Am I Too Far Gone?

I'll be keeping you guys in my prayers!

I texted my pdoc, he didn't call back. Now, I am SO embarrassed.

I really think the hospital would help.

He wouldn't have given you his # if he didn't want you to call/text. I've felt that way when I didn't get a return email before, especially when I use the special system to be sure my dr gets the email and call her secretary and leave a message for her to be sure to look for my email and then she still doesn't answer. But there is always a reason when that happens and your pdoc may just have had a long day. I've had mine call at some weird times before so don't give up on that yet for today even and there is always tomorrow.

I'm glad therapy went so well. I've felt like I wanted to live in therapy before. I've felt like I WAS living in therapy before. That's a good sign it helped and you feel really comfortable with her which is wonderful.

I sent him another text apologizing for the wording of the first text. He is really going to think I've lost my damn mind.

I've done that before too. My pdoc continues to put up with me.

Thank you and I know you are probably right. My anxiety is out of control though. I feel like I am about to panic. About what? I don't know.

Haha...maybe that's a sign of a good (or at least a caring) one.

You sound very anxious today. That never helps anything. I hate that near-panic feeling. Can you take a klonopin or anything? I don't know how tired that makes you.

This is a really neat thing to help with relaxation breathing that someone posted on facebook the other day. (I can't believe I found it, she posts EVERYTHING . You just watch the shapes change. It helps me a lot.

https://31.media.tumblr.com/b1406ea4...v5xlo1_500.gif

Thank you so much. I already tried it with a few breaths. My t discussed breathing with me a lot today as well. It is so hard to give into it when you are worked up, but I am going to try it instead of listening to music and getting even more worked up.

I'm never good about doing breathing but I like the visual so am trying to use it.

He texted me back and said he was in a meeting at Church.

He told me to take extra Klonapin tonight to sleep and I can either call him this evening or he can call me tomorrow. I said calling me tomorrow is fine.

See? Not mad at you. Being a good person .

Thank God.

My pdoc is Jewish. I don't have a calendar at home that shows anything like Jewish holidays so I tend to email her every single time there is one. I feel pretty stupid about this but I generally keep doing it unless I happen to stumble across the information that she won't be available.

I also remember once when I was manic I was supposed to leave a written note for her about how I was doing. I couldn't make sense so I kept writing in the margins and drawing lines to continue my completely random thoughts. When I was leaving she pulled my therapist aside and showed him and then they both tried to explain that I was making no sense whatsoever. I did not believe them and tried to verbally explain it but remained very confused. I got meds to calm me down for some reason.

That's kind of funny about the Jewish holidays...and thanks for making me smile. I do silly stuff like that all the time too. I feel like such a dork. Tomorrow when he calls me back I will apologize and explain that I thought maybe I had upset him and hopefully all will he well. Well, all will be well with the text at least. I have no idea what he will say about me.

A few weeks ago I took a letter about them trying to use a new model of service and my pdoc potentially having to cut her caseload b/c she has a new job and has too many patients right now to mean that I was going to be cut from her caseload after 13 years. I was so sure that I'd be the first to go b/c I've been hard. She just sighed and said she had me and someone else that she was struggling to stabilize but no, it would be patients who were assigned to her more recently and not the ones like me who she brought from her old private practice and people who were non-compliant first. Which made total sense when I heard it. But I was certain she was so sorry she ever gave me her phone #, much less email, and that she'd be glad to be rid of me. Apparently not true.

You are going to be ok. Stupid bipolar and its' 3 feet high speed bumps. But you had a big day with the therapist and you decided to reach out for help when you needed from the pdoc and those are GOOD things, things you wouldn't necessarily have done in March. You'll get better. Hopefully quickly.