[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've made the decision to try to fight through another 4.5 weeks of depression hoping that I will somehow get the Rexulti samples I need. I decided this because if I don't give it a chance and am struggling with clozaril (which I am finally feeling comfortable taking) or ECT (which I think would be done if Clozaril fails unless the 2nd opinion dr thinks ECT would help more than the other one did) I will have regrets. If I wait and try Rexulti and it works or doesn't work I'll know. If we can't get any samples then it just isn't supposed to happen. But I need to be sure before the drastic treatments. If they thought ECT would help I'd be doing it now and not worrying but since they don't I want to be sure.

I also have made sure my therapist knows that I am well-aware that I'm something of a danger to myself but not enough for anyone to force admission. If I went to the ER they'd have to admit me but I can stay out too. But because I know my decisions aren't the best right now he is in charge of that decision. And since he's admitted that he's scared I will act impulsively he will send me in if he gets worried at all. (more worried I guess).

So there are plans. But the thing we can't plan for is the stupid time change. Every time the time changes my bipolar rebels. Nothing prevents it; I have a blue light and it won't prevent anything. I can't really use the blue light this year yet because when I'm unstable it shoots me into mania and while I'm mostly unstably depressed my official dx is still severe mixed episode because I do burst into hypomania every so often and then right out of it.

I'm afraid that I just won't handle it this year at all. My body is so tired and my mood already so bad that I don't know what a challenge to that is going to do. It's just 2 weeks off (I think?) and it's terrifying. I know I could need to be IP at any point right now for suicide risk. I do not know if I can cope with something making that risk higher. And time change week has a very stressful component to it that I can't go into here; a family thing that is really tough happens that week.

UGH.

[LettinG0]

Hey Beyond......I'm glad you have a plan in place....and I'm sorry that the time-change is so difficult for you. It is hard for me as well. However, I actually am fairly stable at the moment on a good med combo so I am hoping that the transition is uneventful for me this year.

That doesn't help you any though. Just know that I am thinking of you.