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#1
May 30, 2015, 03:32 PM
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I'm going from fine to crying to fine to ridiculously hyper and finding everything so funny in just a few minutes. It's not pretty. I have absolutely no idea where my mood is anymore.
I feel so strange because my therapist says I'm "extremely ill" right now and yet part of me completely denies that. That part wants to say "but I'm ok" and there are ways I'm ok. I'm still getting up and getting dressed and showering. I'm doing at least basic housekeeping. But I'm also pretty much at the mercy of the mixed crap now. I asked a friend how I feel ok and yet can be "extremely ill" said by someone who hates exaggerations, even for humor. Apparently I've done this before, managed to hang on to some abilities like writing (if done slowly and carefully with spellcheck) and then felt like nothing was wrong. In fact my willingness to say something is wrong may be actual progress. I just want to be able to read my mail without tears. (Medicaid issues; they changed my address when I told them to but not to the actual correct address; instead they used my mom's address for some reason. I've been denied for my annual review but that's in opposition to what my caseworker told me. I'm confused and I need medicaid to be in place because of the risk of hospitalization.) Or the news. Last night I sobbed for 2 minutes because I saw the opening of the observation deck of the Freedom towers on a video on the news. Still not sure why that was so emotional for me. The book I'm reading is great but because I know the main character is going to die at the end I keep getting teary in the happy parts. I never cry more than a couple minutes, it's just so out of control. Like everything else...
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily |
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#2
May 30, 2015, 03:37 PM
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That sucks so badly and I am so sorry. I think you know IP may be a necessity. Please do what it takes to make yourself feel better and keep yourself safe.
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***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
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#3
May 30, 2015, 04:47 PM
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Yeah, I know IP is very close. I'm trying to make it 9 more days until I see my pdoc. Hopefully I'll hear from her before that. But if I can just make it until I see her or can start some other med I can at least buy time. I need another med though. That much is clear.
I talked to my mom about this tonight and she knows that the hospital is looming. She did tell me I sleep more than I think. She has no idea apparently what sleeping small increments of every hour you sleep really does. But she's trying and doesn't have a full knowledge of everything going on.
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily |
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