[Victoria'smom]

Okay here goes:
Logical question first: am I taking my meds correctly? Yes. I'm not seeing my therapist until January.

Now my question: is suicide, isolating, crying always depression? Or could it be just situational?

So I told my husband I want a divorce. He told me no! That he knows I love him more than a best friend so no. He knows I'm suicidal because I can't go through a depression again. He doesn't like that I have answers to most questions about what would happen about x topic. This is a long term plan not immediate I'm not in danger. I don't even have a plan but it does seem like I'm uncontioncisly tyeing up loose ends. I randomly was crying in therapy repeating "I can't do this again." I'm never serious in therapy. I've always used humor as my response. I do take therapy seriously just that's my personality. I'm also almost numb.

So is this depression? Or because I want a divorce? Or do I even want a divorce?

[czarina1984]

Yes, its possible to just be situational. Only you will be able to tell the difference. For me, the bp depression isn't as heavy or all consuming. Usually I cry more if its situational and I can still find joy in the little things. I get suicidal on both though and if the situation doesn't get resolved quickly, it will set off the bp depression.

[Victoria'smom]

So what do you do when they flat out say no.

Are you ok Hun

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Well we are in the same State and I don't think it can be contested. However you should focus on YOU now. Divorce for me took four years and he filed and I didn't contest. It was so stressful.

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Feeling suicidal, wanting to isolate and being down can happen with me if circumstances trigger it. xo

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PS: I'm not suggesting divorce. I'd wait until my mood stabilized. I was married to an abusive narcissist and I'm grateful I escaped. Sadly, it was a 16 year marriage. I'd planned on a partner for life but stuff happens. How are you?

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[Victoria'smom]

I'm a wreak. Had to take a kolotipin to calm down.

[Victoria'smom]

wait until my mood stabilized. How do I know when that is?

[Random]

My opinion is its probably depression or at least a depressive episode. The part of your post that spoke to me was the "I can't do this again." part. I remember feeling like this sometimes too, its almost more scary seeing yourself go down familiar roads than actually being on the road for the first time. I talked to my therapist about this and we discussed how just because theres some familiar symptoms doesnt mean the destination will be the same. You've been through this, lean on your support people if you have any and if not just keep posting. Try to be gentle with yourself, you're dealing with a very stressful situation right now and it would be for anyone especially around this time of year when everything feels amped up already. Take care.

[Victoria'smom]

I talked to my best friend. He says I'm tieing things up in a nice little bow so I don't feel bad when I do attempt. I need to find a big project to distract myself. He feels I will attempt and need to talk to t fast but t knows everything already. My husband wants me to see pdoc.

Yes, you need to tell your therapist AND your pdoc explicitly what is going on.

[Victoria'smom]

I don't see them until January.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I don't see them until January.

Use the phone.

[Victoria'smom]

I got the appointment changed to the 18th and called the Med line to see if I can up my ad until I see him.

[~Christina]

Well since I have known you for years now I am going to break it down from my perspective ...

Have I seen you stable ? yes . How long have I ever seen you stable and going about life for more than a couple months? Never.

I am not being mean just stating facts as you have posted about your daily struggles over the years.

You seldom stayed on your medications and taken them as actually prescribed by your treatment team for more 3 months with out somehow fiddling here and there even a small amount.

You always have some kind of upset or drama going on in your life, there are changes with Miguel and his school situation often, You routinely "check out" and often need headphones to block out the world . You have often gotten angry that your husband tells you to take meds or not take them or say he will talk to your T or Pdoc . Yes you have given him permission to do so, but.. when your in some kind of episode you get angry and hate that he has this ability , so I'm thinking you probably have alot of resentment at times or maybe its always bubbling under the surface and your not sure how to handle it .. which would make sense.

I'm sorry life has handed you BP and ED and whatever else . But its your life.. and now you just need to figure how to make it the best life possible for you.

Do I think you want to divorce your husband? Maybe , maybe it's that resentment that is possibly there. Do you always make sense when it comes to your well being? well no , I dont think so . I have known your for years now.. You routinely flip and flop on take meds, screw meds, love my husband , hate my husband, Love my child, feel homocidal towards them, want to just go off yourself to not have to be a Mom , wife, responsible adult.

