[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've hit the depression end of this episode. No big surprise. Last night I sobbed for a long time after someone died in my book. A book I've read at least 4 times in the last 2 months. (I get OCD symptoms when I'm sickest). The person was going to die from page one. But I lost it.

I watched my nieces today and I love doing that but today was too soon to do it alone. I was exhausted by them and as they got cranky I had to fight getting cranky too. I never do that with them; I am good at keeping them busy and happy. I never even pulled out my camera while there and I always take pictures; pictures are my memories.

My ankle hurts from the weather and because my niece jerked on it. I have to remind her sometimes that just because it's not in a cast or brace anymore it's not as sturdy as my other one (I had reconstruction surgery last June). She's usually very gentle but the pulling she did nearly certainly is partly why I'm in pain.

I realized last night while crying that I can't go back on lithium even if I wanted to and was allowed to because I still need NSAIDs for pain management. And lithium may come up again despite 3 toxicities because I've never been so psychotic when lithium was on board as I was in the first big episode without it and I've always been hard to treat but this time was even harder. Which are good reasons to give it another chance but I really can't give up the NSAIDs yet. They aren't daily but they certainly are used.

I just want to sleep but am way too wound up and overstimulated to do that. The day ended with both nieces having huge upsets when their parents got home and lots of screaming and crying from both girls. It was a lot to handle. I may have to take some valium to get to sleep.

I just feel the depression settling over me and getting ready to set up camp. I hoped I was getting ahead of it by increasing my AP with AD effects and then my AD but maybe not fast enough. The AD has time to kick in. I may need to ask to increase the AP again before I see my pdoc.

I'm also annoyed because my hospital started releasing partial chart notes through the online system. They contain no useful information but do contain things like my orthopedist last year noting I requested surgery at main campus due to "bipolar and PTSD". It was because I'm on an MAOI and needed a special anesthesiologist. How does that translate to mental illness as cause? No wonder he wanted me knocked out b/c he thought I was anxious; he was obsessed with my psych dx. Or another chart note says that I don't want epinephrine given because it agitates me. No, it's unsafe with my MAOI unless emergency care is set up and ready to go. My pdoc can fix some of it but I just hate that people have taken what I've said and made me look kind of stupid. Steroids I don't want unless emergent because of bipolar but I have never said no epinephrine except to an urgent care dr not in that health system who was insistent I should have a tetanus shot which I am deadly allergic to and he said if I reacted I could just have an epi-shot. But with the MAOI it's not that simple; they have to watch my blood pressure and have a med to lower it sitting right there and it's an emergency only situation. Whatever.

I just need sleep and I'll be better. I'm just feeling like everything is harder right now because all I want to do is sleep, even when I can't sleep. Bipolar is so much FUN...

[CopperStar]

Do you think there is a possibility that the current situation with your younger brother is causing you an extra load of negative energy and anxiety? It seems like a rather emotionally intense situation.

Sometimes my bipolar episodes are triggered by or heavily influenced by stress in my life. It can also push me more so in one direction of symptoms (depression vs mania) during a mixed state. Do you experience this, too?

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry to hear that you are not travelling well

[BeyondtheRainbow]

It's partly my little brother; it's mainly that all episodes go through stages for me and this is one of them. If I had agitated depression I must still have to go through depression and if I had mania this is the opposite. Or it's just what the mixed episode has to do before it levels off. This is just not over yet and after 6 months I'm having a hard time with that; I'm frustrated even though I know this is part of the cycle and hopefully the last part of it.

It just doesn't feel good and the last few days have been hard. Hopefully today I'll get enough rest and will feel better tomorrow.Some of it is undoubtedly med changes (AP increase about a week ago then AD increase 2 days ago and I need to increase both again soon but hope to wait a week until I see my pdoc).

As long as I spend a lot of time every evening coloring I know this is not over. The coloring is still a siginificant part of my calm-down routine for now so things still have a ways to go.

A few more months and this should end.

[Crazy Hitch]

Yeah certain people / situations / external circumstances can make my depressive symptoms worse