[wildflowerchild25]

On Tuesday night I had an intense therapy session and left feeling a mixture of unsafe and determined to be safe. I had gone in there so tired and angry about being depressed. She likened chronic depression to chronic pain and reminded me that being angry wouldn't help the situation and would only make me suffer more. So she recommended I do some writing about acceptance and try to turn my mind toward accepting the depression. This actually made me feel even more hopeless because I was so tired of depression and I knew that it wasn't helping being angry. Anyway I left feeling like driving my car off the highway but determined to get home safely and live for my son. I went to bed early.

Then Wednesday when I woke up, suddenly everything didn't seem so black. I felt better. And I thought maybe it would just be a fluke, that I would go back to feeling like **** on Thursday but I didn't. I felt better then too. It's like my brain had a complete meltdown, turned itself inside out, and then settled back into where it's supposed to be. I got up on time three days this week. I took three showers between Monday and Friday. I cooked dinner twice. I even created new lesson plans today, something I haven't been able to do since November. And I finished all my grading and started on report card comments. I feel ok! Finally!

I still feel fragile, like I've been through something horrible and need to treat myself gently for awhile. But thankfully I don't feel hypomanic at all. I mean I'd love some hypo but it's nice just to feel functional again.

Of course my grief has intensified since I don't have depression masking it. I got very sad when I went out to dinner today and saw all the older couples out. Knowing that I'll never have that now, at least not with the love of my life. But it's manageable.

I don't know how long I have to feel good, but I'm going to ride it out while I can. Thanks for everyone's support the last six weeks! You all were a big help. Just having somewhere to go was a big help!!