Big day for no good reason

Monday's therapy left me very upset and I've not slept much since. Monday night I was awake until 6:30 AM. I finally knocked myself out with a lot of PRNs. The other nights haven't been good either but today it was all going to be ok b/c I was going to my therapist and was going to show him the letter I wrote and he was going to calm my PTSD plus depression down so that I'd stop wanting to hurt myself and could function.

I left home on time and knew I had to stop for gas. No big deal until I realized I forgot my purse. I had $3 in my pocket, barely enough to get home (my therapist is an hour away and I'd already gotten about 33% of the way there when this dawned on me.) So I called and he didn't have anything else.

I HAD to go to the pet store for cat food and it had to be a specific pet store, one I was in last night but for some reason decided to wait to get cat food until today in a different city than I was in yesterday. I also had to go to the fabric store for fabric to finish Christmas presents I'm making. (I'd had vicodin after dental work and appaerntly it made me lose all rational thought). So I was going to go to to the pet store and fabric store in the city I was at yesterday which is 15 minutes closer than therapy city. Except I suddenly remembered I'd ordered a pick up in store, pre-paid Christmas gift for my niece. So off I went to the therapy city without therapy.

I did get smart enough to go to the less crowded sewing store on the way up. But it was still chaos and the toy store I don't want to talk about. Plus that was just a lot of driving. Oh, and the toy store had somehow misplaced my order and didn't have what I ordered although it turned out after a lot of discussion and my repeating that I drove an hour each way to get this item that they had it in stock in the store but nobody in the store knew this?. It was weird.

But this is why i don't leave my house in late Nov-early January. At least I am 2 online orders and one store from done I think. I hope.

Now I just need to cut out 12 more pieces for the things I'm sewing and tomorrow I can start sewing. And sewing and sewing but it's easy sewing so that's ok. I have an ambitious plan for this so I really hope my pdoc doesn't insist I start clozaril now. Otherwise people will be getting a pile of pieces for their Christmas gifts.

I really wish I'd seen my therapist. I really needed another session to be ok for Thanksgiving (beyond the one next week) and I know he won't have time for me next week beyond my regular appt. It feels like all the anger I've been too afraid to release over a situation in my life escaped all at once when he suggested I let the other person know that I am angry. But this isn't what he had in mind. This is raw and angry and hard to cope with and it is painful to read and very personal. But i needed to say those things so it's good I have but it also has me considerably freaked out.

Oh well. Monday we'll just have to talk fast.