[SpasticBliss]

When I had my first and only (thank God) full blown manic episode 15 years ago, I was given the option of going on disability and living in my mother's attic. At 30 years old.

So, I said hell no to disability, I spent 6 months on unemployment searching all day every day for a job. I needed something healthy. I found it. I found my dream job.

15 years later, the dream job is a nightmare. I've turned into a workaholic, my responsibilities have increased to the point where I'm overwhelmed to the point it causes a lot of stress-induced paranoia, I'm burned out and I'm losing interest in every aspect of the job, and now it's making me sick. I'm just mentally exhausted all the time. Even Aderrall doesn't really help. It barely keeps me focused and alert enough to get through the 8 hour day. When I first started the job I was on 2 meds, now I'm on 5.

Well, I've found a way out. I'm just waiting for the go-ahead from HR to pack up and move to another department. The key word here is "waiting."

I'm sitting there now trying to focus on work and this process is running in the background of my mind all day, "This isn't going to work out, something's going to go wrong, someone's going to sabotage all of this, this is just some horrible trick being played on my mind..."

Then I rewind 15 years ago: I'll lose everything I have and I'll end up on disability in my mother's attic at 45 years old instead of 30.

As I said in my last post, I can never believe anything good is going to happen. When things are going well or looking hopeful, my famous last words are, "Great, now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop."

I start out so optimistic, then I lose focus, I lose faith, I get depressed right in the middle of something good, convinced it will never work out. So, I work even harder at a job that's killing me.

[cincidak]

I know exactly how you feel. I've been stable now for the last four and a half months. I'm not used to being stable. In fact I've never been stable. My first thought when I realized I felt so much better was overwhelming relief. Then of course some anxiety slipped in and I to thought "when is the other shoe going to drop?" Or when am I going to self sabotage. It's getting better, and I'm believing that I'm okay more and more. I hope they switch you to the new department very soon, and I hope your stress is greatly reduced. If not , do you take now, or have you considered taking an antipsychotic? What about a mood stabilizer?

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[Skeezyks]

Hello SpasticBliss: The Skeezyks would simply like to send some healing thoughts your way with the hope that all will be well...

[SpasticBliss]

Originally Posted by cincidak

I know exactly how you feel. I've been stable now for the last four and a half months. I'm not used to being stable. In fact I've never been stable. My first thought when I realized I felt so much better was overwhelming relief. Then of course some anxiety slipped in and I to thought "when is the other shoe going to drop?" Or when am I going to self sabotage. It's getting better, and I'm believing that I'm okay more and more. I hope they switch you to the new department very soon, and I hope your stress is greatly reduced. If not , do you take now, or have you considered taking an antipsychotic? What about a mood stabilizer?

I'm pretty stable myself these days, which is kind of why all this is happening. I'll do anything to protect that!

So, I'm stable and I'm standing up for myself. Very new and scary. So, I can relate. When will this all turn out to be a big mistake and just fall apart?? Especially standing up for myself, having some self-confidence. People do not like that!

And yes, I take an antipsychotic at night. It helps with the paranoia, but I can't take it during the day, antipsychotics knock me on my ***. The effects last into the day though. I'm on a very very good combination of meds right now.

[cincidak]

Good. I'm glad you are stable. I hope your stress level goes way down soon.

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[MusicLover82]

What about working part-time? Would that be feasible? Best wishes!!