[brad86]

Hi everyone, I googled bipolar forum and ended up here. I guess I just felt I needed someone to talk to about what i'm going through who really understands and this seems like a good place to start.

I'm 29 and was diagnosed bipolar II when I was 19, after resisting medication for a while I gave in because I was rapid cycling every few days and it was torture. Not too long after that I discovered marijuana and also started drinking, probably not the best idea. Just before christmas 2005, while smoking daily and living with my dad and 17yr old sister, I took a small amount of my sisters psychedelic mushrooms (cuz I was stoned and it seemed like a fun idea I guess) smoked a bowl and went to bed. Long story short it seemed to flip a switch in my brain and I lost touch with reality and wound up in the back of an ambulance and spent 2 weeks in a psych ward at harborview hospital in seattle. From there I slowly came back and ended up spending two weeks in an inpatient facility and then transitioned to an outpatient program where I had a psychiatrist manage my medication.

Since then I have not seen a psychiatrist, i've been on the same 1200mg dosage of generic trileptal, which has done wonders. While going through bouts of depression and elevated mood the extreme highs and lows have been managed with the trileptal. Over the last three years I developed anxiety which I was prescribed celexa for, again it worked well and helped even me out.

Beginning at the end of summer i've had a pretty hard crash. I changed restaurant jobs, which was very stressful and induced some bad anxiety which caused me to lose that job. I was screwed, the anxiety was too bad for me to pick myself back up and I ended up moving in with my dad and stepmom an hour north, in a very isolated location. I then went into deep depression where I had no hope for the future and was very suicidal, I didn't try anything but I was close. Since then things have improved slightly but i'm still unemployed, depressed, and my mood is not stable. I just started seeing a counselor who i'm going to work with to start developing a treatment plan but i'm still feeling completely overwhelmed, life just seems so difficult and bleak right now.

I went through a two week period right before thanksgiving in which I was hypomanic. This was after flying to colorado alone in a severe depression to help my very bipolar mother, who was manic, unmedicated, and smoking pot all day. I believe this temporarily pushed me into a hypomania, in which I was inspired to write this:

A typical depression is a drop in mood, like stumbling into a hole in the ground. It may be difficult to crawl back to the surface but it’s still in view, like how a golfer can still see the green from a sand trap. While stumbling into a hole in the ground can be troublesome, imagine tumbling down from the peak of the highest mountain and into a deep dark cave in which you can barely see rays of sunlight peeking through a crack in the rock where your life was. Crawling out of this cave just once seemed impossible, but imagine each time you get back to the surface and pick up the pieces of your shattered life your doomed to go right back in that cave. Sometimes years can go by before you find yourself back in that darkness, but for some it could be a monthly, weekly, or even a daily fall. It would be one thing if you fell from the surface, but each fall is preceded by a climb up to the top of that mountain. At the peak of the mountain, just like the cave, the surface is out of view. From this height you can’t see the surface because the sun shines so bright and reflects off the clouds below. You can’t see your mundane life below because you are in awe of the infinite possibilities you can see from this height, you believe you can fly. But then you fall. You tumble back down the mountain and past your life at the surface, you’re back in the cave.
Again, you can see the rays of daylight on the cave wall, reminding you how it felt to be alive feel dimmer then last time. This is bipolar disorder.

To the people in your life who stay at the surface, bipolar disorder can look like the common cold. Everyone catches a bug now and then that can cause you to crawl into bed for a few days and use some sick days at work. Depression is like the common cold of the mind, caused by a nasty bug in the form of the loss of a loved one, losing your job, or any other environmental stressor. This sickness is an internal reaction to an external circumstance that makes you fall in a hole of depression. Because you are reacting to an external circumstance that puts you in this hole the remedy is simple, fix the problem. Others have fixed the problem and gotten out of this hole, they’ve had the bug and they think they know what it’s like, and how they can help. Drink tons of orange juice and get plenty of sleep some will say. Other’s suggest nyquil, plenty of fluids, and to just sleep it off. But you don’t have the common cold, you have ebola. Instead of the horrible physical effects ebola wreaks on the human body, clear for all to see, the effects of the deep hopeless bipolar depression are trapped within the mind hidden from view. Orange juice don’t do **** for ebola. NyQuil can’t clear up ebola in a couple days with a few days of work and a plenty of rest. Why doesn’t your cold clear up like everyone else’s they all wonder. You don’t have a cold, you have an epidemic plague, and nobody knows, often not even the person suffering.

Sorry if this was too long :/

Hi Brad. Nice to meet you.

[Imah]

You are sooo not alone. Welcome!!!

[Mountainbard]

Welcome to the Psych Central community, brad. What a great post! Your description of bipolar depression is so excellent. I just came out of a 2 1/2 year depression (I also have bipolar II) and.... well, enough said. There are lots of us here who have the epidemic plague. You can definitely find lots of people who understand to talk to here.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Hi Brad. Maybe you can contact Esperanza magazine or other publications and sell your articles. You are a fine writer.
I've done cocktail and food waitressing and it's very stressful. People don't understand that either. One table wants coffee, one their bill, you've got an order up ect.
Read as much as you can. Teach yourself C BT. Listen to uplifting DVDs You can buy used stuff at most library's.
Take it easy and know that you are loved.

