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#1
Oct 04, 2015, 07:48 AM
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At 3::42am this morning I awoke . Nothing new in that I awake several times a night. But as soon as I was awake my mind started battling with it''s self. Nothing new, it was about if I was bipolar or not. A full fledged screaming match raged in my mind. I thought I had settled the issue but I guess I had not.
I remembered my pdoc saying that during my in patient I was “not myself”, I remembered reading that on the bipolar spectrum not being yourself was now considered a bipolar marker. I could not recall any mood swings just depression. But in the past my wife had said how much I changed. That she never knew who I would be. What I would say or do. I remembered that two pdoc's and my own T had said bipolar, now once but often. I recalled how the meds had really had a very noticeable effect, one my wife said was for the better and when I played with the doses she could tell. On and on my mind raged. For over an hour I fought the battle no one but myself could hear. Call it intrusive, call it racing I don't know but it about drove me even more crazy if that is possible. I finally had to bomb myself with xanex to find any peace, then I slept the sleep of the meds… for a whole hour Why can I find no peace on this… logically and consciously I have accepted, although not embraced this diagnosis. But it seems my unconscious has not. Could my unconscious be right, in the deep recesses of my mind, does it know this is wrong. Does it know something my logic has failed to grasp. As you see this is sheer torture for me. I know treat the symptoms and forget the diagnosis. But other than poor broken sleep all my symptoms are quiet now. My meds are working quite well. So well I keep toying with cutting back. But that argument is for another day. How does one fight against there self. I have peace during the day but now the night has turned against me. I am beginning to wonder if my poor little mind is more damaged than I thought. …. 
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 *Laurie*, Capriciousness, LettinG0, Mountainbard, raspberrytorte, WibblyWobbly
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#2
Oct 04, 2015, 09:08 AM
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Were you on an AD to start with? If so did the bipolar start before or after. If it started after than you have medication induced bipolar and perhaps that is what your mind is rebelling against.
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 wiretwister
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#3
Oct 04, 2015, 10:15 AM
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Quote:
three years ago I had a triggering event at work and my whole world exploded ... all my self confidence went bye bye, my stress went thru the roof till I was almost afraid to go to work every day, .... work was my whole life, my whole idenity... so I collapsed ... my gp refered me to a pdoc ... she immediately put me on lexpro (ad), over three weeks she increased the dose three times as I complained it was not working ... then she left the country for a month. ... by the time she returned I had been inpatient, my work called the police and had me picked up and taken to a psych evaluation, thus the ip,.. I never saw her again ... I was dxed by my current pdoc ip as bp(nos) ... and put on meds ... later after my work threated to fire me if I did not do better we changed my current meds... which brought me back from months of sui ... was dx bpII then, ... two years into this after yelling at my pdoc because he could not tell me when or if I was ever manic ... he said "I was not myself ip" and told me in no uncertain terms I was bp1... we were screaming at each other ... Now I lost belief in him, felt he was lying to protect his dx ... so I stopped my ap... months later had a very bad night of racing and scared the hell out of me ... we upped lamictal and it helped ... began to trust him again ... slowly got back to my old self ... pre work collapse self ... he apologized to me and we have been cool ever since ... so yes my ip was med caused I am sure,, whether bp or not I was very screwed up before that... the mood drugs have really helped ... I am 95% depression but if I am honest I probably am bp but now he calls me "on the spectrum", I have to admit I am better (stable) ,no rage,no paranoia, no danger to myself than I have been in years ... so my day mind says ok I don't like this dx but quess I am ... my night mind ... IDK ... ps: I guess I could be depressed and an anxiety issue ... since I have been on depakote then lamictal my emotions and moods have been really flat .... no ups and almost no lows ... as I see it ... now those that have read my posts may disagree with that .... my view of myself and my actions may not be based in reality .... I really do feel my brain is damaged .... Last edited by wiretwister; Oct 04, 2015 at 10:42 AM. |
| LettinG0
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#4
Oct 04, 2015, 10:51 AM
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I have trouble with the bipolar thing too. I have trouble believing it. I would think it's just med induced, but my manic situation in january when I ended up ip wasn't med induced because at the time I was just on lamictal and clonazepam, which I'd been on for years.
I have so much trouble with this. I can relate wire!
