[CopperStar]

I could swear sometimes that I have a demon in my head. I can see it, I get the intrusive imagery well enough. I can 'hear' it, and when I'm hearing voices inside my own mind, I'm not hallucinating, it's not like schizophrenia. It's the "demon" talking to me inside of my own mind. It's extremely hostile and insane, complete with a smile of madness and malice. It's where my homicidal ideation issues come from, as well as a lot of the morbid crap I get in my head.

Now I haven't totally lost my marbles here, I know that what this really is my mixed state issues. But my mind personifies it almost every time. When I think of the concept of "demonic possession" it resonates with me as far as what I experience during some of my mixed episodes.

However to be honest I've always felt like this is the ONE aspect of mixed BP that gets swept under the rug, that is taboo to talk about it. It's okay if you feel like killing yourself, if you can't function, if you're depressed, if you get delusional, if you're a drug addict, if you have panic attacks.

But the hostility, the morbid malice, the homicidal ideation - that is the truly scary stuff. Scary for the person who has it, and scary for other people. They don't want to hear about it. Even therapists don't usually want to hear about it. Those of us who get this stuff, I guess we're just supposed to file it all under "**** you just don't talk about."

But I do experience it. Sometimes I experience it badly. I've never attacked anyone in my entire life outside of a couple childhood scuffles that had nothing to do with BP - I was actually standing up for my brother who was being bullied. I'm not actually evil. But I do get this element going on in my mixed states.

The worst part is that I did grow up with abusers, and still have the mental/emotional abuser in my everyday life. This makes it extremely overwhelming, when I have real life reasons to be extremely furious with this person, and then my mixed states start pushing at the gate, when I see insanity's smile flashing in my mind.

Over the years I have done some pretty crazy **** to try to avoid hurting others. I've run away multiple times, I've taken it out on myself countless times in the form of self-harming. I've tried euthanizing it with alcohol, Xanax, weed, anything I could get my hands on to subdue and kill it. But it's an undead thing, it always gets back up, like a zombie.

I really just wanted to say it. For myself and on behalf of everyone who gets this sort of thing with their BP but knows how risky it is to admit to it. It can be a part of the illness. It doesn't make me evil. It's something that I suffer with. I've always felt that if I ever become a monster, nobody is going to have the slightest clue just how long and how hard I fought to not let it happen, to keep it chained up in the back of my head.

[raspberrytorte]

There's an evil thing in my head too--some entity that won't leave me alone! It follows me around everywhere too. It just scares me and makes my paranoia worse.

BUT when I was on effexor that **** gave me very vivid homicidal thoughts/urges, that I didn't feel comfortable telling my doctor about when she wanted to know why I went off it.

[CopperStar]

I'm currently working up the nerves to tell my pdoc about it. I made an appointment today to see her on Monday afternoon. I was really hoping I would never have to talk about it and that the medication given to me would just make it go away, but it's still flaring up and rearing its ugly head. Inside of my head.

I'm tired of living with this and warring with it more days than not. To be completely honest I'm terrified to tell her and don't know if it will cause anything to happen. I don't know if I will get in trouble or what. I am just trying to be responsible. I have a monster inside my head and this 5mg Zyprexa approach is not subduing it.

[lunaticfringe]

Last time I was in the hospital it was for homicidal ideation. I don't think I would ever actually do something like that but the rage that builds up inside me is frightening. I also grew up with abuse and whenever I get this kind of rage to the point where I think about killing someone it is always because of a perceived threat to my safety. It could very well be tied in with my PTSD issues.

And yes, the malice you speak of is very real for me as well. I have done some things in the past that were extremely hurtful to others (nothing physically violent) and at the time it was exciting to me. This has always been in some type of manic state. I can also be very vindictive and vengeful if certain buttons get pushed. I operate on a level where I think "Nobody ****s with me or there will be consequences". Again always as a result of a perceived threat. I'm not ashamed of it (right now at least) because I know this is all a part of my illness.

[CopperStar]

I wish I knew what to expect. I have been carrying this secret around for so many years. Obviously I don't want to be arrested, and I'm not trying to make death threats. I'm just trying to get help. I don't want to be an idiot like James Holmes who just waits until they finally snap one day. I'm trying to be responsible and safe and get it treated. But it's such a touchy thing, it's so hard to talk about. I'm just sick of it. And I don't want to be punished for trying to prevent a crisis, for being responsible.

