[BeyondtheRainbow]

I was just basically paranoid like thinking people were talking about me and not wanting anyone sitting or standing behind me because they were certain to be talking about me and making fun of me.

Now that has expanded to a lot more. I'm feeling paranoid that my therapist and pdoc aren't telling me the truth about how I'm doing. A few days ago I thought they thought I was faking. Therapist at least showed me he doesn't think that but now I think he's exaggerating how sick I am for some reason. Pdoc I have no idea about but I feel like she's sick of me and just gave me meds to shut me up. Yet the reasonable part of my brain still knows that she wouldn't have put me on a med that nobody knows much about if she didn't find it necessary. Going on a 2nd AP has been discussed for about 2 years and we've always found a way around it. She also told me on the way out that she was thinking about is coming out soon but all that she could come up with is a modified Abilify and I had a bad reaction to the original so probably can't try the new one. I need a completely new atypical. Or Latuda but the rep from there never got back to her about samples. And I doubt we'll be changing quickly if this loxapine works.

I never saw my mom today (she was at my sister's) and when she got back her dogs were barking a lot and I started thinking my mom had something really wrong or the dogs wouldn't be watching me from her house and barking at me if they saw me. But they do that all the time. I felt like my mom was avoiding me and I think we just didn't cross paths.

I have been playing the same 7 songs all the time. I play them at home. I play them in the car. Monday I had about 6 hours in the car and only listened only to these 7 songs. And I've not learned the words. I'm becoming convinced that I'm incapable of learning. My brain has turned to mush.

It's a long story but my youngest brother who I haven't seen since he was 4 graduated from high school last week and I am sending a card and gift card. I automatically put my return address on it and then got upset b/c I'm sure his mom, my father's ex-wife, will destroy it when she realizes it is from me. I never hurt them and supported her after she left my father, even while I was ending my own relationship with him. She promised to never break my relationship with my brother and then did. I'm terrified this is the worst mistake ever but I so want to connect to this young man who was a pre-schooler when I last saw him. I have many paranoid ideas about all this.

I'm so paranoid I'm not mood charting because I feel like people are just laughing at my efforts. My OCD-ness is very high and so I feel like the charts should be perfect and of course they aren't. All anyone has said about the charts is that it must be painful to live that way. I'm coloring and coloring in an adult coloring book and have all these ridiculous rules and when I mess up and screw up my elaborate patterns I get upset. Nobody is seeing the coloring books but I feel like if I mess that up that I can't ever do anything properly because what is simpler than coloring?

My therapist is going on vacation and is going to want me to see a stranger (I've met her once or twice before when he was on other vacations when I was unstable) because of the psychotic symptoms. I feel too paranoid to see a stranger and talk about what I'm thinking.

I fee like just handing him an index card when I walk in that says 'very paranoid, enjoy". I've never been paranoid quite like this before.
.

I feel like everywhere I go people are laughing at me or hating me. This is out of control. And not fun.

[Crazy Hitch]

May you find some comfort soon

[Sinking Feeling]

I get really paranoid too, some times really bad and cross over to delusional. Your not there yet! If it's entirely possible for it to be true, it's not delusional. If it's highly unlikely or next to impossible, then it can be a real problem! The things you are feeling are all very possible! However unlikely they are, they are very possible if you know what I mean. Since I get paranoid a lot to various degrees, sometimes it's very helpful for me to remind myself this. And realize just how improbable it is. If you don't it can spiral out of control as you know.

Try shrugging it off as possible but not likely. See if that helps.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'll try this. I did manage to tip into delusional the other day per my therapist. I honestly didn't fully understand the conversation because it made sense to me but he said it was so there it is.

I do know that having the ability to negate the bad thoughts is good. I'm just scared how long I can do that considering how much worse this has been getting lately. But hopefully therapy and starting my new med tomorrow willl stop it before it grows. Right now it feels like a flower that is opening up and keeps getting bigger and bigger and eventually might eat me. But I still know things are probably not how I see them and that's good. I just wish I had asked my pdoc at my appointment if things were ok and explained why I was asking instead of trying the iffy email on a day she wasn't in to get emails. And I just realized I also didn't get a new appointment day. Ugh. Maybe she really does want rid of me . (that truly is a joke).

