vacation

cashart10 · Sep 30, 2015, 10:36 PM

To celebrate ten years of marriage, my husband and I are taking a mini vacation to Gatlinburg. We leave Friday, late morning. The anticipation of the trip is killing me. The last time I went on vacation, I got in the shower two nights before we were to leave at 11PM and got out of the shower the next morning at 5AM. I believed all sorts of insane delusions which I am not in the mood to get into but I spent the next day "in Heaven" (literally believing that God was providing me with Heaven on earth). I spent hours hugging my children and my niece and nephew, believing that my love was healing and was rubbing off on them through hugs and the hugging was making me higher and higher and higher. I received the news that day that my sil and her estranged mother had made contact and went downstairs and spent I can't remember how much time praying both ardently and fervently in tongues (I've never been pentecostal, mind you) that God would mend their relationship, knowing all the while that my prayer would be answered just because I was the one praying it (they are still estranged to this day). I was supposed to spend the entire day packing but packed nothing. The hugging and insane praying lasted all day instead. I dozed off for a few minutes and woke up believing that a demon was trying to steal my perfection, I cast it out. When my sister picked up my niece and nephew she asked me what I was smoking, I laughed. My daughter had a ball game that evening while my husband was at work. I remembered it but couldn't find her ball glove. I procrastinated going to the game until 5 minutes after we were supposed to be there when I packed up my daughter and then toddler son and drove them to the game with no car seats, my husband had them. Thank goodness the field was only 5 minutes from my house. When I got there, my daughter's best friend's grandmother asked me how I could possibly be so calm after losing her ball glove and showing up 15 minutes late. I was not phased because I believed I had been perfected in Christ and that he had removed all demons from me. I knew that this was the start of my new life and that I was meant to save everyone I came in contact with. Since I didn't pack anything for the trip that day, we left an entire day later than we intended and I drove almost 11 hours straight after sleeping almost none for more than a week (I had slept very little for the past 3 months in fact). The entire trip there, I worshiped and prayed and drank gallons of water believing it drew and kept the Holy Spirit. The whole vacation I was out of my mind, my husband knew it but was in denial and even then didn't know what to do. My mom, who was on vacation with us as it was a family trip, worried for me and my behavior and kept trying to convince me that I was making "bad decisions." I just responded that the Holy Spirit wouldn't lead me to bad decisions. But, even knowing my history, she never once suggested that I was in fact out of my mind. My sil was inspired by my "faithfulness" and I convinced her that God was using me to draw my family closer to Christ and the supernatural aspects of our faith. My sister was inspired by my impulsiveness, saying she wished she had the gall to do things so out of character as I was doing. I whispered prayers, passion oozing from every inch of me, that God would break strongholds and cast specific demons from my family. I went out to sit on the balcony by the ocean around 4 every morning with my cup of coffee, chanting prayers, writing in my prayer journal, singing worship songs, and worshiping through the ocean. I thought I was god like for making my brother a ham sandwich with mayonnaise because I was ministering to him through selfless actions. If anyone irritated me, I did not react, instead, I would hide and fall to my knees and pray for God's healing and for him to take my irritation, or anger, or whatever it may be. I hold fond yet terrifying memories of my last vacation. I have never been so high and I am certain no drug could ever get me so high, but at the same time to think how dangerous I was and how delusional I was frightens me. But, my mind is going there a lot tonight. When will it happen again? Why can't I stay up for the next two nights and drive five hours, not an ounce of me tired, and enjoy the mountains through an unfiltered, God like lense? I know it doesn't work that way; even if I did stay up for two days right now, I'd simply be too tired to drive and sleep the whole trip while my husband drives. But still, how do you explain this to someone who doesn't understand? The magnificence is distinguished. I know I shouldn't want it. I know the consequences and the hell that follows are turbulent for me and tramatize my family and I don't want that but, it is hard not to miss the glory. Anyway, I have no idea why I am sharing this...it is just sitting on my mind tonight.

Victoria'smom · Sep 30, 2015, 11:11 PM

No one can tell you when/if it'll happen again BUT you can enjoy your vacation. Have fun.

HALLIEBETH87 · Sep 30, 2015, 11:17 PM

Im going to Gatlinburg on Sunday!

raspberrytorte · Oct 01, 2015, 11:03 AM

Wow. Your last vacation sounds like it was quite the trip, cash! I hope you enjoy this one. As far as your mania goes, who knows when or if it'll even come back. Just worry about that later and enjoy your vacation.

Azvixxen · Oct 01, 2015, 11:06 AM

Trying to guess when, if or how bad our episodes can, could or will be is as bad as going through them. I think with these diseases we "hope for the best, prepare for the worst". Take your vacation and hope for the best, and I'll be wishing for you to have a great time!