[Wander]

Sorry I have been complaining so much in my posts. Just really unwell and can't see past the pain right now.

[SvanThor]

There is no reason to apologize for being in any sort of pain. There are many people here who can see past the bitterness and can help you. My name is Svan. Let me know if you ever need someone to confide in.

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[Coconutzo]

We've all been there. Also, we are all here to support you through whatever state

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[Unrigged64072835]

You don't need to apologize. It helps to discuss the pain, as many of us have gone through it as well.

Don't worry about it. We're here to help.

[Wander]

Thanks everyone! It just hurts so damn much. I am on a holiday with my parents(I'm 40) and am surrounded by beauty and things to do but feel dead inside, cry and am suicidal. Thought this holiday would lift my mood, well hoped. Now I don't know what I'm going to do when I get home in 36 hours. All hope will be lost. The agitation is awful too. Think I'm still in a mixed state.

Can you go back into the hospital? So sorry you're struggling so much. I went on a vacation once and couldn't sleep. It was before my diagnosis. It was hard, I was taking 25 mgs of seroquel for sleep and it just made me groggy. It sucked. But I wasn't suicidal or anything. I think you should think about going back to hospital.

The good thing about this forum/board is we can be honest about how we feel. I'm sorry you are struggling so bad right now. I hope you find some peace soon. (((Hugs)))

[Wander]

Originally Posted by rose1985

Can you go back into the hospital? So sorry you're struggling so much. I went on a vacation once and couldn't sleep. It was before my diagnosis. It was hard, I was taking 25 mgs of seroquel for sleep and it just made me groggy. It sucked. But I wasn't suicidal or anything. I think you should think about going back to hospital.

I think you are right but I feel like such a failure as I was in hospital only 10 days ago. Feel beyond help now. It's ok I'm safe for the minute. My Mum is watching me like a Hawke.

Originally Posted by Wander

I think you are right but I feel like such a failure as I was in hospital only 10 days ago. Feel beyond help now. It's ok I'm safe for the minute. My Mum is watching me like a Hawke.

But that's what it's there for. I would see about going back.

[cincidak]

Originally Posted by Wander

I think you are right but I feel like such a failure as I was in hospital only 10 days ago. Feel beyond help now. It's ok I'm safe for the minute. My Mum is watching me like a Hawke.

You are not a failure at all. You have a chronic illness. No different than having diabetes, except we have more stigma attached. Because of our illnesses we have certain limitations at times. Seriously consider going inpatient when you get home so they can stabilize your mood. If it were not for the chemical imbalances in your body you would feel just fine. I know what it's like to feel hopeless. Been there many times. It does end. I hope you feel well soon and are happy again. Blessings

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[JustJace2u]

Why are you apologizing? This is an open forum that allows us to vent whenever we need to, as long as it isn't harming others in any way.

[~Christina]

Awwww Wander

You need not apologize .. Yes indeed you have had a really hard time lately. Better to get the feelings out and PC is the perfect place to do so.

Im glad your Mom is watching over you closely I know that is hard but soon things will settle down,, The only consistant thing Bipolar does is Cycle it always cycles.

Go easy on yourself

[Wander]

Thanks so much everyone for your support. It really does help. Thinking of calling my hospital on Monday once I'm back from Sydney. Don't want to bit may need to. SI is very bad.

[hopeless2015]

Big HUGS!!

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[MusicLover82]

Originally Posted by Wander

I think you are right but I feel like such a failure as I was in hospital only 10 days ago. Feel beyond help now. It's ok I'm safe for the minute. My Mum is watching me like a Hawke.

YOU, my dear, are NOT a failure. The treatment the docs have been trying on you may not have worked yet, but it's a work in progress. Go back to the hospital when you get home and let the doctors straighten everything out. Every failed attempt at properly medicating you gives them more guidance as to what doesn't work and now what to try next. I know it's REALLY hard feeling like a science experiment, but that's how treating MI goes: trial and error. Don't tell yourself you are a failure or your treatment is a failure. Every step you take with your doctors is a step forward. They will figure it out. And you WILL get better. HUGS!!!!

