[jacky8807]

so I am not sleeping or eating ect
and while half the night I will research sir issac newton and art history other times I get sucked up in weird youtube videos. I went on a whole binge of "the scariest drug public service announcements " and trust me with they are creepy especially at 4 am going on no sleep. I watched so many that when I would walk around my house the next day I imagined ppl dying of overdoses everywhere I went and its just distressful. This is only one example
I don't know what my point to all this is but I guess to ask if anyone else can experiences this. If I watch something healthy funny happy it is ok but I find myself sucked into these weird dark holes of research that have me haunted everywhere I go for days

[jacky8807]

another time I spent night after night researching ww2 Germany and although at this point I could tell you anything you wanted to know from that period I ended up feeling like I could sense dark Nazi spirits outside my door and visualized them and everything.

[Captinbipolar]

I tend to stay up all night when my mania starts to creep in. I to research a lot. I tend to focus on supplements and drug mechanisms of action, along with art and honestly some crazy stuff. I then get paranoid and think I can feel my body going unhealthy. As I progress I hear voices telling me I'm going to die and that I need to do something to fix it. I also believe I can feel chemicals in my brain causing damage. So I buy everything under the sun to help "heal me" I've wasted so much money on BS it's scary. I know where you come from. I know a lot about the weirdest stuff. Even with my drugs being changed up my manias creeping in. I haven't slept much either and it's starting to scare me. To cope Ive started to give away my credit card and call my doctor to get an appointment ASAP. A lot can happen quickly so as good as I feel I know it turns bad and that I need help. I don't have much advise for you other than calling your doctor. sorry I'm new handling this just wanted you to know your not alone.

[jacky8807]

thx captain!
the mind can really go haywire when all amped up
im going to probably (sigh) take Seroquel tonight. im not in a bad place yet (I am in terms of no sleep not eating weird thoughts ect but its just at a beginning stage) and I can see the forest through the trees at this point and I decided I don't want it going there
that's a big step for us sometimes!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Yes! I've never admitted this to anyone and I seriously doubt I ever will (my therapist would be so frustrated with me for doing this but I truly can't help it) but I wind up doing all sorts of horrible research. I start thinking about something and trying to understand it and then I "NEED" to know because I want to understand and NEED to understand. And that is why I have read massive amounts about school shootings, horrible details that make me sick that I know them like what exactly they found in Sandy Hook, or what they found in the WTC after the first crash and explosion but before the 2nd plane hit or the crash occurred. Or last night the detailed version of Bin Laden's death. Or Abraham Lincoln's life from the death of his son until the final time his casket was opened (of several) and he was finally buried under a ton of concrete. Or on and on and on. For me it started when I was first working in healthcare and needed to learn about new conditions so I would read a lot about it online. And then I just started doing it about seemingly anything that catches my interest. It's not always morbid, the morbid things are the ones that I can't believe I read, but I've also read everything I can find on various people who catch my interest, authors, athletes, artists, historical figures, Kirkbridge buildings, etc. For a while last year I got deeply into genealogy but that got to be too expensive. At one point I started watching vlogs people took, usually secretively, while inpatient just so compare to my own experiences (and I was always left wondering how on earth they did that; it would be pretty near impossible to do that from my hospital. I was given my cell phone once when I was accidentally sent an email accepting my resignation I had not given and the # I needed was on the phone and I didn't want to have the conversation on the hall phone but I was supervised with it and doubt I even had video capacity back then. I'm allowed to do phone therapy with my therapist when IP b/c I request it and the psychiatrist says I do better after the sessions but even that they set me up in a conference room on their phone. I don't even know where I dug those out of other than somehow on youtube.

Something triggers my interest in something and I start reading and then feel I MUST UNDERSTAND and that seems to always lead to things I didn't really need to know nor were they healthy for me to know but once you do know you know it and it's hard to forget.

I have to say I'm a little relieved I'm not the only person who does this kind of thing.

[jacky8807]

I am so relieved too! It IS the morbid stuff that follows me after and imprints on my brain but it still happens. I am in the medical field too (nursing) but I think we would have made great journalists/reporters!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm an OT. I agree, research would have been an excellent job choice. Even in grad school I over-researched everything. I really started getting bad the last few months of grad school so that was an early symptom. I even had trouble studying for my boards because I wanted to know everything and that wasn't exactly possible. I think that the inhibitions you give up working in healthcare make the ability to read and want to know about morbid stuff easier, at least it does for me. I know what death looks like so reading about it doesn't bother me as much as it probably should. And in healthcare you need facts, facts, facts and that seems to have carried over too.

[Captinbipolar]

Haha this is so funny because I thought I would make a great pharmacist, doctor, or nutritionist with all the medical research I end up doing. The funny thing is that my manias play nicely with my ADHD so my research so while in depth, is so scattered it ends up becoming close to useless. So glad to see I'm not alone on this

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I was at it again last night. I don't even remember what I dug through this time.I used to read everything about my meds but I'm not allowed to know because they don't want me to know what an unsafe dosage is. I'm not so sure that it matters but I promised so I don't look. But I can find plenty of other things to read about.....I can't imagine bipolar without the internet. Books don't keep my attention when manic; I read the same pages over and over without it sinking in, so I can't imagine that being what I needed to do to keep my mind busy.

[simplydivine1030]

OMG I'm glad to know I'm not alone.. I spend time researching the strangest things.. like plane crashes, last words of death row inmates, ISIS etc.. and then I find myself completely paranoid but I also know everything about that particular subject.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Plane crashes....another of my many bad ideas. That I've read about extensively, more than once. ISIS is too scary, can't read that. I guess I do have some limits. Risking seeing someone beheaded is one. I've read a ridiculous amount about the Supermax prison where all the terrorists are kept. I was describing this to my mother recently and she was looking at me like WHY do you know this????

[Captinbipolar]

Lol justmejen I totally agree about the internet verse a book. I can't them when manic. Nothing sinks in like you said and I constantly read the same page over and over again as well. This is so funny that it's a common problem! I though I was alone!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Oh, internet scams......I can read about those for days. Scammers fascinate me. Although I get sick of having each and every one accused of being bipolar.

I went through a serial killer phase but it got to be a little too scary. But of course I can't un-read what I've read. If I run across a reference to something from before I can remember I read about it. I spent many hours once reading about John McCain's torture as a POW.

I am so relieved to be able to say I read these things....like I said my therapist would be very unhappy with me but it's almost a compulsion to keep the manic brain thinking about something different and that leads to weird choices of topic.

[jacky8807]

I have done multiple serial killer stints and later pay for it. All subtypes ...women serial killers ect ect. The time one news article on child abuse pped up I ended up researching

TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER

horrific child abuse stories for days DO NOT DO THISS
my mother is like keep your mind filled with healthy stuff and its like I know but but omg look at that horror over there. Let me see if my already fragile mental state can become more traumatizing !

[BeyondtheRainbow]

LOL. But so true. It's always been my little secret and I alway assumed people would say "then don't complain when you can't sleep". Except that it doesn't seem to affect my sleep in any way. There is one thing in my life that I can't post about online b/c it is someone else's legal situation but it's very difficult and I've promised to not read about it. Except every once in a while I really need to know something to understand the process. I stick to very factual information about that and don't get into anything that will upset me and I still get in trouble for that. So I can only imagine what could happen if I ever explained this weird compulsion.

Sometimes I do use my powers for good; I found out a lot about my cat's kidney failure and did some things that have kept her alive and healthy much longer than expected. I find fun things to do with my nieces. I know pretty much anything that is in the news. And then I just know too much.

[jacky8807]

oh me too! I am just mentioning the dark ones because its unusual other ppl say this
I look up and learn about lots of healthy stuff too and anyone else reading this thread probably thinks im a scary person lol

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Yeah, that's pretty much why I decided to mention good things..... We may be starting to scare others.......But I agree, I am so glad to know I'm not the only one who reads what I should not.

Do you think it affects your sleep?

[jacky8807]

haha hopefully didn't scare anyone. But it IS psych central lol
so I don't think it effects my sleep because usually I am in some kind of state if I am up all night researching random things. I think the epidode more or less effects my behavior
I am naturally curious and all that but obsessive research is another story

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I don't think it affects sleep either although I'm sure others would have other opinions. I think it is better than staring at a wall trying to sleep when you aren't sleepy.

