[CopperStar]

Well, it's generic, olanzapine. So I figured how well this has been going had to be too good to be true. Good news is that it does seem to have a firm handle on the psychosis, all the loud and chaotic and crazy stuff that would go on in my head otherwise.

But lately I've started noticing pure depression symptoms creeping up. It has been a long time since I felt this way. I'm so used to mixed states and severe agitation.

Life just occasionally feels like some overwhelming, suffocating mess that I can't deal with. Random, not-so-bad things make me feel like crying. I'm eating and sleeping more and more. Occasionally I feel so terrible, but there is nothing I can think of that would 'make it better'. Not cigarettes, not anything I want but can't have. Nothing. It really feels like suffocating emotionally, it's weird.

Today has been especially wobbly. I just want to nap constantly. Something is "wrong" but I can't figure out anything to improve it. My mother and her husband stopped for ice cream on the way home and didn't get me any, and I felt just like a little toddler about it. A few hours later I started crying for literally no reason, let alone a dumb reason. And I keep getting these short but powerful internal messages going on. Like,

I can't do this.
I'm trapped.
I can't do this.
I'm suffocating.

It's not even suicidal ideation, my mind is clear. It's all vague and quiet, but deep and powerful. It's a feeling, rather than specific thoughts.

Problem is I have a bad history with SSRIs. Maybe I should ask to switch to Abilify after all or something.

[CANDC]

Copper, sounds like you are getting off center enough to report this to your pdoc and see what they think. Don't want to let this go too far before letting them know.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

There are lots of ADs that aren't SSRIs. SSRIs were so awful for me that it is somewhat traumatic to remember them. SNRIs were better but eventually led to problems after several years (blood pressure issues which is very weird and I'm still not sure the SNRIs were the problem but it happened on several so I had to stop). Tricyclics were better but my dose had to increase over the years and I eventually hit the line between what I needed for depression and what made me manic. That led me to MAOIs which are last-resort but very effective and I've been on one for nearly 6 years now and it has worked well. I've still had depressions, one quite severe, but it controls it and has treated the depressions well without wearing out. So even if you get to the last resort with ADs the truth is the last resort is very effective, just some drs don't like them because of food and drug interactions. Their reputation is worse than they really are though. I love mine and wish I'd been on it several years sooner.

[Moogieotter]

Add in summa dat Prozac!

Zyprexa and Prozac are a classic go to for bipolar depression. Gonna take 6 weeks to kick in!

moogs

[CopperStar]

I have a pdoc appointment coming up in early August, so I'll tell her if it hasn't cleared up by then. It's really hard for me to distinguish between

1. My life does kind of suck for someone close to 30, and maybe sad feelings just make sense.
2. Depression
3. Sedated by Zyprexa

I think almost crying over no ice cream (lol) was a big giveaway today, though. I really did feel ridiculous and like a toddler. I hate crying over dumb things, makes me feel like an idiot.

I would have gotten my feelings hurt about the ice cream, too. Don't know if I would have cried - that probably would have depended on how depressed I was feeling.

Maybe we just really, really like ice cream?

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

I would have gotten my feelings hurt about the ice cream, too. Don't know if I would have cried - that probably would have depended on how depressed I was feeling.

Maybe we just really, really like ice cream?

Ha yeah maybe.