[Wanderlust90]

I know I've expressed this on several other occasions but it's stuck in my mind, I can't let go, I know they are just labels but I want the RIGHT label & the RIGHT dx so I can get the RIGHT treatment.

I think I've come up with a good explanation of how I have been feeling. It's a cross between agitated & atypical depression, sometimes more agitated (irritability, anxiety, psychomotor agitation, self harm & suicidal thoughts), sometimes more atypical (mainly low, apathetic & anhedonic but still reactive in mood in the presence of a positive stimulus, hypersomnia, leaden paralysis), mostly all atypical characteristics except weight gain.

Anyone else see themselves like this? I'm questioning bipolar, depression, yes definatly, anxiety, yes definatly, but why do I seem to have a mix of agitated & also melancholic depressive states depending on the day? What's all the other stuff? The periodic bursts of unstable energy & desire to lose control, the periods of happiness that never last & involve at lot of undirected energy & enthusiasm. Why did I have an auditory hallucination? What's with the unstable sleep, sometimes 12 hours, sometimes 5? Is this really bipolar? Or am I treating the normal human condition as an illness?

I constantly question if I actually have BPD traits superimposed on a depressive/anxious illness & that's why it's all so confusing & unstable. Sorry to those who are probably bored of me asking the same questions.

[Victoria'smom]

Anyone else see themselves like this? Yes, I'm always asking why is it BP and not BPD. I don't know the difference between aggravated depression and mixed episode. I don't see one. I'm sure I get depressed but hypo-manic I don't see it. It's not an illness unless it affects you're life or the lives around you negatively. What has your pdoc or t said about bpd vs. bp vs. just human?

[BlueInanna]

I can very relate. Yes, some is just the human condition. Your soul's journey imo. Maybe empathic (such a catch phrase lately everybody is an empath this and that). You feel so deeply, so get melancholic, depressed, sometimes happy & wanting to really feel life and fun and free. This to me is being human. But some of us get to the point we need help, seek help for depression or the mind not stopping. Then it becomes an illness that needs caring for. What my doctor explained to me, in my case, maybe others I'm not sure - the big hallmark for bipolar is the periods of less need for sleep.
It's hard for me to understand how every human is not experiencing it in this world. But they're not all experiencing it this way. Many function just fine in confines of society. Then again many more won't ever get dx because of many reasons...
Regarding auditory hallucinations, I just asked my doctor this last month. I was afraid to tell her though i've had them here & there for some time. And the paranoia I get... she said it is expected during hypo/mania. It's part of a busy mind, she said. If you're getting them overwhelmingly often, it could be something else of course. But you sound like you only had one or they are mild(?)

[Wanderlust90]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Anyone else see themselves like this? Yes, I'm always asking why is it BP and not BPD. I don't know the difference between aggravated depression and mixed episode. I don't see one. I'm sure I get depressed but hypo-manic I don't see it. It's not an illness unless it affects you're life or the lives around you negatively. What has your pdoc or t said about bpd vs. bp vs. just human?

Thanks for your reply, sorry to hear you have been suffering the same.

I can't see the difference between agitated depression & a mixed episode either except maybe more pure hypomania/mania symptoms when mixed (grandiosity, lack of need for sleep), where agitated depression is more depression with psychomotor agitation?

Most of them (T, 2 mental health nurses & my original pdoc) say bipolar. My new pdoc says mixed depression & anxiety. No one has ever mentioned BPD, that's just me because I have some bipolar like symptoms but the same ones that BPD shares, the mood episodes are more like BPD or ultra rapid cycling. I've seen some originally dx BP2 only to be changed to BPD after extended treatment.

[Wanderlust90]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I can very relate. Yes, some is just the human condition. Your soul's journey imo. Maybe empathic (such a catch phrase lately everybody is an empath this and that). You feel so deeply, so get melancholic, depressed, sometimes happy & wanting to really feel life and fun and free. This to me is being human. But some of us get to the point we need help, seek help for depression or the mind not stopping. Then it becomes an illness that needs caring for. What my doctor explained to me, in my case, maybe others I'm not sure - the big hallmark for bipolar is the periods of less need for sleep.
It's hard for me to understand how every human is not experiencing it in this world. But they're not all experiencing it this way. Many function just fine in confines of society. Then again many more won't ever get dx because of many reasons...
Regarding auditory hallucinations, I just asked my doctor this last month. I was afraid to tell her though i've had them here & there for some time. And the paranoia I get... she said it is expected during hypo/mania. It's part of a busy mind, she said. If you're getting them overwhelmingly often, it could be something else of course. But you sound like you only had one or they are mild(?)

I definatly have the less need for sleep thing, both when elevated & agitated, although when agitated I want sleep in order to shut up my head! I have only had one instance where I had an auditory hallucination & it was when I was very depressed but incredibly agitated & had self harmed & was only sleeping 3-4 hours a day. I had stopped taking my lithium a few days beforehand too.

I can relate to my experiences being somewhat out of the realm of the normal human experience, being suicidality & self harm behaviours, I'm not sure that I have ever really had an episode of positive elevation or euphoria that I considered to be in need of treatment. I have been reckless but that's a part of me, not an illness. I feel like I kid or a teenager again & life seems beautiful & exciting. Bad decisions maybe but decisions I feel have made my life that much more fulfilled.

[jules77]

i understand a lot of what you're saying. BPD and Bipolar "symptoms" or "traits can overlap. I've found this out from docs and also my own experience. i also wonder if they really got it right, if the treatment i'm doing currently is actually the correct one(s). impulsivity, chronic suicidality, self harm tendencies and unstable relationships are in both categories. it is frustrating. good luck.

[B2008]

I still don't quite understand all this but I can tell u the more stress and anxiety the more visual and audible hallucinations. Audible is usually a thick mass of music. I can feel and hear it like gooey notes in my ears.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!