[bbTofu]

Yesterday, in therapist's office ...

20 minutes of speaking faster than Busta Rhymes.
Speaking so passionately, though forgetting why I talk about what I talk. I barely let her finish a sentence because she speaks too slow... You get the idea.

Among the lines, we spoke about my recurring suicidal thoughts.

Then, all the sudden, it was like a truck unloaded 1,000 stones on my chest.
I felt slow, heavy, unable to make my mouth speak.
Took me 10 minutes to just say; it hurts. I hardly formed another sentence to the session's end
Came home. crawled under the bed for hours. empty, hollow, hurt.

I had planned to go to a Activism-Protest and promised 4 friends to pick them up. that thought was bouncing in my head for an hour, I thought I'd cancel but eventually decided to go. Woha.. No idea how I gathered enough powers to do that.

I was being a zombie the whole protest. usually those events lift me up.

Then, at about midnight time, I returned to life, 'woke' up with no apparent reason.
We went to different places that I wanted, drank some beer, ate icecream, I drove super-fast, I was so high all the sudden. we were partying and everybody loved it that I woke up.

Today. met few friends to finish some presentation for university.
I was spirited, creative, I felt like I'm genius, brilliant ideas, trying to make sense out of them, mumbling non-stop, they tell me to SHUT UP and breath but I nononono ...
It went for hours, I was overwhelming to them
Few hours later. BOOM, like yesterday. out of the blue, despair, I want to die, I don't know what the hell is going on, I don't know nothing, I had to drive home, I couldn't drive faster than 90 km/h . everything felt so damn heavy, the gas pedal.. I couldn't imagine driving faster, I wanted to bury my head under my bed's pillow. home, I wanted home.

I can't make sense out of this, it is frustrating.
I thought it's all self-created, but why can't I keep the highs, I rather be overwhelming at times, irritable, than feeling like a black hole absorbs me slowly, painfully.

I don't get it. Why, how...
It's just... I want to be freed from this.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Panic attacks?

[bbTofu]

Panic Manic Panic Manic, lol

Not that I'm aware of, no.

[bbTofu]

am I getting crazier, much worse ? i feel like it's getting worse. is it bpd? cyclothymia? freakin restless now.

should be sleeping now, but feel like going for an endless run lol

[thecrankyone]

Rapid cycling?? Mood elevator goes up and down multiple times in a short period. Ask your doc about it.

[RisuNeko]

Just a question not meant to offend but do you do any drugs?

[bbTofu]

It's okay.
I used to smoke marijuana but not on a daily basis, whenever friends would bring.
Once a year I'd drop acid (LSD) with few friends in nature-party.
I love my wine from time to time, nothing abusive though.

I don't abuse drugs as I used to like 5 years ago.

Rapid Cycling ? I'll read about it a bit more.
I haven't met a Pdoc for years now.. I know I should, it's just ... bit complicated.

[RisuNeko]

Good at least you're not using drugs now. That would make things even worse.

[bbTofu]

Today a friend of mine offered me to smoke Marijuana joint with him, I said no.

He was very surprised but I said it may confuse me very badly as I was hypo-manic, super energetic restless.

[RisuNeko]

I'm glad you made the right choice. Weed could send you into psychosis like it has for me back when I smoked it.

[bbTofu]

Usually I'm completely okay with weed.
But if I smoke it now, it probably will confuse the hell out of me.

I think I'd gladly try some mdma, cocaine when I feel bit.. dysthymic.

Sounds more like BPD that BP honestly. It is very rare to cycle throughout the day with true bipolar. It drives me batty the amount of people that claim this type of "rapid cycle" You can have both, but really most of the time people diagnosed and treated for BPD tend to lose the BP diagnosis after they sort through their issues in therapy.

Have you been journalling?

[bbTofu]

I'll try to summarize some psychiatric experiences from my past;
5 years ago I was discharged from army after 2.5 years of service.
I was depressed, I didn't cooperate, the army psychiatrist evaled me as Psychotic because I answered "yes" out of pressure to questions like "do you feel like u are being watched/you hear voices etc.."

Discharged, I was then diagnosed with severe depression.
After like 6 months, pdoc said I have psychotic features. I began to function (found a job, was raising a puppy dog too hehe), the depression got better but the psychotic episodes (paranoid nature) didn't go away with depression.

My psychotic episodes were mostly; Ultra racing thoughts, paranoia (I thought people are evil, I thought they think about me and harming me, I was afraid to walk in my neighborhood alone), I was confused and terrified by confusion, I was repetitively asking "what's going on?", began self harm at some point.

I got better with time. practiced some spirituality. I had 1 year break from psychotherapy, then came back. after a while Pdoc said I have cyclothymic disorder, had no idea what it means, I refused any drug treatment and never paid much attention to this, changed therapist when I began my studies (schedule didn't fit hers) and rest is pretty much same as today. except last 2 months; I don't recall ever being this hypo for long periods of time.

While I'm quite certain I'm not bipolar I, as I don't recall full blown mania episodes, although do feel hypomanic and had severe depression in the past.
I'm really not sure about BPD;
I'm not aggressive, can be quiet demanding at times, especially when feeling high.
I don't think I ever judge friends or criticize them for not being there for me.
I don't change my "higher-values" often, actually they're well standing.
I can change my mind in matter of seconds. I don't have severe dissociative symptoms, although when down I can feel bit disconnected.

Frankly, I don't have frantic fear of abandonment nor super-intense relationships other than with myself

Is denial of BPD characteristics is a symptom of BPD ?

Could be PTSD too. Didnt think of that at first, I think I was on a rampage yesterday hahah.

Hope you can find some peace.

[bbTofu]

Nah, no traumatic events that caused ptsd.
I'm thinking (from most lo least likely); Bipolar Spectrum (cyclothymia), ADHD, BPD.

I guess can have all three of them or something . . .

Anyways, feelin' alright now

Thank you nova