[BeyondtheRainbow]

Because I'm mixed all the mania I'm complaining about isn't my only problem. Every day I wake up depressed and tired and sluggish and then gradually get more manic. By mid-afternoon it's uncomfortable. Right now I need to move and want to walk the dogs (2 miles of fast walking--heaven) but I'm waiting for my psychiatrist to call and I don't want to be gasping for air and trying to make a red heeler (aka most excitable dog on earth) behave while talking to her. So I"m waiting for her to call before I walk them. The risk is she may not call until 5 or 6 pm. I need something to clean but my mom's house where I'm dogsitting is always too neat. I am more agitated today than I got yesterday which makes me worry that the extra Seroquel/Valium already are starting to work less. Probably not and I did get a precious 45 minutes or so of sleep last night but I don't trust my brain right now. And every morning I wake up and feel the depression and wonder if today is the day it crashes down. Avoiding that is one of the big things on my psychiatrist's list but anxiety is so high today that it feels like everything must be going to go wrong. I'm a lot more manic earlier in the day today. But that may be because I am anxious about her calling and what she'll say.

It doesn't help that the meds are upsetting my stomach and so I have only eaten a little applesauce today. Hopefully that will calm down soon. Yesterday it was a little upset but I could eat. Today not so much with the eating.

Oh well. All I can do is wait and hope that I get to do the dog's exercise soon. (And the really strange thing is that even as agitated as I am feeling I'd also like to go to sleep. So the sedation is doing SOMETHING although I seriously doubt I could sleep if I tried).

This is the hardest part of the psychiatric process for me---hurry up and wait.

[BPgf]

This is an interesting subject to me. When you are mixed is it high and low simultaneously, or high and low fluctuating throughout the day, or high that turns into low (or visa versa)? Having never experienced a mixed episode, I've always wondered.

Let us know how it turned out for you. At least you have a dog that matches your highs. (silver lining?)

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Yes, the red heeler comes in handy at times. His buddy is a big old golden retriever who just ambles through his walk but the first walk is always power-walking at red heeler speed (actually slower than he'd like but it's only possible for humans to walk so fast).

It is both at the same time. But you can feel them separately and I usually have certain times of the day that I feel one more than the other. For me usually it is depression early, mania later but the other things never go away. So like right now I'm manic and struggling to cope with that but I also feel like I want nothing more than to sleep (a typical depression sx for me) and I'm on the edge of tears even though I won't cry because I don't when manic and usually don't when mixed unless I'm with my therapist or psychiatrist who help me sort out the feelings and I connect more with the sadness or something. It kind of feels like you have everything at once and your brain is fighting over what is in control (which I think causes the times you know you are down or up and when the brain just throws up its' hands then it is just mixed and ugly; my mind is racing and my body doesn't want to do anything because in some ways I don't have the energy the mania is demanding. that tends to just get worse and worse as an episode goes on and then eventually I'll crash and go to primarily being more depressed although I'm never not mixed in an episode. Does that make sense? It's hard to describe. And for me it can be more difficult to sort out what is what sometimes because I have dysphoric mania most of the time so I am not dealing with feeling good and feeling bad at the same time. Mixed makes it very hard to identify how I feel one any given day during an episode; mood charting is a joke.

My psychiatrist told me once that mixed is one of the worst feelings there is. I tend to agree.

[Homeira]

I agree that mood charting is hard when going through mixed episodes. I use a chart that has limited options, but I still use it because it is so easy. But it doesn't help to chart the more mixed days. I just put down mixed now. I have some periodes like what you are describing, even though I go into hypomania, not mania. On those days I try to not interact with people close to me, since I know from experience that I can act in a very rude and hurtful way, because I am so stressed out. I try to journal those days, but it is difficult because my thoughts are all over the place!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Homeira-I gave up on mood charting clear back when I was first diagnosed and was in a clinical trial. MOod charting was required and I struggled with it for about 12 weeks and then just started "forgetting" a lot. Like every visit. I was always trying to make multiple highs and lows on the same day in these little boxes that weren't intended for that and I think they were glad to see me stop creating such chaos on paper. When I was working I had very specific questions I would ask myself as soon as an episode started and then throughout it, every day, to determine if I could be with patients. I worked in long-term psychiatric for years (a place for people who were deinstitutionalized, couldn't live in the community and couldn't live in the state hospitals) and that was the most important place to monitor myself because a lot of those patients picked up my mood and amplified it back. Which is NOT good when you have a bipolar therapist and a bipolar patient or when there is a hint of psychosis coming from the therapist. I loved that job but eventually it was too much stress and I couldn't be the right person for the patients so I left. That was my 2nd favorite job I ever had though. I did feel very weird about it sometimes though, like when I was walking around with the keys to everything and my passcode to get on and off the units and I knew that eventually I was probably going to be the one on the other side of those keys (I hadn't been hospitalized then). I had a list of hospitals our patients went to so that I could be sent elsewhere if that was needed. It was a weird feeling that was only topped by being on a locked dementia unit in the days leading up to my first hospitalization when I knew that in a few days I wouldn't be punching in the magic numbers and distracting the patients while I slipped away.

I've long given up on trying to be concise or make sense when writing when mixed. Sometimes I manage and sometimes I don't and I figure it it's too hard to read people will ignore it and the important people will figure out that it is written that way because of how I am doing (my poor psychiatrist. I try to write clearly for her and without tangents and I never succeed). I've tried before to write what it was like in my head while mixed and it looked like 6 people were throwing out thoughts an I was recording them despite having no connection to one another.

