[sheisalive]

If you have ever seen me in chat you probably know my story. I have used Psych Central to grieve. I was diagnosed with Bipolar NOS, anxiety and ptsd last year. I lived for two years without a diagnosis. When I found out, a few months after I got married I was devastated. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't be intimate with my husband. I felt tired, hazy and broken. Without warning my husband left me suddenly. I lost my home, I had to move from the city that I love and I began facing a painful divorce which continues to this day.

I soldiered on in my new city and continued going to school for my Finance degree. I cry at school some days in the bathroom. I fight tears on the bus ride home. I miss my city, my friends and my life in the city. I live in the mountains now but I am a city girl born and bred and my happiness lies in the hustle of that urban environment.

I have been going to a new therapist for the last few weeks. He has helped me see that the two years that I spent undiagnosed was not my fault. He has helped me see that the man I was married to was not equipped to deal with illness. A simple fact. This fact has eluded me for about 7 months. I blamed myself, I blamed him. Now I see we both have our limitations. My ex does not see things the way that I do. He is angry and judgemental about my illness. He takes it personally and he is frustrated by it. But I am free from that. I don't have to suffer his negative perspective of my illness any longer. I am not damaged goods and I am not a bad person for being bipolar. I am stable now and I have worked hard from the moment I stepped into inpatient last year.

I am beginning to experience a breath of fresh air. I have a plan to move back to the city by next summer. I have the humility to go from a successful career girl to a broke student in the city in order to have a stronger career. I have the courage and the determination to begin again. I will go back home, I will drop my pride and I will rebuild the life that I loved without my ex. I am not afraid of the risk. Losing my mind and my marriage at the same time helped me to further understand the impermanence of things. We cannot control life, we can only control our responses. One day at a time I can change things and I feel blessed for that.

I know a lot of people are not as lucky as me. Some of us do not respond to medication and suffer regardless of what the psychiatrist prescribes. This hurts me, I know that if given the choice most of us would want to be healed. I am grateful for staying med compliant, for working out and for having the courage to grieve not only the loss of my mind but the loss of my marriage. I am lucky. I am strong and I am focused. I will not let bipolar define me. I intend to continue to rise and become who I see myself as. In my heart I know I am much more than I may think of myself at times. I wish good luck to all of us that suffer with mental illness or illness in general. Illness is hard for people to process. Some people blame us for being sick, some abandon us, some stay and care. All of it, the illness, the pain of losing relationships, the fight for healthy stability, all of it builds incredible strength and courage in us. Be encouraged. Best, SIA

[Skeezyks]

Thank you for this wise post, sheisalive...

[99 FAIRIES]

well said. Thank you for the encouragement.

[WibblyWobbly]

This is a wonderfully positive post. I know what you're going through, my boyfriend of 12 years left me right when I got diagnosed. It's great that you are looking forward and seeing a future for yourself without your husband. It's a sign of recovery.