Well so much for that.

Just a little vent I guess. I tried skipping a dosage to see if I would be alright or not.

I could not fall asleep at all. I wound up not sleeping for almost 48 hours until I finally caved and took my medication. By then my whole body hurt, and my lower back is still killing from the experience. The sleep deprivation quickly started doing a number on my mind as well.

So that's that. I'm hooked. If I don't take my med, I won't be able to sleep, and it'll only be a short while before the psychosis starts. I'm hooked, trapped, dependent. What if the pharmacy runs out again like they did the first time. I could be psychotic within a matter of days.

Part of me what tempted to just keep going, to push through it, but my brother's wedding is in a couple days, and I don't want to risk being a mess for the wedding, or having to skip it. Love for my brother and fear of psychosis got me to take a dosage after 48 hours.

What a little nightmare. I can't believe I just flat out could not sleep. Even though my body was tired and sore, and my mind was flickering around as though dreaming, I remained awake. How can I be so dependent on a pill. It's so unnerving.

Maybe you can try later when things aren't as risky?

I might, maybe when I don't have any obligations.

I'm just so flustered and stressed out by the medication. My pdoc wants to change my meds anyway if I can't stop gaining weight. I can't seem to stop gaining weight.

Everything would be less stressful if I didn't need it. If I was just a little miserable without it, a little anxious, a little scatter brained.

But now I know that I need it in order to sleep. That without it, I only have a short period of time before becoming psychotic.

I depend on a pill to function. Which means I'm at the mercy of a psychiatrist. I'm at the mercy of finances, whether or not I can afford meds. I'm at the mercy of the pharmacy, which might run out and make me wait for days until they get in a new shipment.

I just have this terrible feeling like what have I done to myself.

You haven't done this to yourself, it's unfortunately what comes with having this illness. I fell into this trap with taking Seroquel, I couldn't sleep without it. I was able to get off of it, but unfortunately have to be on an AP, now Geodon.

I have and still do at times fight the fact that I need these meds in order to function in society. I have to take these meds to hold a job, achieve my dreams, and most importantly having relationships with the ones I love. This is what keeps me on track. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Thank you. I'm just scared for some reason. It reminds me of when I was younger and smoked weed. Sometimes I would get high and it would be uncomfortable and anxious, but there was nothing I could do about it, I'd get higher than I meant to and have a panic attack. Everything would feel wrong and off and I would just want my mind to go back to normal. I feel like this medication has changed my brain in some way, like I'm high and not really myself, and I can't go off of it or else I'll go insane. So it feels like I really screwed up big time, like I finally did something to my brain that can't be undone. Like I've been in a terrible accident or something. I'm probably not even making much sense through the anxiety that's happening. I feel like the only thing that can make it alright is if I lose weight, and I'm not even sure why I feel that way.

Never stop taking any medication cold turkey, always taper. Everyone tells you to do taper only with the advise of a pdoc, but good luck finding ANY pdoc that knows anything about the proper way to taper.

I suggest you start with the following which is a booklet in PDF format.

Harm Reduction Guide To Coming Off Psychiatric Drugs

The way I look at it is: if I had diabetes I'd be dependent on insulin. I'm dependent on my medications to keep me stable, and that doesn't bother me. Sure sometimes I wish I didn't have to take them, but I know what will happen if I don't, and I know it won't be a good outcome. You stopped your med and found out what will happen. You know it will not be a good outcome to do so again. So I hope it will help if you maybe look at it like insulin. You'd rather not take it but you know what the consequences would be if you don't.

I feel stuck too. I tried halving my geodon dose again with intentions of stopping it completely tomorrow and lasted three days but last night had a big paranoia attack with some psychosis and my husband asked if I was taking my medication the way I'm supposed to and I couldn't lie, so I'm back to my full dose.

It's sucky, but I guess what can we do? The alternative to taking meds is unfortunate.

Maybe you could try weaning off of it next time and see how things go and if you start having recurrent symptoms stop.

It's not your fault. None of us chose this life for ourselves. I had a med once that caused weight gain (depakote), but when I switched to topamax I was able to lose a little. I don't stay on my meds like I should because I never found the right combo that works for me, so I get discouraged and stop them. Last year I broke down and told my Dr I wanted back on them, but all she gave me was the mood stabilizer. I wish you the best of luck!

I've done this before with seroquel and lithium. It sucked but there was some comfort in knowing that what is happening to me has to do with the chemicals in my brain, not my choices or my own lack of control. It's the opposite of what you said—it's not your fault, it's just the wiring in your brain needs some help.

You can set a reminder on your phone to go off 5 days before your prescription is due to run out and request your refill then in case the pharmacy has run out.