[Becoming]

I cannot seem to keep reality and delusion separate lately. This is not new and I don't really see or hear things, but what I will do is believe something is true that probably isn't. It's most prevalent after a night of bad sleep and realistic dreams. I get very confused.

Example: in my dream I thought I turned my alarm off in real life, but then I woke up and the alarm was still on. So it must have been a dream but it didn't feel like one at all.

Example 2: In my dream (I think...I'm not sure if it was a dream) I convinced myself not to go to classes so now in real life I'm not going.

Example 3: I had a sex dream, but I swore it was real. When I woke up though nobody was there and I realized I did not even recognize the person in the dream. Knowing this though I still think it was real.

What if dreams are an alternative universe? What if the things really happen and when we wake up the dream world misses us? The people in it wait for us to return to them. And we keep going back to sleep because our dreams are more interesting and sometimes less stressful than reality.

Apart from believing my dreams (which I really cannot convince myself 100% that they were dreams), I make up scenarios in my head. Then I feel real emotions until I "snap out of it."

Like...I thought my family died and everyone was comforting me and that I was planning to kill myself because I could not live without them. I panicked and got really sad until I "woke up" and realized I invented it. But it caused me to excessively text and call my family to make sure that they're okay.

Another thing...I thought that my ex and I made up but we both had new girlfriends. I felt very indifferent like I had moved on but that I still missed her. Then I "woke up" and realized I don't actually have a girlfriend...and my ex and I haven't spoken in like 4 months...almost 5. We don't like each other much because it ended terribly.

What if these things did happen and I only think that they didn't? Or what if I'm having visions and these things are really going to happen? Am I going crazy? I don't know! I cannot tell for sure if I'm delusional or psychotic or what in the world is going on. I've got a scrambled brain...running all over questioning what is real and what's not. That makes me bed ridden! It's easier to sleep or lay down than to go out into the world in such an odd state...to be afraid that I might run into someone I do not like or that some other terrible thing will happen to me. I could get hit by a car or a teacher whose class I do not attend could see me! But I'm so hungry and I cannot leave my room! So I must eat dry cereal.

There's an event I want to go to later but I'm not sure that I can! I cannot go into the real world today! Why? I feel insane today! I feel paranoid! I hate my bipolar and I want the pain to end so I thought of killing myself until I reminded myself how far I have come and still want to go. How easy it would be for the pain to end...so easy to stop being so crazy even if at the same time I'm not sure that I am. What is wrong with me?! Why is this happening? I hate bipolar!!! I just want to sleep forever...or until I'm better but I'm afraid I will never get better.

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[raspberrytorte]

Oh my god. Get some help now. My psychotic break happened because I thought I was in a dream, and that while I was sleeping (which was like two hours a night) was when I really was "awake". It was so horrible and just progressed and got more and more intense (with hallucinations and racing thoughts and pondering the existence of the universe and being convinved I was stuck in the nost horrible anxiety dream ever).

I completely lost touch with reality! I had stupid delusions. I felt the only way I could wake up and save the entire world with positive energy was by taking pills! I ended up inpatient.

Anyway, my point is that it sounds like you're headed in a similar direction. Get help now before it gets worse.

[raspberrytorte]

Wanted to add, I still have no idea what was real and wasn't during that week and a half.

[Iamalioness]

I just want you to know that you're not alone. I've been through what you're going through. It's good that you're asking on here about it because I didn't have this forum yet. I also never thought there was anything wrong with it. But from what raspberry torte says, it's not good. I hope you've sought out some help or that you plan to. I know I will next time I experience this. Thanks for posting - I learned something today!

[Homeira]

I had a very paranoid and hightly unlikely idea stuck in my head for a couple of weeks. I somehow knew it was not real, but still it would not leave my mind. I told my psych about it. She upped my meds (lamictal), I have been feeling better since. And the weird ideas I was having has gone away. It was meds that helped me through that I guess. Sometimes the brain plays weird tricks on us.

[Homeira]

Maybe you should not go to the event? Pushing yourself might be a bad idea right now. Maybe you should focus first of all on eating something. Take a shower. Go back to bed and sleep if that is possible. Being in the situation you are in now, your body is going through a lot of stress. Mental stress is very exhausting, and your body needs to get some rest.
And get some professional help as soon as possible. Don`t let this get any worse.

[Becoming]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Oh my god. Get some help now. My psychotic break happened because I thought I was in a dream, and that while I was sleeping (which was like two hours a night) was when I really was "awake". It was so horrible and just progressed and got more and more intense (with hallucinations and racing thoughts and pondering the existence of the universe and being convinved I was stuck in the nost horrible anxiety dream ever).


I completely lost touch with reality! I had stupid delusions. I felt the only way I could wake up and save the entire world with positive energy was by taking pills! I ended up inpatient.


Anyway, my point is that it sounds like you're headed in a similar direction. Get help now before it gets worse.

Yeah, it's getting pretty bad. A lot of it I think is just a whole ton of anxiety and stress. The less sleep I get because of it too then the more unsure/confused I become. I sometimes end up adjusting to the day, but most of the time the day is hell cause I'm freaking out. Nonetheless, I still have responsibilities and because I cannot handle them all, I pick and choose what is more important to me...which can get me in trouble sometimes.

I've only been inpatient once a bit over 4 years ago. I'd hope to never go back, but if I ever have to I will. I have considered it and I get scared I might go "crazy" (I hate that word) and have no choice.

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Wanted to add, I still have no idea what was real and wasn't during that week and a half.

Yikes! :/

Originally Posted by Iamalioness

I just want you to know that you're not alone. I've been through what you're going through. It's good that you're asking on here about it because I didn't have this forum yet. I also never thought there was anything wrong with it. But from what raspberry torte says, it's not good. I hope you've sought out some help or that you plan to. I know I will next time I experience this. Thanks for posting - I learned something today!

