[ablankscript]

I have been going to therapy and on medication off and on for about 4 years now. Different doctors have diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder, mag or depression, bipolar 2, and adhd. I also have been following various self help and spiritual teachings. I work, but do manual labor, I have my bachelor's degree, but have never been able to consistently apply myself, I finished school because I like learning and my mom who was sick with cancer wanted me to get my bachelor's and she died the semester *before i finished. In away school was an escape from all the pain of her being sick and at the hospital. I had always changed my mind though about what I wanted to do and have continued *this. I get in stints where I really apply myself toward something with unrealistic expectations and eventually lose interest or burn myself out not sure which it is.*

I have always been socially awkward, having crippling anxiety, low frustration tolerance and anger issues, obsessive thoughts that would keep me up many nights whether about things I want to happen or don't want to happen. Medication has helped me, but I still have intrusive thoughts about suicidal and morbid, erotic thoughts I would never act on them as they all go against my morality, but I can't help but focus on them and they fester in my mind. I can't hospitalize myself as I have been told I should because I have a child and I am the sole provider. Having a child makes the stakes higher and I thought that having one would help stabilize me, but it was impulsive and now I am not happy with the person I had a child with.

I love my child more than I have ever loved, I have tried moving out because when I am alone I can work on myself, but the woman who I also support needs my help 24/7 it seems and I don't * want to make his life hard as he is very attached to me as well.

My doctor recently told me I can collect disability for bipolar, but that seems like the easy way out. My therapist would like to rule out adhd as he believes if I respond to ADHD *medicine it could be life changing and my doctor doesn't want to put me on anything besides the bipolar medication. As I said I have applied myself or started seriously looking into a lot of different things i tell everyone my new plans like criminal justice(my major), law, nursing, computer programming, writer (I have wrote a lot of short stories that I never finish one being around 60,000 words), musician, minister and I am sure I am missing some. My dad thinks I need structure and should just get a normal 9-5, I agree but just can't get one and am picky because everything has to fit my plan of who I am and want to be. In a way I become engrossed with my creative ideas I guess you could say that become grandiose thinking I am will discover greatness.

I don't have a lot of friends really just 2-3 as I guess people would describe my as a flake out and would always cancel plans last minute as I would have a change in mood. It doesn't *bother me spending time alone, but at times I am impulsive and spontaneous but that never lasts and want to go wild. I am very messy, everything I have I break or ruin. I can clean, and keep good habits for a little bit, but the clutter always builds up and I stop caring.*

I have struggled with my sexuality going back and forth between accepting myself as gaya and going out with guys to wanting girls.

I am 31 and this whole up and down is getting old and I want to be stable if not for me then for my child. I don't feel like I can make it in the real world. Does anyone have similar experiences and have any advice?

[Skeezyks]

Hello ablankscript: Welcome to PsychCentral! PC is a great place to gain support as well as to obtain mental health related information. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more you'll gain from the time you spend here. I'm certain that, as you continue to post, here on PC, you will find many other members who share your concerns. I wish you well...

[ComfortablyNumb5]

"Does any have similar experiences?" I could have written this myself. I've started trade schools in a manic episode thinking "now my life will be on track and stable" only to never take the state licensing tests for any of them. Luckily in my state you don't have to take a state test in medical assisting to work. However while on the job in March I had a breakdown and havn't been back to work since. My pdoc says he considers me disabled and that I can get disability. But I can't wait for the time it takes. I'm currently looking for a job but with little effort really. Your symptoms definitely sound like bipolar. Are you on meds or in therapy? I wish I had some magic answer for you but if there was one out there, none of us would be on this site. Just keep up with meds and therapy and if you're not, then you should start. You may be 31 but getting help later is better than never. While you aren't stable, I would look for a job that is the most stress free for you. I worked a very stressful job and ended up having a panic attack so bad that I blacked out, walked out, and never went back. I realize I'm not stable at the moment so the jobs I'm seeking are low stress. May not pay the best but my sanity comes first right now.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN