Monday Blues

Whenever I recognize some negativity surfacing within my thoughts, I would simply brush it off or think of it as something trivial. Today as usual, reflecting about my past encounters and lessons learnt from them, while I was taking a bus ride to my workplace.

However, as I thought upon some unpleasant things related to my past, I couldn't help knowing I left a trail of cringe-worthy impressions on the people I knew for years. I felt that I could have controlled myself better in those situations, but I could not help realizing that I am a distinctively different person every single day.

Every day, I thought and behaved differently, as though I have downloaded datas into my brain that contains file types of different personalities. I could have a range of personality of A, B, C, D or E, or sometimes even overlapping. As though I can be (15% A, 85% B), (45% A, 45% E, 10% D), etc.. One perfect word to describe my personality is simply "Randomness", despite this, I retained some common values/habits instilled in me throughout every single day.

While channeling it into doing good can be a blessing, but this "randomness" is more like a curse in my life.

There were few times I had lied to others uneccessarily, but deep down I realized I shouldn't have lied. Unfortunately, I got exposed and ended up being the laughing stock among the class. There were questions thrown at me with the intent to further agitate me, like "Why did you have to lie?" or "Why did you do this....why did you do that". Til today, some people avoided me like pest simply over one incident, guess thats what you get for lying.

Last weekend, I had to went back to school to attend a make-up project briefing just to realized I was suppose to hand up an internship report that describes my learning experience. So disorganized and disoriented, it was embarrassing to forget to do a simple assignment, and yet being lectured by someone who thinks he's trying to help. Ironically, his tone made me felt worse, until that I visualized flipping the desk in front me and call it quit for school. My common sense kicked in and held me back from doing so, but even then, I left the room feeling like a piece of rotting meat. Suicide thoughts seeps in, however I snapped myself out of it and gather my courage to eliminate any such thoughts. Embarrassingly, everyone
stared at me, and I just briskly walked away *awkward*. My day changed upon stroking a napping tortoiseshell cat and it instantly meowed at me. Then, my pacing heart began to turn soft.

When I'm on mania, I simply brushed it aside, and continue channeling my energy to do positive things. I couldn't even care about their opinions, did they really listened to me when I was struggling to balance my moods? Were they there to support when I felt drained and wanted to quickly end my life? Why am I channeling my energy towards sympathizing with them
and rendering them my sincerest assistance when they don't even deserve it?

What about the cringy-actions I have been leaving on my trail when I could not even function properly during my cycling episodes? I could not face them myself, it is difficult to stomach the fact that I have already
given people the impression I am a person with character defects(retardedness on the other word) who escaped undetected from the biological Quality department in my mother's womb? But yet I really
wanted them to understand that I did not choose this life when I was born, but I am willingly open to embrace everyone like as though they are my children, I will always be there to render a helping hand
for those who are stuck in a cycle of suffering. I wish I had the power of the higher beings to lessen everyone's suffering, including mine.

But I cannot even save myself when I am pulled straight down to "hell". I struggled getting out of bed, as though some invincible forces are acting upon me, preventing me from leaving the bed, literally as though I could feel myself depressing onto the springs within my mattress by a huge "gravity". I wish the bolster that I held tightly onto, was actually a real person whose thoughts are in resonance with mine, sleep forever and never be able to wake up at all.

I understand it doesn't make sense now considering I'm not proficient at my 1st language :/ and plus, my thoughts are really super freaking disoriented, and causing a self inflicted major headache. Fml

Wow. That is a lot to deal with. I read it all. I hear you. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this right now. Maybe you will feel better tomorrow.

I can so relate to those days. Hope things balance out for you soon xx

Do not worry, your posts make sense.

Stroking a pet can have amazingly positive effects.
I hope you feel better soon.