MIXing it up

A. How long are your mixed states?

B. Are they a fluctuation between high and low throughout the day or from day to day, or do high and low occur simultaneously?

A) 2 to 3 months.
B) I think they occur simultaneously. When I'm in a mixed state, I have difficulty realizing that I'm manic 'cause I'm so focused on how depressed and irritable I feel. It wasn't until I read some of my mental status exams from the medical records I requested from two different pdocs that I realized that what feels like irritable depression to me looks like mania to other people.

I think I may be mixed right now. But, I may be a little drunk right now too, lol. I know it's not actually that funny, it's just funny to me, hahaha. But anyway, on a serious note...I have only had one known mixed episode and it lasted for months. I had symptoms of mania: no sleep, pressured speech, irritability, delusional thinking, but at the same time I was constantly crying and severely depressed.

I really do think I may be in a mixed episode now though and it is entirely different than before. I have some symptoms of mania: reckless behavior (mostly reckless spending), lack of sleep (followed by oversleeping) and irritability. I had about 3 weeks of elevated mood and in the last week am back to extremely suicidal. I am honestly not certain this is a mixed episode though. Right now I'm not sure what the hell it is. At the moment, I feel damn good but it is not PR friendly to stay drunk all the time apparently. So, I guess we shall see.

I don't think I've ever been diagnosed with a mixed episode but most of my depressions include manic symptoms, especially racing thoughts and lack of sleep. I'm not sure if that's an agitated depression or a mixed episode. I don't understand the difference.

I am sort of blended - mixed with some rapid cycling. The timing of my mania and depression are tight to each other and I never seem to be in "baseline" mode......hence my wife saying I never "seem to be happy". I'm either too up (abnormal) or down.

My episodes seem to rapid cycle in four and five day segments. My cycle is usually upbeat hypomania - a little too high but creative, good attitude, and super-positive about life followed by some trigger (often related to work) that puts me into a mild depression in search of an escape with paranoia and wild ideas about changes. The anger and frustration usually comes at the beginning of the depression. After, I just sort of sulk until my next hypomania which comes back around a week later.

My goal is to start letting life come to me.