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
| wiretwister
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#5
Oct 04, 2015, 10:54 AM
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But then it's like well, can you have one manic psychotic episode and NOT have bipolar disorder.
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
| wiretwister
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#6
Oct 04, 2015, 11:12 AM
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As far as I'm concerned once enough has happened and has raged in you that you have gotten people to say the word Bipolar in reference to you...then all bets are off....
You're different. You have a different type of brain That's just how it is. I'm talking about all of us not just you. The term and everything about Bipoalr except for what WE the actually Bipolar people experience....(and nobody out there really knows)... Are just constructs...social arbitrary ambiguous constructs. None of us have to call ourselves Bipolar. We could call ourselves whatever we want and whatever these differences we have (and they are many and varied) are...they are just that.... They don't even need a name for it. Tigger, have you seriously not read my blog and my there are no rules for Bipolar and all that kind of stuff I go off about all the time. They are seriously making this **** up. It's just an attempt to help treat us but it is NOT a real thing. I am really wondering what it is that you are so scared of? What exactly is it? And if we get down with the black and white yes or no Bipolar paradigm then Who cares whether you are or not? What is it in you that is battling this thing and why? |
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#7
Oct 04, 2015, 11:13 AM
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no ups and almost no lows ... as I see it ... now those that have read my posts may disagree with that .... my view of myself and my actions may not be based in reality ....
" I really do feel my brain is damaged .... " 
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| Capriciousness
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#8
Oct 04, 2015, 03:50 PM
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Quote:
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#9
Oct 04, 2015, 07:49 PM
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You seem tortured by this. Would your family and pdoc support cutting back on meds so that you can see in a controlled way what happens without meds? It might answer your questions. It's extreme but so is the torture you express so often. My heart aches reading your posts because you are so tortured by this.
__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily |
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#10
Oct 04, 2015, 08:14 PM
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Quote:
I feel guilty , ... like I am a fraud ... |
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#11
Oct 04, 2015, 10:19 PM
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Ill be blunt.. I understand how you feel I do , been therre before , but your keeping yourself unwell with this constant looping and ruminating.
Get outta your own head, Stop thinking and being worried about YOU , Just STOP. Worry about your wife , your kids, your pets, your plants. Seriously just get out of your own head. It will do you a world of good. If you wake up and your brain starts down that road " do I have bipolar? Just Stop... turn around , Think about your favorite movie, or food or desert . Just stop.. You can and will feel better, But you have to step out of the dark dreary corner you spend so much time in. 
__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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#12
Oct 04, 2015, 10:30 PM
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I agree with Christina. Just live.
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#13
Oct 04, 2015, 11:53 PM
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Man. It was as if I ****ing wrote what you wrote. Am I bipolar.? Am I a fraud?
I literally thought I was the only one. I don't have a answer. A solution. I can just tell you that you are no alone. I function well (enough). Maybe. Or maybe I'm a good talker and can justify to everyone (even myself) my actions are based on external factors. Fool myself thinking I am fine, and others are the problem. Maybe you are me are just really good fakers and lie ers. So good we fool ourselves. Or maybe we are just looking for a excuse for our poor decisions, attitudes, and failures. Who knows. I'm rambaling. It's 1am and I still can't sleep. Damn WD. So I'm just saying your not alone. |
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#14
Oct 04, 2015, 11:59 PM
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To the person that said BP is just a social construct... That is true.
But isn't almost everything we do based on construct? We do what we do, follow rules, based on construct. We try to put order on the chaos of the universe. Of life. ****, even time is just a construct. Time isn't real, it is just something we as man invented to put order to the chaos. We humans are social creatures. We are addicted to construct. Being bipolar, while itself is made up, places us in a class within the construct. That is what is troublesome. Because we think differently, because we view things differently. Because we react differently, we are in a negative construct. One that I don't think should be negative. |
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#15
Oct 05, 2015, 01:42 AM
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I also haven't suffered as much as many others here. But don't forget, when your meds are working it's easy to forget how wild things were in the past. When your meds are working it's easy to feel like you imagined everything and it's tempting to quit taking this one or that one.
I've had one pdoc tell me BP NOS and another tell me BPD. It's easy to get caught up in the labels with all the info on the internet but in the end we know our moods are not right, our behavior is not ok and we need treatment. I agree with Christina, the ruminating makes things worse. If the Xanax helps, take it and know the moment will pass.
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