[gina_re]

I was as high as a kite and I didn't even know it. As I come out of the fog of depression, I'm able to look back and see how crazy my behavior was over the summer. This is the first time I can actually look back and see how I was actually hypomanic. I spent more money than was necessary. I actually had plans for that money. I was going to pay this that and the other. Instead it went to random crap. The weird thing is I have a box of these bright blue sneakers sitting in a box, still in bag over in the corner. I pierced my ears (second hole)! Why?? I almost dyed my hair blue, but because I checked my email and saw I had the job interview, I declined. I slept with someone I really shouldn't have. And despite me turning him down for years, in this state I decide it's finally time. I enrolled in a masters degree program that I don't even know what to do with. As fun as it was to have all that energy, it all came crashing down. The crying spells were so random and exhausting. Of course I felt hopeless, useless, and worthless. No energy. I went for days without a shower. Loss of interest, social isolation, etc. It was the darkest I've been in years. And not necessarily about anything. Sure there were things happening that didn't help, but I didn't ruminate over them.
The crazy thing is that after I'm able to look back and talk about it with certain friends and family members, they tell me that I indeed was more energetic and hyper than usual. I wish I saw it and knew what I know now. What a crazy experience.

Just wanted to share and also know if any of you had any similar experiences? This is a first for me that I can actually say "yes that is indeed hypomania" instead of putting pieces together of random events and calling it hypomania.

[boogiesmash]

I've spent money that was already slotted for a bill plenty of time. Now I'm trying to figure it out. Blue hair huh? Lol.

[LettinG0]

I only ever can recognize my hypos in hindsight. Never when I am in the middle of them or when they are first coming on. I have spent the past year and a half all over the place and desperately trying to gain some self-awareness. We will see.

I'm relatively stable right now....trying to climb out of the last hole my hypo put me in.....dealing with the financial stress......bleh! Gotta love our mistress BP who is such a hard task master....

[faerie_moon_x]

I never know how bad things were until I look back.

[cashart10]

I'm sorry. That is very difficult. After losing touch with reality, I have found myself very self aware, scrutinizing my every uncharacteristic move. I do fear losing that awareness however; it is scary to imagine.

[Azvixxen]

It's weird, I can occasionally catch myself for half a second saying "This is an episode, stop it" but I never listen to that voice and just continue with the mania.

[Mountainbard]

My last hypomanic episode was 3 years ago, and it was very much as you describe yours. I didn't recognize it as hypomania until I was diagnosed BP II 18 months ago, at which point I was able to go back and chart all the major hypomanic episodes. And like you, I had friends and family members tell me they knew something was up that summer, but no one said anything to me. As to whether I'll recognize a future episode, I really can't say. I haven't been close to hypomanic the past three years. In fact I've been battling a long, long episode of depression-- which is another story entirely.

For me looking back I always can see yes this was mania, however I am never able to identify it during the time. I think this has to do with for me my manias slip in so slowly, they build up and get worse as time progresses. I was talking to my psychiatrists about this just this week, she said typically her patients are like that where they are slow to build up and not able to recognize them but everyone else can.

[gina_re]

Thank you all! I wasn't sure if this was something I should've been able to catch or if it was a hindsight type of thing. Guess I just have to try and be careful...

[Row Jimmy]

My hypomanic hangovers usually end in anger and paranoia. After the nice run of goodness and productivity, I've been known to rant at the top of my lungs, drive like a lunatic, smash my trash cans, rip a gutter off my house, punch my refrigerator, and chop up my garage with a hockey stick. Then, an hour later, I usually say "that was stupid".

As all have suggested, I completely lost touch with all reality and never really knew what was wrong with me but my Depakote has settled me down considerably.

Originally Posted by gina_re

but I didn't ruminate over them.

that right there is the gem in all of this... just acknowledge that u had an episode, exactly the way u acknowledged it, and move on to learn from it...

the key is acknowledging, not glorifying, ie turning it into "oh im bipolar, so this is just another phase of mine", which gives it power over u, because that normalizes the behavior and gives it a sort of subconscious mental "shrug" implicating that "i did this, and its okay"... so we go on doing the same things over and over, and always question "why did i do this again???"

simply acknowledging (awareness) goes one of two ways, "i did this, and its okay" or "i did this, and its not okay"... keeping an open mind that its something that was conditioned --- beacuse it is conditioning, since it progressively gets worse thru time, because our minds become wired the more we react that way, just like how memories and reflexes are formed...

yes, i completely empathize on this, because i went through it and got myself in trouble more times than necessary... i still have my troubles, just like the next person, and the person next to that person that doesnt have bipolar... but the more i learn about my problems, the more potential control i have that i can work with... so far, ive been able to spot the start of my mania, and keep myself as grounded as i can... ive lost control sometimes, but none of that matters...

just because i lost control back then, that doesnt define what i will do next... i crawled on my legs once, does that mean im going to crawl again and forever?...

the past is an image, but not necessarily an image of the present... the present always has the potential to be everything else...