[tanto]

Hello everyone, just some background... I was diagnosed BP2/ADHD/GAD at 17. I have almost a dozen attempts under my belt to date, first time being in grade 5. I never sought hospitalization, and was never forced into it (I was very neglected, my attempts were unnoticed). I did not have health insurance following my 18th birthday (I am now 24). I've had a hard time unable to receive medications, and earlier this year I finally got insurance through my work. Unfortunately my symptoms were already far out of control. I had the familiar feelings I've had with other attempts (3 being caused from previous work triggers) and decided to capitalize on my insurance and, for the first time, seek hospitalization instead of making another attempt. It was horrible. I felt safe and secure, sure, but the hospital was horrible. My city only has two facilities, and the one I went to was the better of the two. I cannot stress enough how horrible it was. The staff was so inconsiderate, insincere. The doctor spent less than 5 minutes with each patient. We were treated like children, like we were incapable of being adults. There were petty arguments every day over something as small as taking a shower or doing laundry... I have sever asthma and could not participate in group gym time, I was only allowed to sit and stare out of a window in our dorm... I was not allowed to watch TV during this group time that I could not participate in. I had an asthma attack because a staff member refused to let me use my rescue inhaler because they were "understaffed and busy"... on their effin smartphones gossiping about patients within earshot of us busy. I lied and manipulated my way out of there. They wanted me there a month, but I left in a week. My insurance was pretty good, but my deductible was $2500. Boy oh boy, they sure did hound me for that. I still receive phone calls and letters almost daily from them trying to collect. My first day back to work after leaving the hospital, I had a severe anxiety attack and had to leave my position. I could not miss anymore work... as a contract employee I wasn't entitled to med leave over a week. So there went my insurance. 6 months later and I just barley got into a program for indigent patients to receive free healthcare and medication. But I am very concerned. I've been having the feelings again, I want to attempt again, but I also want help. I have ruled out inpatient hospitalization as a legitimate form of help, at least in my city. I would so rather be dead than return there. I really feel it would be detrimental to my health, possibly even triggering me to harm staff. Crisis hotlines do nothing for me. I am worried if I let my case worker and doctor know about these feelings they will send me back to a hospital. I cannot do this! What alternatives do I have? Where can I find the legitimate nurture that I need?? I am already part of a local group, and I talk often to my former roommate from the hospital (he's a vagabond, we communicate through email about our symptoms and the like), but I feel these are limited in helping me as well. The problem with groups is, in the end, most members are really only concerned with themselves... and that's understandable, and fine. I am almost at a critical point. Every option I used to think I had for help just isn't cutting it out for me. What do I do?! I used to self medicate with pot and that would kill the feelings quite well, but I've had to quit that long ago for practical reasons. :\ >:|

Have you looked into a partial hospitalization program or intensive outpatient? I hear alot of people have excellent success with those programs. I know the intensive outpatient helped me alot.

[TamarKirk]

Hi Tanto. I am usually a high functional (rapid cycling bipolar) but I had an almost crash so I joined this group for support. To be honest, I sometimes do better when I attempt to help other people. And this is why I am replying to you now. I read your story and it is sad, I agree. You are, however, still trying really hard to manage your mental illness and this is wonderful. And especially so because you are so young (24). You have so much good life ahead of you! Personally, I have found regular exercise to help as much as medications. I have even read some research about the benefits of exercise (but that was a few years ago so I am unable to share them with you easily) Do you exercise? (I note that you have asthma but are there some physical activities in which you can participate despite your asthma?) I'll stop for now and wait to see if you think dialoging with me might be helpful to you. (I am a physical therapist and thus my emphasis on physical treatment rather than just medication and/or psychological therapy) Best, Tamar

[tanto]

I haven't heard of partial hospitalization, I will look into that... I hope it's viable to me... I can't stand the prospect of spending a month in a hospital, treated like a prisoner and a child

Tamar, I try going for jogs or bike rides but my moods and anxiety about my asthma, combined with the asthma itself, and I over produce sweat and that triggers my anxiety further, it's very difficult... I use to rock climb but had an accident and haven't been able to since