just have to say this ...sorry ... Tigger again .!

As I get better (I really seem to be) my memory is coming back , wow the things I am remembering.
I remember the valium that my childhood doc's kept pushing on me when I really wanted to just talk to someone, but no one did that in the 70's … that I did go to “several” pdoc's as a young adult starting at about 25 years old . That one of those said bipolar but I did not know what it was and he never explained so it never stuck . Many years of ad's and I remember trazadone and welbutrin in the mix somewhere along the way … thirty years later and the pdoc that shot me into ip with her lexapro feast … then the pdoc I have since then , almost three years now, a real record for me as I would go to one get a rx maybe take them a month and quit, then months or years later try another one … one never knew about the other and I did not tell them …

now the real reason for this post , do you remember your first real pdoc you saw, not your gp but a real pdoc , … how did the “establishment” relate to you … ?

***** possible Trigger ***** possible Trigger ******* possible Trigger *******

my first experience was ( I am afraid to say) not exactly kosher , it involved a lot of paranoia and a hand gun …. , I was asked not to return …. so many things as a youth , only by the grace of god did I survive and stay out of prison … not my proudest days … and I do not deserve what I have today … if I was not bp back then , then I don't know what, but I clearly was really screwed up ….

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The more I remember the more I am sure I will stay on my meds , … and I still worry what else will I remember later on …. it has taken almost three years to come to the point I am at now , … I just want to say thanks to those of you who have been a friend to me … and those that have encouraged me publicly and privately ,,, thank you for just being there for me …. I now know there have been real gaps in my memory so if I have offended you in any way I humbly apologize … and ask your forgiveness, you guys are my friends and I want to be a good friend to all of you … Ty ...

Well written. Your a very friendly person on here and have pmd me more then once just to be nice or to check on me.. Your a great person. As toy story said. You gotta friend in me

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Oh, yes. I remember the first one. His name was Dr. Tomaski and he gave me a drug problem by prescribing me this insanely high dose of Vyvanse (lysdexamphetamine). I could never sleep, I could never eat, so I just started drinking and taking any downers that I could find. I skipped my classes to go to the library because I was annoyed by people... it was all really weird.

From then on, I just went to psychiatrists to get the drugs that I wanted to take (which were *never* Vyvanse, ever again... **shudder**) by describing whatever symptoms merited the prescription. Finally, I stopped all of that and just went without meds for a while. I became horribly depressed, lost my job, and just decided that I was fed up with it all... so I checked myself into PHP and found a smart psychiatrist who diagnosed me and put me on mood stabilizers. Now I don't feel nearly the same urge to self-medicate as I used to.

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sorry you had such a rough start and very glad your doing better now ....

ty! Me, too. I had a crazy six years before my diagnosis... I'm shocked that my poor parents survived me.

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Speaking as a parent , even if we don't show it well we do love our children, never forget you are loved, and people do care about you, may you find all the love peace and happiness you can ....

I think I saw a therapist for the first time after my brother died. I was 25. But i had my first soul crushing depression a few years earlier in college.

depression is my demon also. lamictal saved me when all the talking in the world did not ... I have lost both parents but also as an older adult, to lose someone so close at such a young age must have been unbearable ,,,

I had crushing depression as a child but an intense need to hide it from my parents, although my first suicide attempt was in 9th grade. The child pdoc I was taken to interviewed me with my mother present so I faked him out n was declared normal. When I started college I went to the university mental health which immediately sent m to a pdoc who hospitalized in my hometown. I was there for a month n had ECT. Left on parnate n thorazine. The hospital pdoc was my pdoc for a few years. Funny, he told me I had psychotic depression but he told my mother that I was schizophrenic. I didn't mind him as a pdoc but my depression didn't get better. That was a long time ago. They didn't know that much. Plus thorazine was also a fairly common psych prescription back then too.

I really am not sure that has changed over time , from my personal experience and several posts I have read here it seems some if not most pdoc's would rather have us slightly depressed than allow the chance of mania .... which to me really sucks , but I guess they know best ? .....

My first pdoc looked like Freud. He had a dirty office and we used to sit in old chairs in the dim light, chain smoking, and butting our cigarettes out in one of those huge, marble pedestal ashtrays.

He had a kettle in there and would make us horrible instant coffee with coffee mate in mismatched chipped mugs.

He prescribed Prozac (a new drug at the time), benzos and sleeping pills.

He would hug me at the end of sessions (which gave me the creeps) and

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he once told me that child sexual abuse wasn't traumatizing as long as it was done gently. It was the parents' reaction to it (he said) that did the damage.

Some years later I heard that he'd been ostracized and lost his license.

my god ,,, so glad you survived that .... scary ....