[glitterkitten]

Good Morning Everyone,

I just finished a four-day mini trip to Southwest Florida for my 27th birthday. It was great! Four days away from work - it's been since Christmas since I've done that -- and most importantly, four days just to be myself, to enjoy my own authenticity and identity, instead of being anxious and trying to please others.

At 27, now, I am tired of living for others, or for the fear of others' rejection and disappointment. I haven't been living for me for a long time. I've had a therapist that recently switched jobs and doesn't work private practice anymore, and even though she sees me over Skype, I know she's not engaged, and having her as a therapist in this way for the last 6 months has probably been a disadvantage to my recovery, too.

I've been depressed for several months - while I need to stop the here-and-there gaps of forgetting to take my medicine (probably since I'm so concerned about the outcome of the day and pleasing others), and need to take way better care of myself, I think it's also due to feeling like I'm in a rat race, just trying to stay afloat, to keep people happy so I can make money and live the way I want to.

It hasn't been fun - and I've been struggling with my "boss" for a long time, a tug-of-war of control of sorts. You see, I am an independent contractor, which means I am not an employee - no benefits; if he said he no longer wanted me to work full time (40 hours + a week) for him, I would not be eligible for unemployment benefits. I pay more taxes than an employee, and I"m responsible for them in full, etc. I can work for any other employer I want by law since I'm an independent contractor. But the annoying part is that a lot of the time, he doesn't treat his "main people" like independent contractors; instead, like employees. According to the IRS, he doesn't have a right to tell us when we work, how we complete it - just that we complete the tasks. But he's taking advantage of four of us right now, or at least sometimes it feels like it, by not giving us any benefits, yet expecting the "team" to stay cohesive at all times, coming in 9-5, etc. He began his company as a startup last year, so I joined, left a company with benefits and salary because I wasn't happy. Because my illness lends itself better to more freedom and flexibility. I was intrigued by the independent contractor concept, because it finally gave me control. But now, a year later, he's treating us like employees, and it works on most days when there is nothing else planned, but for instance, this afternoon, he wants me to travel with him, probably 6-7 hour roundtrip down to Palm Beach, a 2 hour dinner or so (that's a full day's work, really), plus work this afternoon too...I won't get home tonight until 12 or 1, then have to drive my car home -- not good for my sleep schedule -- but he feels entitled, telling me on Wednesday (you're going to have a long day) -- as if I was going to come in at 9.

Coming in at 4 o'clock today would give me probably more than a whole day's work. And he wanted me to come in at 9 AM, work the entire day, then do a 7-9 hour trip. Yeah right! I'm an independent contractor and That is WAY too long of a day - I don't think he wants to really be paying for that many hours of work, either.

So, scared as I always am ( can't stick up for myself), I wrote him an email this morning, telling him I would work at home (I work in digital marketing so this is very possible) until after lunch, then come in, work there a couple hours, then go on the trip. This is highly reasonable to me, since i need to care for myself, and I sent the email about an hour ago knowing he might not like it, but nonetheless, I am an adult, I have to take control of my life, even if others are going to be disappointed.

I have done a lot of CBT work, and one of my exercises in this situation would be to tell myself that if it were anyone else, I would think this proposition is more than reasonable. But I live in fear of others.

I'm tired of it. I need to take my life back - even if that meant losing this "job", not knowing what I'm doing anymore. I feel so not me.

I wonder what advice you have for living more authentically and being true to yourself instead of others? It's REALLY been contributing to ill health and depression for me lately.

[Ripose]

I have found that always having an alternate job waiting almost eliminates most of my stress and I am than far more capable of speaking up for myself. If you can manage to set up something like this I'm quite sure it would help you too.

But as you already know it comes down to just standing up for yourself and your rights. Which I know is easier said than done, for me it was nearly impossible without a backup job to rely on. I do eventually get tired of not sticking up for myself and the pressure builds until I blow my top and start yelling at my boss which of course usually ends up with me losing my job.

I rarely work now but when I do it is still as an independent online contractor and I lay out the ground rules before I even accept the work. I don't ever want the misunderstanding from my clients (or boss) again. This has greatly helped me to never give them more than they are paying for and I can finish the job at my leisure (within reasonable limits).

Good luck with your email, let us know what happens!

[glitterkitten]

You sound a lot like me, Ripose! Thanks for the support. You bring up a good point - I need to work on setting up expectations on the front end so it doesn't get out of control. I think one of my issues is that I equate sticking up for myself with being mean - something I learned in childhood that I'm still trying to shake.

Everything went OK with the email - my "boss" actually thought I made a good choice, which I wasn't expecting. I think as long as I stay firm but keep a good attitude I might make some breakthroughs. It's a learning experience, I guess! I'm 27 but still have some growing to do

Thanks again.