[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've had this happen before when manic and I will be letting my pdoc know about it Monday morning but I'm starting to have some visual hallucinations. I'm seeing things flying at me in the edges of my vision and my computer screen has black things on the edges.

I don't get too scared because I know what it is but it's such a cruel hallucination: I am terrified of birds. I really, really dislike them. Back when I did home health one family let their parakeets fly around at will but after the first day when I said "oh I'm fine" but kept ducking when a bird flew near me they started locking them up for me (thank God). And so I hallucinate birds. They make me duck because it really seems like they are getting close and then they go away.

the weird thing is that I'm not exceptionally sleep deprived. I don't know how much sleep I got last night but it wasn't a terrible night and I napped an hour. This mania wants to be sure I know about it.

Hate this. Hate it, hate it, hate it.......

[Row Jimmy]

This happens to me all the time. I see shadows fly by the corner of my eyes. I can't link it to anything specific like my hypomania, they just sort of happen, especially when I'm in my office or wearing my headphones listening to music.

[wildflowerchild25]

I usually see a person coming toward me and then disappearing. I also see cats walking around. It only happens when I'm bad so I know it has something to do with that.

I'm sorry it's happening to you! I hope it subsides soon.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

It is better today. Still there but not constant. I know being tired makes it worse but I can't sleep so I'm not sure what the answer to that is. Since my mom bailed on plans I think I'm going to try to sleep some more. Maybe they'll go away.

I really wish I could start the Latuda now.......I really hope my pdoc has the samples in June. Then it's only 2 weeks until I can start it. I am so mixed right now that my mood chart looks like scribbling. I haven't had a middle value in days.Maybe today will be the day.

[cashart10]

I'm glad the hallucinations are getting better! I hope you are getting better soon, too!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Right now it feels like I will never get better and this awful mixed, dyshporic mania is my new life. 3 months this has been bad and 2 months building up to it. And although it had improved now it is as bad as it was before although the symptoms are a little different. It feels like my head is just going to spin off my neck and fly away. I know logically this isn't forever but that is becoming very hard to believe emotionally.

I'm sure you understand.

[ivylynore]

I am so excited to hear I am not the only person this happens to. The other day I saw a football mitt out of the corner of my eye and I was sure it was a squirrel. Like, a moving, detailed squirrel. Then when I looked at it, it was just a mitt. This has been going on since my first mixed episode (so about 6 months).

[BeyondtheRainbow]

It's not pleasant. Sometimes I mistake things for something else. Usually when this happens whatever is coming at me (usually it is birds, I think because I'm afraid of them so it's exactly the worst thing my brain can think of to fly at me; airplanes coming at me would not be nearly as scary as something that I'm terrified of. And yes, birds are beautiful and sound lovely but only from a distance.

Usually it only happens for me when the mania is very bad and I'm exhausted. Right now the mania is bad and I'm exhausted from the depressive part of the mixed crap. Tonight will be risky because I drove an hour and 15 minutes to a therapy appointment at a closed office so now I'm tired, depressed and manic all in one nice glob.

As a warning I don't know what meds you are on (and no matter what you are on you should let your dr know you're having this) but I once had ltihium toxicity with pretty high levels and this same kind of hallucination plus hearing voices when I was not manic sent me to the emergency room. Thankfully my pdoc guessed what was happening and had them ready for toxicity, not a transfer to the psych hospital building and so it was caught very quickly and when they brought a medical student or intern in to let him see the effects of acute lithium toxicity I suddenly realized all the symptoms I'd been ignoring. (It was also funny because he must have been told he had missed something in his treatment plan and to speak up when he knew what it was because when it got to thirst he suddenly leaped up, ran out of the room yelling "FLUIDS!!!" and was never seen again but fluids were started about 10 minutes later. I was amused, or as amused as I got with that trip.)

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I thought there was a flame burning in my bedroom. No flame, just a water bottle in the place my "flame" was burning. So annoying.

Probably doesn't help that I'm not relaxing tonight. I cannot settle down. Probably because of my trip to the closed therapist and then I was in a couple stores. I just don't seem able to handle stores right now.

I'm starting to forget how it feels to be ok. This started mildly in January and has been constant since February and bad since March. So nearly 3 months of it being bad. Too long. And now I feel pressured to sleep because I might need to go in to my therapist tomorrow. I really hope not but I could. And even if I don't I have to take stuff to Medicaid and get some food. I'm down to nothing.

Scared of what I'll see next.

[Sinking Feeling]

I get more audio then visual. I even get tactile hallucinations more then visual too. Once in a great while I get visuals too.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've got tactile too for the first time. Bugs crawling on me when they aren't. The hard part with that is that when this house was built they put in windows that open from the top and bottom but screens that only cover the bottom. So if my windows are up bugs get in around the gap. I remember discussing this last summer but not doing anything about it. This year since I'm not stuck in bed with a cast up in the air and visits from bugs breaking the boredom we're going to have to do something. The problem with your mom being your landlord is that it's hard to demand things you would from someone else. And she was too intimidated to have the builders fix the screens when they screwed up. So I have bugs and then I have not-bugs on me. It's all kinds of fun.

This episode has been much more hallucination-y than others. I think that may be from how long it has been bad and only really partially responding to my med dose increase but I really can't tolerate more. I don't think. I'm about to say I'll try. I think that 3 months of not sleeping well or much is catching up and my tired brain is creating these things out of fatigue. There are lots of days that I get a reasonable number of hours of sleep but they are broken up and I don't think I sleep soundly or well at all on the valium (or the high dose seroquel, take your pick).

[Sinking Feeling]

Lack of sleep is not good, specially if your not use to it. Talk to your pdoc what he may be able to give you for sleep, in short term, such as ambien.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I never sleep much or well. This is just cumulative exhaustion from severe mania it hitting 3 months of being bad after a 2 month build-up.

My body eats sleeping pills like candy, unfortunately. I'm currently taking valium (in addition to my other 4 or so sedatig drugs) carefully planned to first catch it when I start to relax followed by more when I start to get sleepy.

But sadly, this is normal for me. It's been a while since I had anything this bad though which just makes waiting it out harder (I've had meds adjusted and am hopefully starting Latuda as a 2nd AP in 2 weeks).I used to be used to this but since I've had a break for a while it is shocking what it feels like. I tend to forget manias and only remember depressions. I think tihi sis why.