[Harley326]

I was diagnosed a little over a year ago after 4 hospitalizations in as many months. My dad is bipolar, so the diagnosis was a quick one. I took the meds pretty regularly because I've seen what not taking them does. I came out of the episode and here I am today.

Yesterday, I was at work (part time at a beer store/restaurant). A guy came in with his wife. The way he was acting screamed MANIA!! and as soon as I saw him, my heart sank. We get plenty of drunk people coming in and this guy was definitely not drunk. He wasn't unstable on his feet, he didn't smell of alcohol, his words weren't slurring. He was just really hyper and wanting to buy the whole store. He kept talking to his girlfriend/fiance about 'making babies' as soon as they got home and insisted she show me the diamond ring he had just bought her. He took one of each of the business cards we have on display. He tried to give me his keys. He kept claiming he was Jimmy Johnson and later a doctor (jokingly). He took all of the shiny pennies out of our penny cup. I played along with him. I laughed and joked back. I tried my best to make him feel as good as I could while he was there. He eventually said something about being on disability because he was mentally ill. When I finally got him to pay and head out the door, I was shaking and I could feel the tears.

My boss and a coworker both laughed their asses off and called me a saint. I had to head to the bathroom to collect myself so that I wouldn't break down completely in front of them. Another coworker came in and they both started to tell the story of the 'loud, annoying drunk guy' - guess they didn't hear the mentally ill part - that I had heroically managed with grace. I felt like a bigger and bigger piece of ****. Still do. My boss knows I'm bipolar and the coworker who was there while he was knows I've had issues in the past. I tried to tell them that I wasn't a saint, that I'd been where that guy was. I don't think they were listening at that point.

I've been spiraling down ever since. My fiance's brother is down from Connecticut for Easter. He used to work in a psych ward. I haven't told him anything about my issues, but my fiance has. I was hanging out with his little nephew and talking comic books and games and blah blah blah. I eventually said something about just talking out of my *** now (without the harsh language) and to just ignore me and then started laughing. The brother was in the room next door putting his baby to sleep throughout the conversation. He came out and started talking about a friend he had who was stabbed in the eye and had a crazy scar. Then about two gangs the 'Lion Kings' (uhmmmm, okay? guy with who got stabbed in they eye and had a gnarly scar and a gang called the 'Lion Kings' What the ****?) and the soldados who were at war in the town he grew up in and how the soldados killed his friend when he was in 6th grade and the friend was in 8th. He repeated that about 3 or 4 times. He was in 6th grade and his friend was in 8th. The family didn't want the gang at the funeral. They showed up anyway and a fight broke out. The casket got knocked over. His friend's grandmother was hysterical. The cops were called and had to stay for the rest of the funeral to keep the groups separated.

Now, I didn't say anything to dispute his story. Didn't say What in The Actual **** are You Talking About!? I just made the appropriate sympathy noises and oh, that sucks and so on. Is he trying to ****ing psychoanalyze me? Gauge my craziness? Did he hear me say something about talking out of my ***, so he started talking out of his? Were the main parts of the story true? Was he trying to subtly teach me a lesson? I was trying to get on with my fiance's family. I was joking around. My anxiety is ****ing crazy and doing anything for extended periods of time without becoming depressed is damn near impossible. And after I was already trying to get through what had happened early? Ha, yeah right. Is he judging me for the way I was interacting with his nephew? Could he not just come out and ****ing say what he meant so that I wouldn't be here 24 hours later still contemplating what the hell he was trying to get across?

I couldn't sleep last night. I was supposed to go out with my fiance, his parents, his sister, his brother, sister-in-law, their baby girl and their nephew. I was feeling so confident about it even with the run in at work and then he had to confuse the hell out of me. My stomach was in knots all night, I wanted to cry but my fiance was right next to me. I wanted to hide in the shower with my candles and no lights, but I couldn't without waking everyone up. I couldn't use any of my go to coping skills. The night would have been bad enough without the added stress, but it always seems like when one thing happens, at least 5 more follow. I ended up leaving at 2 after everyone went to sleep and just escaping the house with no where to go and no one to talk to. I ended up claiming that my head and stomach hurt and that I couldn't go. Anti-social me, again. Not doing anything with his family. Why can she go out with her family and visit them but she can't do the same with us? Why can't she just act normal?

Icing on the cake? I thought everyone was gone when I got up and got in the shower. I was listening to my favorite depressed playlist. Ha, favorite depressed playlist. Indicating I have more than one. That sounds healthy. Let's just say the songs aren't of the light-hearted, feel better persuasion, but, rather, of the **** everything, I wish I could die persuasion. Even healthier! Got out of the shower and his mom and dad had gotten home already. My fiance came in 10 minutes later with that look. Not sure if you know it, but it's the holy ****, what went down? Are you okay? What do you need? Terrified and worried and searching all at once. He wasn't home when I got out of the shower - I looked for his car. Pretty sure his parents told him to come check on me. Wonderful.

I'm dreading sleep - or the lack thereof - tonight. Driving around by myself is always my last resort. It makes my fiance nervous. When I told him I had to get out last night, he started asking why and stating that it had been a long time since I'd had to go drive around and now I've gone twice in the past 2 weeks. I'm dreading and just waiting for the questions about taking my meds and what have my pdoc/therapist been saying to start. Driving, showers, candles, loud music and any possible combination of the four always do the most to make me feel better. Two of those options have been taken from me while they're visiting. Driving is my only option. As my last resort, it of course causes the most panic. I really wish tomorrow wasn't Easter. Only a 4 hour dinner/egg hunt to get through with 50 people. Sounds like so much fun on a normal day. With the way I'm feeling it's gonna be a ****ing blast. Weird, ole me, ruining the day as usual.

[sorand0m]

That was a genuinely nice thing you did for that guy. You should be pleased with yourself!

I find that although bipolar controls my life, I have something most supposedly normal people lack - Empathy.

This includes the time I've spoken to others in my line of work who are manic. Unlike my colleagues, I can relate completely and I take my time because I know how it ends.

Be proud of yourself.

[Row Jimmy]

Triggers can be tough - I have a bunch that my family knows to avoid. One is Rachel Ray. "I'm here with Penny Vegemaster and she's going to talk about the 30 ways we can use bok choy for Easter"!

Kidding - a big trigger for me is people in general and I tend to be anti social too. I think it's noble that you have an empathetic side. That's something I'm not all that good at but your story helps me. I am trying to be more empathetic now that I know who I am!

[raspberrytorte]

One time an obviously manic woman came into the store I worked. Had a conversation with her in the bathroom. She caused quite a stir in the store. Talked to everyone in every department. I was in back doing my thing and a coworker came up to me, and the person I was working with and said, "Hey, my name, your friend is out there right now!" They all know I have mental situations on occasion. I thought what she said was mean, but whatever.

[yanks7]

It's carzy how crazy we preseve others sometimes. I've totally been that guy at times and at the time I am easily the coolest smartest person who ever walked the earth. But when you see others acting like that its like "what the hell is wrong with that guy? Oh, **** its me crazy, crazy stuff

[Fuzzybear]

[yanks7]

I like your hola bear