I have therapy tomorrow so hopefully she will help. It's hard to explain things to her all the time so the easiest thing might be for me to just read the post out loud or something. I do not want to wind up inpatient. I cannot right now especially. Too many responsibilities which I think are causing this craziness in the first place...so much panic.

Originally Posted by Homeira

I had a very paranoid and hightly unlikely idea stuck in my head for a couple of weeks. I somehow knew it was not real, but still it would not leave my mind. I told my psych about it. She upped my meds (lamictal), I have been feeling better since. And the weird ideas I was having has gone away. It was meds that helped me through that I guess. Sometimes the brain plays weird tricks on us.

I'm on Lamictal too and have consistently wondered if it should be higher. I am at 200mg and idk why but people say for Bipolar you cannot go higher than that but I see tons who do. I don't get why they can and I cannot. I should argue with someone about it....or rather politely advocate for myself.

I don't like knowing I have to take medicine every night. It reminds me I'm perpetually sick. This illness is with me for life and it only gets worse if I do not take my lamictal, but sometimes a couple nights in a row I will get stubborn and mad and refuse to take them. Bad memories...bad reminders. They can only help if I take them but I wish I did not have to.

Originally Posted by Homeira

Maybe you should not go to the event? Pushing yourself might be a bad idea right now. Maybe you should focus first of all on eating something. Take a shower. Go back to bed and sleep if that is possible. Being in the situation you are in now, your body is going through a lot of stress. Mental stress is very exhausting, and your body needs to get some rest.
And get some professional help as soon as possible. Don`t let this get any worse.

I ended up going only because a couple of my friends went. I didn't want to be inside my head. The actual event was okay because there weren't a lot of people, but I was freaking out in my head as I was walking there and back.

I can only sleep so much here. I'm in college about to graduate. Tons of schoolwork and classes. I really want more sleep but I cannot and not getting enough sleep makes me anxious because I know it makes things worse for me mentally. It's a vicious cycle that just makes me want to give up sometimes. It's like no matter what I do I cannot ever be better. I rarely feel better. I can think of very few times I was "normal" before plummeting into hypomania or depression. I want that but it's not possible long-term. I'm sick and I think you are all right that I'm getting sicker. This isn't the time for me to be like this. I have to graduate.

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[Skywalking]

The thing about 200 mg of lamictal is nonsense. My psych says effective dose is between 200-400 mg so you are at the bottom level. It kinda sounds like an AP might be useful, too.

Wishing you stability and peace. I know there are coping skills people experiencing unreality can use to stay grounded, maybe ask your therapist about them.

[raspberrytorte]

Yeah, I'm on 300mg of lamictal with no problem. My old doc upped it because I was in a really bad depressive episode and it got me out of it. I totally understand your feelings about having to take meds. It's always a perpetual reminder to me as well that I'm sick. And I hate having to take an ap now.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I was in a clinical trial for Lamictal. Initially they were having us use 200 mg as the baseline dose but during the trial they bumped everyone to 300 mg because they'd found it was much more effective. This was 12 years ago or so and that may have changed but they seemed to have some pretty definitive research that the 300 was better for most people.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Becoming

Yeah, it's getting pretty bad. A lot of it I think is just a whole ton of anxiety and stress. The less sleep I get because of it too then the more unsure/confused I become. I sometimes end up adjusting to the day, but most of the time the day is hell cause I'm freaking out. Nonetheless, I still have responsibilities and because I cannot handle them all, I pick and choose what is more important to me...which can get me in trouble sometimes.

I've only been inpatient once a bit over 4 years ago. I'd hope to never go back, but if I ever have to I will. I have considered it and I get scared I might go "crazy" (I hate that word) and have no choice.

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For me it started out as just extreme stress and anxiety and feeling things were unreal and like I was in a dream, but I knew I wasn't, but then I started really feeling like I was dreaming and was actually snapping my wrists with rubber bands to assure myself that I was awake. But then I got it into my head that I was actually snapping my wrists in my dreams, so that didn't work anymore. And then it just progressed, and I truly believed I was dreaming. Not a doubt in my mind. And the hallucinations and delusions didn't help at all! Like I was seeing words spelled backwards, people on my collages were talking to me. There were swirling colors on walls. I would see people walking, and then suddenly they would rewind, like a video rewinding or something. I couldn't concentrate. My racing thoughts got so bad it was like they were screaming in my head.

There was one time when I was on break at work and suddenly my friend was there (no idea why she would be), so I potentially could have been talking to no one at all in the parking lot! And then the whole positive energy thing, like in my mind I had to build up a whole bunch of it, so I could wake up and release it and everyone would be happy, and there would be no more hatred, etc.

I actually had a doctor in the hospital tell me how dangerous that was, to believe I was dreaming, because I could have crashed my car into something, or jumped off a building, or done some other crazy ****, and I was just like, why would I have wanted to do those things?! Killing people in a car crash would not be building up positive energy in my mind!

It was really intense. I truly was crazy.

That was just me though. Things just got worse for me. You may be fine. But I would seek out some help, just to prevent it from potentially getting worse.

And don't feel bad if you have to go inpatient again. It helped me so much.

[Homeira]

I took 300 mg lamictal for close to four years. They didn`t even consider giving me anything less. (And I had two different psychiatrist after another at that point, reaching the same conclution). This winter it was upped to 400 mg. My brother has BP II also, and he is very high-functioning, compared to me at least, and he takes 300 mg everyday. The information I have gotten is that 200 mg is a very low dose, almost to the point of having too little effect.
I read through this thread again this morning ( morning here in Norway... ), and I am so sorry that you guys are going through these traumatizing things. I do so hope things will get better soon!