[Pastel Kitten]

Welcome Brad! I like what you wrote about the struggles of bipolar. It's so hard to get the people around me to understand that this isn't something that's going to go away through typical remedies. You're definitely not alone in your struggles and I hope you find comfort and peace here.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Hi Brad! Welcome! Loved what you wrote! You have a gift!

[BipolaRNurse]

What an excellent description of bipolar! Thank you for writing it. You might want to consider a blog; it's a great outlet and you never know who you might reach. Mine has been visited by people in over 100 countries. Try it, you may like it.

[jacky8807]

Welcome Brad! Writing is the best outlet for me as well. Beautiful work keep writing

I'm not bipolar but I hope it's OK to post a short response, I didn't just want to click the thanks/ hug icon. Brad, you have a talent for imagery and the English language. Welcome to PC and I hope we get to read a lot more of your thoughts. And like the others above have said, think about doing something with your gift.

[furiousfever]

Welcome!

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[Nix]

Hello Brad. I liked what you wrote.

[hopeless2015]

Very well written, this is an awesome place and as you can see very welcoming. Please keep writing

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[brad86]

Thanks for your kind words guys and gals I grew up with a mother struggling with bipolar disorder, anxiety, substance abuse, all that fun stuff. She was however a very loving caring mother and I have her to thank for getting me to a psychiatrist when I first started showing serious signs of a mood disorder. I've experienced both sides of bipolar disorder; the concerned but confused onlooker, and the first hand sufferer.

While attending community college I eventually concluded that I wanted to do something to alleviate the suffering of others by using by own first hand experiences to help others. I started out in psychology which I found fascinating but transitioned into a interdisciplinary degree that included social services, public policy, sociology, etc. I graduated 3 years ago but my symptoms, while controlled with medication, have held me back from biting the bullet and doing what was necessary to get a grown up job While going through my latest, and most severe depression, one that has left me completely lost, my step mom (a social worker) suggested becoming a peer support counselor. A light bulb went off in my head and I think that is what my calling is, at least to start.

In the mean time I have started seeing a counselor who i'll be seeing once a week through a private non-profit mental health organization. While I know I need the therapy for myself, I also want to go through all the therapeutic strategies that are used to help people with bipolar so I have that experience as a peer support counselor. I have yet to get any experience in a mental health setting which is obviously rather necessary to land a job, but I would like to find a place to volunteer in seattle while go through therapy.

All that said i'm really struggling getting out of bed these days and am still often overwhelmed by everything and occasionally have suicidal thoughts.

Any suggestions?

Your writing really moved me. Especially this part made me choke up a little:
"Again, you can see the rays of daylight on the cave wall, reminding you how it felt to be alive feel dimmer then last time. This is bipolar disorder."

[scatterbrained04]

Your writing was very well put. Love it.

And welcome

[brad86]

I wrote this in my most recent hypomanic state when I was having some thoughts of grandeur. I felt like I had a eureka moment, but I recognize now I was a little carried away.

BIPOLAR DISORDER AND MEMORY

Individuals suffering from bipolar disorder experience three distinct states of mood. The states in which the disorder got it’s name are the two extreme emotional states, these are depression and mania. However, while often bouncing between these two mood extremes, a person is often in a neutral state where there mood is neither depressed or in a state of mania.
In these separate and distinct mood states, the neurological climate of the brain are in contrast. While an individual in a depressive episode may have a complete lack of dopamine reaching neural receptors, thus preventing enjoyment of pleasurable activities, a manic episode induces a constant state of euphoria, much like an amphetamine high where dopamine floods the brain and is completely used up resulting in a crash (depression).
I myself have experiences both the euphoria of mania and the melancholy of depression and one thing has stood out; the inability to recall what it felt like at a time when things were different. What I mean by this is when i was in a severe depression I was unable to remember what it felt like to be happy, to have hope for the future. The same was true during a manic episode when my brain was so full of dopamine that all I could experience was joy, happiness, and an unrelenting feeling like I could be and do anything. The strangest truth of all is when I was in a neutral mood state those times of depression and mania seemed like they happened to someone else. So what causes this emotional amnesia? What caused me to be unable to recall what it was like to be in those other states of mood when stuck in another.
I believe the answer to this phenomenon lies in the link between memory and emotion. Just as the smell of your grandmas pie can instantly invoke a childhood memory, the feelings of melancholy can invoke memories of other times of your life that you experienced depression. Not only does it make those memories easier to access, much like how a smell instantly recalls a memory, but it can lock your brain into only being able to access those memories of feeling sad and hopeless. People suffering with bipolar disorder are unable to recall the memories of mood states that they are not currently experiencing, meaning when depressed all they remember is being depressed and hopeless, and when manic, they only recall feelings of euphoria and hope. This is emotional amnesia. The cause of bipolar disorder, is at it’s heart a memory deficiency.