So where does that leave you ? Are you capable or caring for your son if your husband isnt there to step in when he needs too??? Personally no I dont think so.

Are you in a depressive state? suicidal? isolating? .. Yep and that is a state that you spend alot of time in ,, based on seeing your posting over the years .

Maybe you will always have these struggles.. that doesnt mean your life is just going to suck, it just means you need to readjust how your looking at your life. I deal with unrelenting chronic pain that often drops me in the land of suicidal thinking.. But I have learned how to turn my mind and focus on something else when need be and eventually hours ...often days of turning my mind .. I will be spit out the other side and my suicidal thinking will go away for a bit. We all have the ability to control our thoughts more than we think we can.. that is something that I have learned in my Therapy work.

So what should you do ? Thats up to you. You have lots of options. But as a Mom .. Your first and foremost thoughts need to be on Miguel. Thats just what happens when you have a child, they come first. If you and your husband do a trail seperation? Does Miguel go with him ? or stay with you? Your not stable right now, so I would think he should be with his father, for safety sake. If you stay together maybe you and him along with your Therapy team can work on a way to quiet down thoses resentments towards him you might have, or maybe you dont have any and want to go back to life being single. Maybe being a wife and mother is just more than you can manage right now.

Regardless.. I think your trying to make life altering decisions when your not at all stable is of course going to be wrong .

I know you hate me saying Miguel comes first and always should.. but he is an innocent child in the middle of a family where both parents struggle with MI .. Can he go back to his Grandmothers while you and your husband work on stability and decide what is the best solution to your apparent unhappiness and figure out what will be best for you.. while keeping in mind what is going to be healthy for Miguel.

Based off just today's thread? You have no ability to make a well thought out decision about anything.

[Unrigged64072835]

A project to get you out of your head would be helpful. Do you have time to volunteer for something? Maybe be at a party for Miguel at his school? I'm just thinking of ideas.

I think your decision to divorce is putting a big stressor on you. It may be something that can be set aside until you come out of the depression. You need to take care of you and I'm glad to see you're taking steps to do that.

[Victoria'smom]

Have I seen you stable ? yes I'm surprised that you've seen me stable for a month.

now you just need to figure how to make it the best life possible for you. I'm trying to

when your in some kind of episode you get angry and hate that he has this ability , so I'm thinking you probably have alot of resentment at times or maybe its always bubbling under the surface and your not sure how to handle it .. which would make sense. I never know when I'm in episode. I use here to tell me.

I would leave to my parents house until I save enough for a studio or get disability housing. He'd stay in our home with his dad. He's often more stable then me. So I'd get Miguel Thursday night - Sunday night. My husband hates that I have answers but him and my best friend think I'll quickly (with in the week of moving out) commit suicide and that's my heads real ploy.

Maybe being a wife and mother is just more than you can manage right now. What do I about that if thats the case?

focus on something else that's what my friend wants me to do.

My husband is stable now. Our therapy team is working on us staying together. I wouldn't move out until February but I think the best thing for Miguel is if we stay together.

I think your trying to make life altering decisions when your not at all stable is of course going to be wrong . It feels like it has to be this second I make the choice and move.

I really need you guys because I have no one else right now I don't see T until January.

You have no ability to make a well thought out decision about anything. Will I ever?

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I think your trying to make life altering decisions when your not at all stable is of course going to be wrong . It feels like it has to be this second I make the choice and move.

I really need you guys because I have no one else right now I don't see T until January.
?

Do one thing for you and your family right now....make no decisions until you are stable.
No decision about suicide,
no decisions about divorce,
no decisions
No decisions about meds, take them everyday as prescribed
No decisions about bedtime, go to bed at the same times every night even if you don't sleep
No decisions about to eat or not to eat, eat everyday at the same time even if you are not hungry
No decisions about if you will shower, shower at the same time everyday

[junkDNA]

Do you want to be stable?

[Victoria'smom]

Do you want to be stable? I want to be happy, if that means stable then yes. If stable means always feeling blah then no. I feel stable now even though everyone says I'm not. So I have to believe everyone else.