[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm sitting here thinking that by this time tomorrow I'll know for sure if I get to stay with my pdoc and I'll also know what treatment we are doing.

I have some strong opinions right now. My pdoc will listen to the and will go with what I want as long as she considers it reasonable. I really am not wanting to try yet another AP that may cause a repeat of the EPS and may not work anyway. I read back through the months I was loxapine and I was depressed through all of them. I just felt better than when I was severely mixed. But that's still not good.

If it has to be meds I have some ideas about what I will and will not be willing to try. Again, she'll listen.

But now I'm wondering what if everything I suggest is wrong and I wind up with another treatment with questionable efficacy? There is ONE thing left that might work that is easy and that is to increase my Emsam patch to 12 mg. That's a high dose of it that they try to avoid and when I suggested it last week she didn't say "yes, do that" as she usually does when I make a suggestion like that.

But even if she does that eventually the Emsam has to come back down. And this med cocktail is the same one I was on when this episode began and it wasn't working then and isn't working now. So if we go to 12 mg temporarily and come back down there is no guarantee that I won't just wind up depressed again. I do not think this cocktail is working for me anymore.

And so I really want to stick with one of several ideas and I want different tx than med changes. But what if that's all she offers? Life goes on I know but more months of waiting to see, fighting side effects, going off and feeling horrible, that's not really life.

What if she is done treating me is hard enough. What if she's done treating me AND she doesn't agree with me about meds is almost unbearable.

I just want it to be 4 pm NOW.