[Wander]

Flying home in 20 hours. Can't wait to go home but not looking forward to the 5 hour flight. So agitated, being trapped in a big tin can sends me wild. Trying to find joy in my last night. My parents have been so understanding. I have been so inpatient and low. No joy yet. Sydney is an amazing city I just cannot enjoy it. Hate bipolar so much right now and hate myself. Feel so fat, ugly and unwantable.

[Wander]

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!

Not sure how to do trigger warnings properly sorry!!!

Possible trigger:

Planning my death now for when I return from my trip.

Scared! Overwhelmed. My parents are my reason to live so I think I will tell my Mum how I feel when we get back. I'm guessing they will take me to hospital, like scary hospital not lovely private one I'm used to as it is not locked. Can't believe I feel this bad...and on a holiday.

[Yoda]

Don't wait until you get back. Tell your mom how you feel now. Will she support you going inpt again? Sounds like you need it to get stabilized.

[MusicLover82]

Originally Posted by Wander

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!

Not sure how to do trigger warnings properly sorry!!!

Possible trigger:

Planning my death now for when I return from my trip.

Scared! Overwhelmed. My parents are my reason to live so I think I will tell my Mum how I feel when we get back. I'm guessing they will take me to hospital, like scary hospital not lovely private one I'm used to as it is not locked. Can't believe I feel this bad...and on a holiday.

TRIGGER WARNING!!!

Yes, telling people if you are suicidal is ALWAYS the right thing to do. Your life is too precious, and bipolar can be stabilized with proper care. You will get better! Just keep insisting on more care and be honest with the doctors. If you start making a plan while you are in Sydney, by all means, go to a hospital in Sydney. I would tell my parents NOW that I am having these thoughts so they can keep an eye on you.

Vacations always worsen my mood and anxiety because they are a stress on your body and mind. You may feel a sense of relief upon returning, but you still need to be hospitalized.

I'm thinking of you and sending good vibes. Please tell your parents and get yourself to a hospital ASAP or sooner than you get home if you are at risk of harming yourself. HUGS!!! You are precious and loved and things will get better for you with proper medical
care.


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If you are doing that badly, please don't wait to get back home to speak up. Tell them now. You're in my thoughts, Wander. Stay safe!

[Wander]

Thanks again for all the support. I fly out in 6 hours and can stay safe until then. The flight will require lots of meds being trapped and all. I will tell my parents the full deal then. I have already told my Mum enough for her wanting me in hospital so that is where I'm going. I'm lucky to have their love and support or I would not be here. Just hope my doctor can help me. I'm out of hope really. I need someone to help me as I have done all I can. I know I need hospital asap now. Will try get in as soon as I can.

[MusicLover82]

Originally Posted by Wander

Thanks again for all the support. I fly out in 6 hours and can stay safe until then. The flight will require lots of meds being trapped and all. I will tell my parents the full deal then. I have already told my Mum enough for her wanting me in hospital so that is where I'm going. I'm lucky to have their love and support or I would not be here. Just hope my doctor can help me. I'm out of hope really. I need someone to help me as I have done all I can. I know I need hospital asap now. Will try get in as soon as I can.

There is always hope! Sometimes it takes the doctors longer to find the right med combo. Hang in there until you can get to the hospital!! ((HUGS))

One day in the near future, you will be feeling stable and look back on this and be proud of yourself for being so strong.

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[cincidak]

Glad you are going. I hope they are able to stabilize you quickly so you get to feeling better

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[Wander]

1.5 hours till my flight takes off. Hanging in there. Worried about my flight with being trapped for 5 hours. Trying to book into hospital first thing tomorrow. Made the call, waiting for the red tape to be cut. My ex-husband is in the hospital so they are trying to work out protocol even though either of us don't care as we get along. Frightened and overwhelmed.