[Sinking Feeling]

OMG beyond, delusional is no fun and very scary. I once thought (ok more then once) that my family and friends were plotting to kill me! I was convinced of it! Once you spiral out of control it's harder to get out of it. But you caught it in time and I am sure you will be fine! Please keep posting your feelings and progress. It really does help!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Yes, it does. My therapist leaves for 10 days after tomorrow so I'll be needing the board. He wants me to see someone else that I've seen before when he was gone but I can't see going to talk to a stranger about my paranoia so we'll see. I also just may not feel great with the new med starting. She said to expect to feel bad for a few days until I don't have the high dose seroquel in my blood along with the new drug.

Delusional is confusing. He was reading something I wrote and said something about don't you think that is delusional which is a really goofy question. But I guess I see why he thinks that although I am not sure I agree. I think that what I said I can do is something I can do. He says not.

Large parts of this are new to me. I've had had psychotic symptoms but never so many. I'm still freaked out by this weird experience last week. I saw someone homeless with a sign asking for food. I pulled into a parking lot and grabbed a bag of food I have in the backseat for that purpose. (My pdoc has questioned the safety of this so my thinking that it's fine may also need to be explored. I always keep a safe distance, only do it where it's very public, and I think I'm safe enough but she questioned it). But anyway, in the 15 seconds I was grabbing the bag the man disappeared. There was no where to go that I couldn't have seen just because of the location. So it seems I've possibly been hallucinating homeless men but we'll never know for sure. However, that one was pretty freaky.

I'm scared of therapy because I'll find out what other tricks my brain is playing on me. What I can't see myself when pointed out to me is bothersome. Either I can immediately tell he is right or I can't and then it bothers me more. And I really do not want to see the other person. He's going to say that I'm on the verge of IP and need monitoring but I don't know how much monitoring there will be if I'm too paranoid to talk to the woman.

There are no easy answers. So hoping loxapine is a really good drug for me...

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Yes, it does. My therapist leaves for 10 days after tomorrow so I'll be needing the board. He wants me to see someone else that I've seen before when he was gone but I can't see going to talk to a stranger about my paranoia so we'll see. I also just may not feel great with the new med starting. She said to expect to feel bad for a few days until I don't have the high dose seroquel in my blood along with the new drug.

Delusional is confusing. He was reading something I wrote and said something about don't you think that is delusional which is a really goofy question. But I guess I see why he thinks that although I am not sure I agree. I think that what I said I can do is something I can do. He says not.

Large parts of this are new to me. I've had had psychotic symptoms but never so many. I'm still freaked out by this weird experience last week. I saw someone homeless with a sign asking for food. I pulled into a parking lot and grabbed a bag of food I have in the backseat for that purpose. (My pdoc has questioned the safety of this so my thinking that it's fine may also need to be explored. I always keep a safe distance, only do it where it's very public, and I think I'm safe enough but she questioned it). But anyway, in the 15 seconds I was grabbing the bag the man disappeared. There was no where to go that I couldn't have seen just because of the location. So it seems I've possibly been hallucinating homeless men but we'll never know for sure. However, that one was pretty freaky.

I'm scared of therapy because I'll find out what other tricks my brain is playing on me. What I can't see myself when pointed out to me is bothersome. Either I can immediately tell he is right or I can't and then it bothers me more. And I really do not want to see the other person. He's going to say that I'm on the verge of IP and need monitoring but I don't know how much monitoring there will be if I'm too paranoid to talk to the woman.

There are no easy answers. So hoping loxapine is a really good drug for me...

Just keep posting here. We're all here to listen and support you

[raspberrytorte]

Paranoia sucks.

