[Nix]

I'm trying to sort out some thoughts, so this may be a lengthy post.

I'm seriously considering returning to church after being away for more than a year. I have had some really troubling problems with psychosis in the last year and a half (or more?). At the worst of it, I was screaming and upset that someone was trying to kill my family, and a police officer had to call my husband to drive me home; I couldn't go grocery shopping or do errands, I was really rude to my husband or got angry with other people for no apparent reason, and that sort of thing. I never had really cooperated with any medication or treatment plan. During this time I stopped going to church.

Things have improved a lot lately since I decided to start cooperating with medication and a treatment plan, and I'm hoping they will continue to improve.

I miss being part of that community, and my kids also really want me to be there with them. I, however, feel worried. For one thing, I don't know how long I will be stable.

For another, I'm an introvert and situations with a lot of people or small talk tire me out. In addition to the personality aspect, crowds and excitement has sometimes made me feel buzzy/excited in the past, but in the last few years has been very stressful. During psychosis I feel like people are trying to hurt me or telepathically communicate with me, and it's much worse in busy situations with multiple conversations. All of the things above tend to cause me to feel worn out, and then I do embarrassing things like cry or shut down. Once during a dinner with a lot of people, I just went into another room and fell asleep--I literally just could not handle any more.

I worry about my reactions toward others or even my facial expressions if I am overstimulated from the buzzy, lively, loud environment or the constant conversation, especially if my psychosis returns or persists even in a small way. I worry that right now I am depressed and Christians are supposed to be happy. I also worry a little bit because some people in this community feel that my problems stem from demonic influence, and I think it's strictly psychological. (Please don't post any comments bashing these people; they mean well and I know they care about me.)

I want to be a good mom/wife and an active part of my community, but I also worry--if I get invited to things and sometimes don't feel well enough to go (or like I have the energy to get through it) how do I decline without hurting someone's feelings?

My biggest worry is that I want to be consistent for my children, and if I go through another difficult time, I don't want to put them in the position where I leave church again and frustrate them. They're only 5 and 9, so they don't understand fully.

Basically, my biggest frustration is the nature of bipolar is that things are constantly fluctuating, and I hate that. It makes me feel inconsistent and like a poor mother and person in general.

This is the first time I've really improved with medication and cooperated with my treatment, however, and that gives me some hope that I might be able to provide a better situation of normalcy for myself and my family.

[Christopher1990]

If I walked into a church, manic, or psychotic I'd probably break down in tears. I'd probably make connections with everything going on. The stimulation would be hard to deal with. I understand where your coming from. It could be hard sitting through the entire mass, especially if your unstable.

But, if your stable enough, I think it would be good to try. Especially, if it makes your children happy. If it's too much, I would just walk out.



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[Nix]

Thanks for your input. It's very helpful.

[Christopher1990]

Originally Posted by phoenix31

Thanks for your input. It's very helpful.

Glad I could help.

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