[earthangel1]

When I was 7, I was in a small plane crash which killed my infant brother and dad right in front of me. Shortly afterward, I went to live with aunt and cousin because my mom was still in the hospital. He began abusing me, raping me, making me lay naked with dead animals he had just tortured. And now it's all coming back. The clonazepam and abilify can't stop this. His name is Alex, and he's talking to me, telling me I liked it, telling me to smash things. Then I hear a girl's voice and she is telling me not to listen to him, that he's evil. They both are fighting each other in my head. I feel in touch with reality though somewhat. I've just gotten used to them talking. I feel like this is something medication can't help. I just have to get deep healing from the abuse, and death of half my family.

(((((((bpenniman)))))))
I'm at a loss for words. I can't imagine. SO terrible!!!!! So sorry that happened to you and that it haunts your mind. Sending lots and lots of healing thoughts and hugs.

Are you currently working with a T?

[Cat_Lover_58]

I cannot imagine what this is like for you, sending hugs your way. Please keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. Cat

[Pastel Kitten]

It breaks my heart to hear you've had to suffer so horrifically. I can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with this. I hope that you have/find someone to talk to about this and work through it. Wishing you the best, and many hugs.

[RunnerIM]

Oh my gosh! So very sorry for this stress and anger you must be feeling over this. I don't think melds will take that away with me either. Does anything take the voices away? I know what you mean by in touch with reality but you still hear his voice then the back and forth with trying to stop it. Please keep in touch. That's what we are here for.

[earthangel1]

My psychologist has described this as a form of PTSD. And I do have PTSD. So that may very well be what it is. But if I yell at the voices or try to shut them up, they seem to get very hurt and then I feel sad. So they are a part of me. After all of my trauma happened, I daydreamed about being a girl named Katie. And I am a guy so it was odd. But after I constantly daydreamed and daydreamed, she started talking when I was like 8, and she comforted me through the abuse that happened to me. And I have had psychotic episodes where I buy girl's clothes for Katie and nail polish and lipstick. But Alex, the cousin who did all those things to me also talks to me and he tears me apart, telling me that I'm useless and would be better off dead. And then Katie comes to the rescue and tells me I have value and not to listen to Alex.

[Amy Today]

I can relate to your issue, though I can't imagine the trauma of losing your family. I have a history of sexual abuse and those voices are familiar to me. I never really found a therapist to help me through it, but here is something I did that helped.

Mindfulness is very important. I told myself to remember that all of those voices are children. Even the voice of my abuser is a child, because it isn't actually the voice of my abuser, but a voice that I created mimicking the voice of my abuser when I was a child. I created all of these fragments as a way to cope.

I am not a child, I am an adult. While those children repeatedly endure the abuse, I do not, because I am an adult and in control now.

Whenever I would hear the voices, I'd become what I envisioned a healthy parent to be. A healthy parent would be supportive and authoritative and I pretended to be one until it felt like a new "normal". As a healthy parent, I mediated between the voices, I supported both the good and bad, and I tried to help them find common ground so they could all exist in some sort of dysfunctional balance. Eventually they had nothing left to fight about and they quieted down.

I don't think it would work for everyone, and the care of a therapist is very necessary, but it's what helped me get through it. I know how frustrating it can be when you have all of that going on in your head almost constantly.

Originally Posted by bpenniman

When I was 7, I was in a small plane crash which killed my infant brother and dad right in front of me. Shortly afterward, I went to live with aunt and cousin because my mom was still in the hospital. He began abusing me, raping me, making me lay naked with dead animals he had just tortured. And now it's all coming back. The clonazepam and abilify can't stop this. His name is Alex, and he's talking to me, telling me I liked it, telling me to smash things. Then I hear a girl's voice and she is telling me not to listen to him, that he's evil. They both are fighting each other in my head. I feel in touch with reality though somewhat. I've just gotten used to them talking. I feel like this is something medication can't help. I just have to get deep healing from the abuse, and death of half my family.

You are one strong human being. You've been through so much! It breaks my heart to read what you've been through... To know that you've actually experienced an enormous amount of pain. And yet here you are. You're still fighting. Still trying day after day. You are a strong, brave person. You are a source of hope. An inspiration.

[nicoleflynn]

How horrific! You might want to write a letter of restorative justice....that means saying...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel....the letter is for you. Hugs and Love, Nicole

P.S. You might want to consider therapy, also.