What I also find weird is that there are things I totally stay away from.I got rid of television a long time ago so when hurricane Katrina happened I didn't have news coverage. I couldn't bear to see pictures or even read some of the news stories. So I know very little about that because for some reason it sounds traumatizing while other stuff doesn't.

One of the worst things I did was when my cat was diagnosed with end stage kidney failure I read a site where people treated their cats no matter how sick they were and so I read some horrific death by kidney failure stories where the cat really should have been euthanized before it had to go through what the people were describing. It made me start promising my cat that I would never let that happen to her. She's deaf now so she can't hear me promising her but I still do, frequently.

[jacky8807]

im so sorry you are going through this with your cat. I know this must be so hard on you..there is a time for all of us I guess but that knowledge does nothing to prepare us or make us feel better

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I mostly think she'll be fine. She's been fine from so many things it's hard to imagine that she won't be. I imagine I'll know in about a week. I ordered the glucosamine things with Prime by it said it won't be here until Tuesday. Hopefully that's not correct and I can start her sooner.

The truth is I'm not completely sure that the person on the phone was saying something besides glucosamine. But the vet gave it to me last month so I can't imagine that another vet is now saying it could kill her.

Hard to know but I have to do something.

[Row Jimmy]

For me, a single-minded focus is helping. I focus on ME. I try to keep a routine - get to bed at a good time, wake up at the same time, eat well, no booze or other bad habits, and try to keep the chemistry centered. It is tough living in the society in which we live. We're all expected to be everything and everywhere. It's impossible to meet the expectations. So, I simply do what's best for me.

The key is to remember. I use index cards to remind me not to go off the deep end with my anger, paranoia, ranting, and racing thoughts about the unfairness of life.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

This is absolutely not intended for you Row Jimmy, just thoughts that you happened to bring up. I'm not offended by you, I'm offended by a family member with too many opinions.

I've been trying routines for the past 16 years. It doesn't work and honestly I've reached the point the when real-life people tell me I just need to sleep on a schedule it makes me want to cry (or scream, depending on the person).

I have followed the same routine for the last 7 years at least, with occasional changes to try to see if that makes meds work better. It does not. It's very hard for some people (ok, ONE person in my life) to understand. I know that it theoretically should work. It just doesn't. For a long time after starting my MAOI it did. I took meds at 9, was in bed with lights out at 11 (because I was sleepy) and I woke up at 4. Sometimes the amount of sleep was questioned but this seemed to work for me and I loved having the early morning hours to sew or make supper for that night or to finish paperwork or whatever. But then things happened and that schedule was destroyed by whooping cough of all things and that was the end of that.

I have never understood though why that should be a cure-all. I did not sleep when I was an infant. I didn't sleep normally throughout my entire childhood, teenage years, college, grad school, etc. I don't think it is built into my system. I think when it worked it was just the perfect combination of meds and that perfect combination stopped working.

So now I do the best I can. And because the best I can do is often very out of line with what life expects that is one of the many reasons I'm on SSDI. I wish that it were different but it is what it is and at this point with my meds as high as they are I don't think it's likely to change anytime soon.

I wish it were as easy as it was that wonderful time that it all worked. I loved that time.

[jacky8807]

and that is my next big goal
with all I have going on its hard to focus like that at times
It DOES feel like im being pulled from all limbs from life at times
but my new goal ..I decided...was to focus on being a healthy me like you mentioned.
You would think that was easy but...

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Jacky8807 is some kind of IOP program a possibility for you? You just got out of the hospital recently right? I just wonder if this time between jobs might be a good time to do that.

I know very little about them, I should say as a disclaimer. The ones connected to the hospital I go to are apparently wonderful and everyone loves them but I live too far to go there. I tried to go somewhere else but they wanted to prevent me from seeing my therapist or psychiatrist while in their program which also wasn't as life-skill-intensive as the one through my hospital and I didn't trust their psychiatrist (bad experience with his business in the past), want only my therapist, and it sounded like it was mostly 6 hours of daily babysitting so I didn't do it. But I know great programs exist and people who've done the one at my hospital say it really helps with not feeling torn apart. They are usually really proud they did it. I am always envious.