For whatever reason my paranoia is always on the delusional side, like thinking there's something evil stalking me, or people are video taping me with their stupid phones, just stuff like that.

I can understand the not sure if you're hallucinating or not thing. That happens to me sometimes. Like the other day at work I saw a person across the street, looked down, looked up, and suddenly said weird looking person was gone. That's confusing. And it wasn't even a shadow person (the just black form people I see sometimes when I'm depressed).

Anyway. Hope you feel better soon.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Paranoia is no fun.

Hope you feel better soon!!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Most of the hallucinations have been the shadow variety. Enough to be frightening, not long enough to worry me for very long. Hopefully the homeless man was magic and able to disappear (that's the only way I can think of for him to vanish where we were) because it is really scary to think that my brain made up an entire person that was entirely believable and then didn't even worry about it until days later when I realized he may not have been real, finally explaining his amazing ability to disappear.
Hopefully this will all be done tomorrow. I don't know how long the knew drug takes to be fully effective but it sounds like some effect is possible from early on b/c it is similar to Seroquel.

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Paranoia sucks.

For whatever reason my paranoia is always on the delusional side, like thinking there's something evil stalking me, or people are video taping me with their stupid phones, just stuff like that.

I can understand the not sure if you're hallucinating or not thing. That happens to me sometimes. Like the other day at work I saw a person across the street, looked down, looked up, and suddenly said weird looking person was gone. That's confusing. And it wasn't even a shadow person (the just black form people I see sometimes when I'm depressed).

Anyway. Hope you feel better soon.

I'm sorry Hun that you're feeling this way. I once thought I was moving out of state to be killed by my partners family and buried in the woods. Since I was driving, I tried to get arrested by speeding because I had warrants out on Christmas. He just gave me a ticket, so I felt doomed after that. Of course nothing ever happened.

I find AP effects are instant, like in an hour. Of course, one would need to zero in the perfect dose. Just relax sweety, and just keep in mind that its your mind messing with you and that it's not real.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks. I got some sleep which helped. My mood is much lower today than it has been. Probably from dreading this med change. It will be fine in a few days but the side effects will apparently feel doubled the first day or two from getting my Seroquel dose down.

It would be better if I weren't doubting everyone who I come in contact with. Friday I'm off to dogsit at my sister's for a few days and I have a feeling it will be the best thing ever because there won't be anyone to be paranoid about. She lives on a backroad and there aren't even visible neighbors. So unless I go to town for something I'm able to control things better. Not that I live in a city or even a village but I can see and hear neighbors here and maybe not having that will help somehow.

I do have to deal with their chickens and I'm normally scared of birds so that may be interesting but they are mostly just beyond chicks and I don't have to physically come in contact with them, just open and close their door and give them water.

Have to get ready for therapy. Really wish my therapist were taking vacation some other time.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Thanks. I got some sleep which helped. My mood is much lower today than it has been. Probably from dreading this med change. It will be fine in a few days but the side effects will apparently feel doubled the first day or two from getting my Seroquel dose down.

It would be better if I weren't doubting everyone who I come in contact with. Friday I'm off to dogsit at my sister's for a few days and I have a feeling it will be the best thing ever because there won't be anyone to be paranoid about. She lives on a backroad and there aren't even visible neighbors. So unless I go to town for something I'm able to control things better. Not that I live in a city or even a village but I can see and hear neighbors here and maybe not having that will help somehow.

I do have to deal with their chickens and I'm normally scared of birds so that may be interesting but they are mostly just beyond chicks and I don't have to physically come in contact with them, just open and close their door and give them water.

Have to get ready for therapy. Really wish my therapist were taking vacation some other time.

Hopefully once the meds kick in you will feel a bit better and more settled, which should help with the overall anxiety and paranoia.

Dogs are great and it's a wonderful opportunity for you to look after your sister's dogs because it can be distracting which is sometimes what we really need, just to get our minds off things I think. So hopefully you will feel better with that too.

Yeah I don't know if I could do looking after chickens so good luck with that and let us know how you go