[Madison516]

I recently got on new medication. And maybe it hasn't kicked in yet, because I have been feeling depressed lately. Although I will say today is a good day. However, I did write a poem about some of the traumatic events in my life that are resurfacing. Apparently I had blocked a lot of them out, and now they're coming back. I know this isn't the poem section, but I just wanted to share some of my sorrow.

Memories

The demons of my past are haunting me
I thought I had let them go, I thought I was free.
I realize now my childhood was robbed from me.
I witnessed things a child should never see.
When I was four I remember my mother took me to see if John was my daddy.
He wasn’t and he was married so secretly I knew he was happy.
When I was six my mom’s roommate’s son touched my vajayjay.
He was 9, and said it was okay it was just for play.
When I was nine my dad’s ex-wife threatened my life.
She said she was gonna blow up our house and wouldn’t think twice.
Nothing happened of course she was addicted to drugs
But from there I wondered is this what happens when you love?
When I was 13 I watched the person I loved the most slip away.
My grandma was my heart and it hurts she’s not here today.
When I was 15, I lost my virginity to my best friend.
I didn’t like him like that, I just thought everyone was doing it and I just wanted to fit in.
I told a friend about it not knowing she secretly wanted him.
And soon she spread lies, and I became an outcast: me against them.
It wasn’t the first time this has happened in my life and that’s when I
Started wishing I was dead.
I had convinced myself I was unwanted and took a bunch of pills.
But it wasn’t my time yet and all it did was make me ill.
That same year I was with a guy ten years older than me who forced me to have sex.
I tried to leave him but he threatened to kill me and all my loved ones next.
My parents found out and sent him to jail.
Because detectives had come to my school and forced me to tell.
And then one day we just stopped talking about him.
It was like it never happened, like it was all pretend.
And these are just a few examples of the many memories in my head.
Why won’t they go away?
Why can’t they just be dead?
This isn’t who I am.
I’m normally happy and free.
I feel so lost right now.
I just want to be me.
The demons of my past are haunting me.
Lord please help me, and set me free.

[Gray Rider]

im sorry that you're caught up in these thoughts
hope you feel better

[palerefraction]

I identify with a lot of what you've been through. It's definitely a struggle, keep fighting. I hope your meds bring you stability