[Edgar's Mom]

I have an old thoroughbred gelding named Charley and he is the love of my life. He's a senior and TB's are special horses... not easy to look after. They are very sensitive and a little neurotic.

He is my therapy and when I go see him, no matter how depressed I feel, we connect and there is something that happens inside me that is almost spiritual. Around him I feel calmer, happier and alive.

The trouble is when I get depressed and I can't get out to see him. Then, in addition to missing him which gives me a feeling of constant grief on top of my depression, I worry and fret about him, feel guilty for not going to see him, and he becomes a source of stress and responsibility.

I haven't been able to work for years because my depression and anxiety compound and it just doesn't work.

But.... Back in Feb I got a tiny part-time job working at the barn where he was living. It was only 3 2-2 1/2 hr shifts per week, but it got me outside and physical and got me to see Charley.

To make a long story short, that employment ended on a very sour note because they made a particular point of not accommodating me and I have grounds and was advised to file a Human Rights Complaint (based on legal advice from Human Rights Clinic).

I had told them I couldn't do mornings, they promised me two night shifts and said I had to do one morning to learn the routine and be available for that shift if need be. After I got hired they switched it to two mornings back to back and with my insomnia and anxiety I ended up going the entire weekends with no sleep and my mood went crazy.

Afterwards I felt like such a failure. I felt so pathetic for being so proud of having such a small little job--but I was proud. It felt good to have responsibility again and caring for animals has always been deeply satisfying to me. By anyone else's standards it wouldn't even be a job and I felt like it was hopeless for me since I couldn't even do that.

I entered a deeper depression (was hypo while working for a month) and ended up moving him a couple of times.

He ended up at a place that I thought was good and that he was being looked after, then my depression plummeted and I stopped fighting it. I barely left the house and it got worse and worse. I got to the point where I couldn't leave the house on my own.

A week and a half ago, I got a phone call that he was colicking. Severely. This is any horse person's worst nightmare and it many horses die in excruciating pain from this. And when I got there my horse was in very bad shape. There was one point where he was lying on the ground with me in the rain sitting beside his head sobbing and begging him to not die.

By some miracle he got up shortly after that and recovered within the hour. I say miracle because the vet said with his presentation of symptoms she has only seen him and two other horses survive that in her entire career.

I was flogging myself for not getting out to see him. I had left him for over a month while I hid in my house wrapped up in my head. And while I was doing that, the ****** who was supposed to be looking after him was not feeding him nearly enough and he was all skin and bones, and looked like an SPCA seizure.

I had to get him out of there fast. There are few choices around here and he needs specialized care by someone who understands his breed.

A local barn advertised a stall and needed someone to do chores. I went and looked. It seems like a perfect fit for us and I am now "working" again!!! I do chores 3X a week which helps with his board. As I'm unable to work I always feel guilty having this expense and now I get to help out with the costs.

I'm a little nervous because of my recent failure. I was unable to leave the house two weeks ago. Will I be able to drag myself out? Will I be able to keep the commitment.

I think so... Tonight I felt like garbage. I just came off Lithium and was depressed and irritable all day. A raging ****** for most of it. I went and did chores and while I don't feel any better, neither do I feel worse. But I also feel like I got something accomplished and got to see Charley and check on him so won't have guilt and worry tonight.

I feel like this whole thing has been meant to be. Almost losing Charley jarred me out of the house. I got a second chance to be with him. Finding this place which seems like a perfect fit and having this job there also has a feeling of rightness and feels meant to be.

While I'm still depressed, I feel like I'm able to look forward to the future.

[pegasus]

Ah, thank you for sharing, Charley sounds like the perfect therapy for you.

I am so pleased you have found somewhere.

I've been in a similar situation

The guilt used to kill me.

I really am pleased for you. Charley will love seeing you so much.

[Edgar's Mom]

Thank you both :-) I've managed to climb on him 4 times this week and he's loving it. We're both very unfit and he's a senior so it's been mostly walk. I trotted 3/4 around the arena each way today but most was just going from free walk to med walk.

He's loving the new place and is turned out with a very nice herd of geldings every other day and seems to be making friends.

He's put on a visible amount of weight in one week. His ribs no longer feel like a xylophone when I groom him and there's some fat covering them. I don't think they'll be visible in a couple of weeks at the rate he's gaining.

He is loving the attention and I can see he feels pretty proud of himself when I tack him up :-)

I love him so much.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm so glad Charley is better. You can do this. xo

Good on you for having a few rides!! Not an easy feat!

My poor mare has not been ridden in months, although now she lives with me. I felt like a ride this week but she has pulled a shoe

Once youre in a good routine it is easier to keep with riding. I need shows to work towards but dont have any this year due to funds so I find it harder to ride.

[Edgar's Mom]

What about lessons? Can you take a few of those? What's your discipline?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I ride english and enjoy jumping, but I can do pretty much anything with my mare. She loves me and gives anything a go. I cant afford lessons at the moment - having moved to a farm I am very low on funds. I can give lessons to get a fix though! So good thinking.

I have friends horses too but with my weight at the moment I dont like to ask. Mare lost a shoe too which I will have to sort out today, but half of me just thinks I should rip off the other one and see how she goes.