[Talanic]

So I haven't posted in awhile. A lot has happened actually. I'm also a little confused as to where I'm at. I feel like I'm getting to this point of a lot of self correction. Or leading to it. Basically, I stopped all of my meds. All of them. For the most part I was sick of being on so many, going to the hospital a lot (Right before I stopped I had to go to the ER) and sick of being "drugged out" to an extent. I had a few break ups before I had just had enough. I started treating myself. I found myself obsessed with psychopharmacology and the neuro side of it. Spending hours reading studies, and all sorts of stuff. I started feeling a lot better when compared to when I was taking meds. But this was when there was not a whole lot going in my life in terms of things that make me anxious. I was working on a state wide ballot campaign to raise the minimum wage acting as a coordinator. It made me happy, and I was in some sense addicted ignoring the rest of my life. It was in the middle of this a girl I used to talk to for very long periods of time came back into my life. As complexity added, I noted I couldn't split myself with her back into my life and the campaign and keep other things in balance. So I left.

As things grow with this girl, life did start getting more focused on such concept. I was told that she would be leaving for a few years in 3 months of starting to get close. But yet I kept things going. Keeping that factor in the background started effecting me in so many strange ways. Addiction, which I'm noticing more and more these days started peaking to new levels. Maybe addicted to the relationship? Addicted to the thought of her leaving, and how it'd effect me?

Over the weeks we went from cuddling, slowly to kissing, making out, hand holding in public, seeing her every day, and after a month more sexual. Now I live with her. But she might still be leaving in a week. Living with her has caused me to increase my feelings for her by a lot, and for her a decent amount slower because she's naturally like that and I knew this. It's taken like 5 months to get this close. As an example she's at a 5.3 and I'm at an 8. I'm at the point where I want to say I love her, and she's not at the point yet as an example. That's another thing that makes me have anxiety. Again, addiction to the thought. Maybe to the happiness? I don't want it to end because I rarely feel happy. I want something stable in my life, something I can count on for once. Connection. Knowing there's possibilities that could happen drives me to madness sometimes and living with her (first time I've lived away from parents, and with someone im in sort of a "relationship" with as well) has made that expand.

My anxiety has created lots of problems, so have my feelings and additions. A lot of problems I used to have are becoming way too obvious and still there, only to make me notice it was being masked before. Mainly, addiction, obsession, having a hard time keeping my brain in line, and so forth. It's strange not only living with someone for the first time, but living with someone you're that close to. Plus, knowing there could be an expiration date.

At first I thought it could lead to her sleeping with other people, or being involved with other people. After a lot of times of me feeling bad because of that thought pattern, it was leading to talks, I don't feel like it will happen anymore. But madness is still kind of there... just in other forms.

Over all, there's almost too much that's "new" and outside what I'm used to that it can be overwhelming. I haven't been forced, or have openly showed my emotions before, and it's not like I can hide any longer. She knows the second I feel bad.

I'm starting to wonder if It's not that I'm really "bipolar" but obsessed on thoughts, and negativity to avoid being hurtfully surprised and that creates mood swings, or if I'm bipolar and it creates this obsession. Maybe to things that make me happy? Or feel good? She is ultimately, the person I have always been looking for. Oddly enough. Who would want to lose that? Dreams, my friend. Once you have them, it creates obsession, anxiety that you'll lose it since you've never had it, and so forth. But is it from her maybe leaving? Or from the relationship itself? I happen to think, that her leaving is just creating so much **** for me. That and just not having an answer. I think once I have an answer, I can start letting go and go about as normal. Because I'd be more in the "norm" when it comes to relationships. As in that unknown aspect that I know for a fact could happen. Or maybe I'll just be addicted to something else? Maybe obsession over another concept will create a cascade of rigidity, lose of persons, depression, lose of growth, and so forth through me ****ing up too much from it. It's hard... How do I stop these addictions? How can I stop projecting my feelings onto everything? How can I accept more that the worst could happen without going mad? How do I accept that the best could happen without being disappointed? They both create loss. I guess I feel like I'm facing myself more for the first time. Maybe because has some similarities? Maybe because my normal thought pattern could be crating hardship in this current situation in that she might leave. I know no matter what she could drop me, never want to talk, or anything like that... But is it like intentionally cutting off my hand or or accidentally? To me there's a different. I want to stop my mind from addiction, obsession, fixation, attachment, and all these concepts. Because I'm noticing being this close to someone and living with them that they're more obvious and again have more external effects. If I can just make it this week without making things worse, and she decides to stay... But how do you do that? Really how? I don't want to be responsible for lose of any form. I don't want to negatively effect her actions. Creating what I fear. Her unhappiness, my unhappyness. I don't know how she deals with me at times. She was kind of annoyed at it last night for a complex reason that made me angry that was almost directly related to her leaving maybe. I think she's maybe just noticing there's a lot wrong with me. Last night she even asked if it would be like this even if she stays. I don't think it will be anywhere this extreme. Maybe it'll still be there? even at some degree? So thank you for listening. If you can really tell me what to do, advice, I could really use it... How do I make it past this week? If she stays how do I not kill it? How do I feel better? If she leaves how do I even go about handling it? Last time I was close to being this close to someone and it ended with me trying to kill myself. Granted she was abusive for almost 4 years. But I fear this could be worse? Or I fear I end up back pacing 4 years. Unlearning. losing growth. Deevolution?

What do I do? I could really use the advice... Thanks everyone...

I hope you're all doing well... and sorry for mistakes. I'm in a rush.

[Sesiley]

Stop rationalizing it. I was EXACTLY as you are right now. It's confusing. You are not addicted and you feel obsession. Looks like a hypomania or mania. You made some very impulsive decisions.

Nobody can answer all of these questions you have. You have to find them out for yourself.

Why are you not on your meds? This is what will happen.......you will quit jobs, get weirdly obsessed with a girl, it's all about the sex...for a while....maybe always.....then you get confused all over again and the cycle starts over. Your brain and heart are having arguments. Separate the two. What does your mind say? Not what to u feel.

I'm giving advice based on me lol I'm the girl form and done all of this except, of course, I got pregnant...I had obsessions with them and how they treated me and looked through them for happiness.

The secret is ...happiness is an inside job. I promise.

I'm helping based on my own experience and I work with counselors.

Please make your decisions wisely ok?

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