[Louemz]

Hi all. I'm gonna apologize in advance if what I'm about to write seems a little ignorant or even idiotic, but this is something that is becoming an issue of increasing concern for me.

In a nutshell, what I want to ask you all is what does it actually feel like to be manic/hypomanic? I have refractory depression, the symptoms of which have proven very disruptive for me in terms of suicidal ideation, hygiene and sleep.

A recent event has kind of got me thinking that maybe there's a little more to my affectivity than just depressive episodes. Here goes...

3 days ago I got this very familiar, jittery feeling at work in the early afternoon. By the time I'd finished my shift it felt like I was on amphetamines (I have had experience with them) and I had to fight the urge not to start dancing and slapping my knees to the beat of the music playing in my headphones whilst on the bus. Things felt hilarious for no particular reason. I got home and was messaging a good friend who is planning on teaching overseas in two months, and somewhere during that conversation I ended up purchasing a flight to a different country for my partner and I...still haven't booked a return flight for myself as I convinced myself I'll continue to another country and hang out with a friend. On top of that, I also decided it would be a reasonable idea to apply for a substantial personal loan If you asked me earlier that day whether I could foresee myself in another country in a few months I would have said hell to the no! I felt elated after booking, and the last few days have been wasted on booking sites to make plans (again leading to elation).

Tonight, everything is slow. I went straight to bed after work and haven't left. I used the above example to highlight my question, as having never been diagnosed with bipolar, I don't know exactly how mania should feel. I've had the same experience countless times before, with the "speedy" feeling often leading me to impulsively spend or abuse multiple substances at a time.

Can anybody with mania relate to these patterns/feelings? I've been thinking about telling my pdoc about my not-so- productive habits for a while, but have chickened out every time due to shame or fear of being judged.

Thanks.

[cashart10]

Yes, I have these same emotions and often the same notions while I am manic and making extreme uncharacteristic decisions can be a sign of mania, However, no on except your doctor can diagnose you and I would recommend you being entirely honest with him.