[kkrrhh]

Hi! So I'm struggling a lot lately again with the whole am I bipolar or not, and is it bipolar or just a mix of depression and anxiety? thing.

I see a possible trend of longer term ups and downs spread over months, though I rarely get highs and never go very high. But a problem I've also always had is ups and downs throughout the day. Especially when I'm in an odd spell right now. I'll finally just feel mostly fine and more positive for a bit and feel relieved, then I can fall back into this lower "everything's doomed" unhappy depressive state, or feel more numb, or sad, or just get in a bad mood, and it can switch around throughout the day. I can't tell whether it's just that I'm depressed and I'm fighting to raise my mood high and it's just not easy to keep it that way with the depression, or something maybe bipolar related actually making things go up and down. It's crazy how much my thoughts and perspective of the world and things can change multiple times in one day. Can some sorta ultra rapid cycling that happens in short spans like a day exist sometimes, while there's also a longer term cycling going on?

Or does bipolar maybe just go along with increased mood swings sometimes? I'm also curious whether my emotional sensitivity is related to bipolar and something others with bipolar experience a lot, or if it's just me and/or depression.
I've been on a lower dose of Lamictal lately, and I keep thinking and feeling like I'm able to feel more "real" emotions lately. It's hard to say though, because I'm naturally a pretty emotional person, but depression (despite causing numbness) can also make me overly emotional, too. So I don't know how much I can even attribute to the Lamictal change, and whether or not it's actually a good and healthy thing.
I don't want to be too numb and disconnected from my true emotions and the "real" me, and less passionate about things my emotions drive me in. At the same time, while being a pretty emotional person is part of me and I don't want to lose that totally, it can get to a point where it's just too painful and tiring and I can't function well while feeling so much. It's confusing, because I don't know how much emotion I'm "supposed" to feel normally. Lamictal definitely helps smooth things out and I remember thinking before that it must be how normal people feel, and this is how they actually live without getting worn out emotionally. I just worry it takes too much emotion away, and I don't know whether that's true or just because I'd always been used to feeling too much. I don't want to be unrealistic and just denying myself medication that helps and that I need. I know sometimes people feel like meds make them lose a bit of themselves, and in some cases it's just a sacrifice that has to be made to be stable and function. But I also don't want to keep fearing lowering the Lamictal just because feeling emotion is "scary" and it's just such an easier choice right now to choose immediate comfort and feel less emotion, then regret it later. I'm so worried about that, but I'm also worried about sabotaging myself/destabilizing myself/undoing progress I've made, if I really do just need a high dose.

Does anyone relate to this or have any advice?

[It's Not Important]

Can some sorta ultra rapid cycling that happens in short spans like a day exist sometimes, while there's also a longer term cycling going on?

Yes. That's similar to what I have. Very rapid-cycling, where (if I don't take anything), my moods can shift wildly from minute to minute.

Same goes for "never going too high." A lot of us never go into full-blown manic episodes.

However, I can't speak regarding Lamictal, though.

[pirilin]

I can talk about the Lamictal. Be very careful to stick with the brand of Lamictal or
Lamotrigine that you started with and is working.
I changed pharmacies and they carry a different brand from the one I was used to.
I went into a deep depression, to this day, and I'm sure that has something to do with it.

[Wanderlust90]

I relate to all of this. It's so hard to know what's going on.

Atypical depression has features of interpersonal sensitivity & mood reactivity. & borderline PD has similar, interpersonal sensitivity & mood instability that is very rapid & frequently changing but also has other symptoms. Then there's lots of anecdotal stories of this kind of mood instability in bipolar, I think it's called ultradian where mood changes over the day, then there's ultra rapid cycling which is more like days to weeks, then there's just rapid cycling which is 4 or more episodes in a year. Not sure that it's an actual classifier though.