I finished my master's thesis about 2 months before my first true episode. I am so thankful for that; I can't imagine writing a thesis in manic and then having to translate to academic.

[Homeira]

Again, recognize myself in what you are describing. But I still try to keep somewhat track of my moods. Last years chart was full of gaps where I didn't bother to mark anything. But I get some sort of idea what that year was like. I forget a lot, and I just want to have something to help me remember. I also never throw away an almanac, and I have several of them already this year. It is important to me, because I hate that I forget so much. (Always lists all over the kitchen, and little scraps of paper I tape on certain cupboards).
It sounds like your mixed episodes last pretty long. Am I right? Mine are one day here and there.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My episodes tend to go on for months. Until 2 years ago I was pretty much always in one. Then it settled a bit and I've had minor ones and one that was bigger than happened to respond well to a med change before it got too horrible. This started in January as more depression when I had to give up my certification for OT (not give up, retire in good standing but it still hurt a lot) and then my therapist and I had a rough patch and by the time that was over this had kicked in. It was still hypomania and then my cat nearly died of pancreatitis/shock and I didn't sleep for 36 hours or so. Several days later I was up closer to 48 straight hours and so that was worse. And so I was doing badly and my psychiatrist was aware but there weren't any quick fixes to try b/c my meds are so maxed out so we just used valium which usually makes things better and I wore my MAOI patch less frequently to decrease agitation and then I saw the psychiatrist when I was hitting manic and we changed several things. I then went 39 hours with one hour of sleep and things just blew up from there. I think that was 2 weeks ago? 3? Hard to keep track. So now I'm on these emergency doses and waiting for further instructions. Since she hasn't called me I'm guessing she isn't going to today (although I've been wrong before) which is bad because the MAOI patch is to stay off until I talk to her and if that's going to be Monday that could cause a crash. Which she knows so hopefully she gets in touch soon.

This time is especially likely to go on a long time just because I always get manic in June. Typically we're ready for it and handle it easily but this year that will be harder so we need things to be more level by then.

I write a blog and that's how I keep track of what has happened and when I've had what episode. I also keep track of med cocktails that way which was so helpful when I applied for SSDI. It's hard to read when Im' manic but it is written down at least.

[Homeira]

I am so tired right now, had a busy day, new haircut, etc. Now I am exhausted and have a headache, and I don't think I am going to be very coherent with what I write It's past midnight here in Norway. A blog is an interesting way to keep track of things. Maybe I should consider that. Thanks for writing so well about what's going on with you. I have a hard time putting the really difficult stuff into writing. Helpful to read posts that I can see myself in, in a lot of ways. Now I am going to take some painkillers and try to get some sleep. Hope that you will have a good evening tonight

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Homeira I hope you feel better when you wake up and having a good night of sleep. My blog is www.masterofirony.blogpost.com if you want to look but look fairly quickly b/c I'm going private about the end of this month (depending on how I'm feeling and whether I'm locked in a psych unit at that time) but soon for sure. I need to have a private place to talk about some things that are about to happen i my life. I've been blogging over 9 years and really like it. I've made a few friends (including another bipolar OT) and have learned a lot. Lately I've practically given up on writing much more than random manic musings.

Hoping for a good night here. I've taken my Seroquel and other meds and soon it will be time for valium. We'll see what happens from there.

[JaiHanaLakshmi]

Originally Posted by BPgf

This is an interesting subject to me. When you are mixed is it high and low simultaneously, or high and low fluctuating throughout the day, or high that turns into low (or visa versa)? Having never experienced a mixed episode, I've always wondered.

Let us know how it turned out for you. At least you have a dog that matches your highs. (silver lining?)

I know for me personally, it is a mix of both, but it usually starts out as one, and then I can feel the other creeping in and then it's full blown mashed together and that lasts a while, and I can feel both of the extremes which is such a weird feeling....

Then, something happens, and one of them dies down, and I stay with whichever one is left, and it just keeps happening..

Its the weirdest thing to feel energetic, vibrant and eager about jumping your car off a ramp into sand dunes or into a neighbors house. Or feeling a deep deep sadness because the world is so beautiful because you saw a random frog hopping across the street. It's like you see pictures of Ghandi and Mother Theresa and all people helping others in Africa get clean water and the like filpping through your head all because of a frog.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Yes. This. I don't get a lot of the extreme happy/extreme sad together but I do get very dysphoric manic and feel like I'm doing ok with it and then the strangest thing makes me cry and then I'm back to just irritable and agitated. Or there is my current being absolutely exhausted and absolutely unable to rest. It's hopeless to fight it too because it is stronger than I am when it pulls in 2 directions like that. If I tried to sleep now I'd wind up wide awake staring at walls until I couldn't bear it and getting up would drastically increase my agitation so the exhaustion would just get shut out even more. Like my body thinks exhaustion doesn't matter.

Originally Posted by NoHopeHana

Its the weirdest thing to feel energetic, vibrant and eager about jumping your car off a ramp into sand dunes or into a neighbors house. Or feeling a deep deep sadness because the world is so beautiful because you saw a random frog hopping across the street. It's like you see pictures of Ghandi and Mother Theresa and all people helping others in Africa get clean water and the like filpping through your head all because of a frog.