I get terrible homicidal ideation, and then I get severe suicidal ideation because I don't want to become a monster and I don't want to hurt anyone.

[raspberrytorte]

I was afraid to tell my doctor about the homicidal thoughts (they were very bad. I didn't even tell my husband about them) because I was worried she'd have me locked up or something and the thoughts were very disturbing to me. I've never even been in a fight. I have never physically hurt anyone. Once off effexor I was fine again.

I think if they are thoughts you have on a consistent basis you should tell your doctor.

[CopperStar]

Yeah I intend to. Just trying to chest-puff and work up the courage.

[raspberrytorte]

Totally understand. I'd be scared too.

I'm sorry that you feel this way and it affects you so. A mixed state can trigger the Angry One to present, and then all hell breaks loose.

If you are having difficulty telling your pdoc, then print out your post and hand it to her. You did a very good job describing it. Telling on yourself will help you get the relief that you need. Having a therapist to talk to is a good thing. Good luck.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know I probably can't fully understand, because I don't get the homicidal ideation, at least not to the point of wanting to kill someone entirely (or at least not someone in particular). But I do have really vivid fantasies about imaginary scenarios I work up where someone threatens or attacks me, or someone around me, and then I unleash a world of hurt on them. In some of these, it's to the death. I've never really considered that these are forms of ideation. I've never discussed them with anyone.

I have had suicidal ideation, though. I know that's more 'socially acceptable' - it's something people can pity, rather than fear. I still have NEVER mentioned it to my husband (he struggles enough to understand the anxiety and BP stuff - baby steps). I never really mentioned it to my T, either, because I feared what would happen to me if I spoke about it. So I get the fear aspect a little from that.

I do have some other issues from my past, though, that I'm terrified to talk about with anyone. I've never said it aloud, and probably never will. I know that those things aren't who I am, and I know that the way I fear I'll be viewed isn't how I really am. So I have never talked about it. That's where I get the fear part most - that if I speak this out loud, there will be record of it, my T might look at me differently, there may be more of a perception of threat or fear or 'more crazy'. And I don't think that's warranted - looking at the issue I won't talk about, I know it's something I needed help with at the time but am afraid it will brand me thereafter.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by NoIdeaWhatToDo

I have had suicidal ideation, though. I know that's more 'socially acceptable' - it's something people can pity, rather than fear.

I honestly think this is why some of the tragedies that happen, happen. Because people are too afraid of being judged and punished if they try to reach out for help, so they just don't, and then they lose their minds one day and the news media is all like, "Ahmahgawd how does this bad stuffs happenz????" Well there you go.

[cashart10]

I've never felt homicidal and I hear you stating it's completely different but I wanted to share that I completely understand the "demon" in your head reality. When I am severely depressed, I have one and he tries to convince me to commit suicide. On the other hand, I also have an internal voice that is not my own (I once identified as the Holy Sprit) that tells be to to do "good" but usually bizarre things. For instance, I have recently felt extremely led by this spirit to lay my hands on folks, especially strangers, and pray for them. Not only that, but I have also felt strongly that if I do this the person I'm laying hands on will be healed and if I don't that what occurs is my responsibility. I don't know what I believe; some days I believe christian, some days catholic, some days Pentecostal, some days atheist (I come from a conservative christian/catholic background). What I DO know is that EVERY day I have mental illness and that I have been nonstop symptomatic for the last 3 years. I can't comprehend the difference between Sarah and Sarah's mental illness anymore. That is because my particular form of insanity often tends to come in the form of in hyper religiosity. That's not quite as hushed (or as horrifying, I'm sure) as homicidal thoughts and ruminations. But, it is enough to get you labeled very insane and (by some) not to be taken seriously.

I hope it goes well with your pdoc. I know my pdoc has been around for a long time and is shaken by nothing that I can imagine. There are no taboo subjects in his office. I hope you find yours to be same. I can't imagine carrying around that kind of weight. Hopefully opening about it will enable your pdoc to help. Sorry this got so off the post's topic.