more to your BF's reaction. But I don't want my BF to go away. Hugs would be nice. Little things that show caring with understanding of me, recognizing that I'm not able to give much back. (I'm not saying that's what I get, just an ideal I'd like.) So, basically, like what you say, but without the talking part. I somewhat understand your BF's reticence to talk for fear of saying something mean. Only for me, it's more that my thoughts are so disturbing, and would alarm him. But I've ridden this roller coaster so many times over so many years, that I know that what I've ridden through, and it goes much lower than what would set off an alarmed reaction in others (like support people). This is a bad thing, and very dangerous. But it is what I do.

But it does seem that both might be rooted in a similar fear -- upsetting others. My BF can get mean when he's down (or especially when down combined with anxiety.), but has times where he recognizes the way he's being and will say, "ignore me and don't take anything I might say personally". It's good to give a forewarning like that. Forewarning, and self-quarantine (isolating) are what I do when hypo in an irritable and aggressive way "for everyone's sake".

Um, that's about all, at least for now, as I have some stuff I'm supposed to be doing.

(PS, we've been together just over 5 years, and it took quite a bit of time to come up with tactics. And yes, it is very, very hard, even after so much time. It doesn't just go away. You'll deal with the same things over and over and over, but gaining coping skills helps make it more bearable.)