[BeyondtheRainbow]

I was a lot better today with the paranoia. We talked about it and how scary I've found it and he pretty much just helped me keep a foot in reality about everything. Since I wasn't panicking like last night it was easier to do. I am going to see another therapist next week because he really wants me to be monitored, paranoia or not. It's a mess because she knows that I'm on the verge of hospitalization and so first I had to agree to be hospitalized if she thinks it is necessary and then he had to make sure the information about where I go and how to reach my pdoc was at the front of the chart. I asked him to note that my pdoc always should be contacted first to try for a direct admit instead of the ER and possibly not going to mood disorders. Then I wound up with a 6 pm appointment so this stranger will decide and if she thinks I need to go in it will be via ER. Lovely. It can't be helped but I do not like the idea that someone who doesn't know me is responsible for that particular decision.

I am just glad that I'm still home. I keep being afraid that eventually these scary symptoms will be enough to be sent to IP and I don't wan to go and don't think I need to yet.

[Crazy Hitch]

Glad to hear the paranoia has subsided somewhat because you were having a real hard time with it. I think it's a good idea that you are monitored, at least for now anyway. Yeah I know last year (I think it was last year) the arrangement was for my pdoc to admit me as opposed to ER but honestly I can't even remember the rationale behind that decision truth be told. Yup. The thought of a stranger making a decision seems daunting. But I guess if you're just open and honest like you are with us here, in theory one would think that would be the best step moving forward. You seem very in tune with what you feel and you have a great deal of awareness of events that are happening.

I'm also glad that you are a home and I wish too for you that you find some relief from your symptoms too. I wouldn't want to see you IP either. But. At the end of the day it is all hopefully going to work out and be the decison that serves you best in the long run.

Look after yourself and keep us updated!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

For me having my pdoc admit me makes a big difference. My hospital has a small mood disorders unit that is generally nicer and much quieter (except when gero-psych next door gets wound up) and she can get me in there and as a direct admit I avoid the entire ER run-around. Going in through the ER, especially with psychotic symptoms, I could be admitted to the general floor and while worse things have happened in life I feel safe on mood disorders. I know the nurses, the routine, where things are and how to access them, etc. Mood disorders even has a computer so I can email and the like. Other floors are more traditional and while I'd survive there I'm going to be more relaxed and happier where I am familiar and where it is a little less restrictive (still all the typical rules, no shoe strings (although during the day you can have them but nobody ever does), no cell phones or anything electronic, etc. but there is the computer, there is free access to snacks and drinks and activities, and there are only 10 people max and you have to be able to be reasonably quiet and calm to be on that unit. With my current symptoms being near someone screaming would possibly result in my joining in...with howling in pain.....not really handling noise so well right now.

The therapist isn't even in the same city so I assume they'd give me a chance to call someone to take me in or they'd call an ambulance and I'd eventualy get transferred to my hospital (or not which could be REAlLY bad since I want my pdoc involved in med changes). I've never asked.

Plus my pdoc is less likely to admit me than the therapists. She just is more comfortable with me being out than they tend to be.

So my biggest hope would be if they decide I need to be IP that they let me wait until morning to get it arranged. Somehow I don't see that but that will be my hope until I know I'm safe next Tuesday. I'll be so glad when my therapist is back. This is probably the worst I've ever been when he left for vacation, just by chance.

[Crazy Hitch]

Yes. I think that the concept of our pdocs admitting us, in terms of a sense of "familiarity" stems from the fact that they know us best. They've worked through our medical records, they know our history and it's almost like they know us "best". In having said this though, I would imagine that someone who is screening a patient for admission / non admission to a P Ward would be highly trained in this particular field, and would know what they are looking for too. I think your ability to express how you feel, coupled with their knowledge, could very well prove to be the best way forward for you. Routine is good, it gives us a sense of comfort. But don't forget, we are also good at adapting, if need be, and I don't doubt that regardless of where exactly they place you in a hospital, if they were to place you, you would be able to adapt too.

Yes, Ts do wonders for us, so I'm glad yours is back. I think it will benefit you.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My therapist is just leaving for vacation. He'll be back a week from this coming Monday. I have some things going on to keep me busy and I'll be adjusting to my new med. Next week is up to the substitute therapist. I've seen her I think twice before. I know that he keeps her generally caught up on me because she's my fill-in for an emergency but it's just not ideal right now.

I'm sure I'll be fine. Here is a little bit I'll take my new med and probably sleep through tomorrow.

Hopefully the paranoia will stop quickly with the new AP. I dread tomorrow because I'll have some side effects that are doubled with coming down on the dose of the old AP and going up on the new one and those side effects are hard to handle, like it's really hard to pee and my mouth is so incredibly dry that I can't imagine it getting worse.

But the end to paranoia, hallucinations and mania will be worth it. I hope that comes fast.