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Old Mar 18, 2016, 06:00 AM
Icare dixit's Avatar
Icare dixit Icare dixit is offline
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Dear all,

I am so very sorry that I might've offended anyone by my ranting so viciously yesterday. I was very dismissive.

I don't know what exactly happened honestly.

Or I am actually afraid I do: what has been kept under the rug for many, many years, is now given way due to an absence of instability. I haven't been used to needing any help self-sabotaging during unstable times. Now my bad character takes the role of saboteur and sometimes centre stage.

Really, such vicious anger is something from way back (except for during mania, but even then it is not (so) vicious) and scary. Many self-sabotaging incidents, already.

I still think it is preferable to many worse/actual psychotic problems and helps contain those.

I know what triggered it: a strong idea about self-affirmation and self-assertion, building confidence, by slandering or belittling, mostly because of uncertainty about oneself: one's acceptance and one's virtues.

I am particularly strongly triggered by this kind of behaviour when one is part of a minority and disadvantaged group of people. We can't afford people distancing themselves from others. Stigma will grow further if groups are divided more. Kicking someone who is already down is just horrible and almost unforgivable, in my book.

In general (which says nothing about most of you), I believe people have more national pride and quasi-confidence about their country if they are less established, time-wise or culturally: much analogous to the behaviour on a personal level. That's why I so viciously and without any nuance attacked those living in the US.

I was overtaken by fury. I will do some real soul-searching to find out how I can become not only stable, but also more balanced.

I don't think it has anything to do with being in a BP episode (I still can't see how I could be). Or being drunk.

Regardless, I take full responsibility for my actions.

I just snapped and did you all a great injustice.

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and leave this behind us (maybe you think: what did you do exactly?). It was pretty inexcusable, the way I acted.

See it as a sign of your worth and my love that I (tried to) make myself intolerable.

Edit:
It might be turning into something somewhat manic, sometimes dysphoric. Thanks to everyone that—with empathy and respectfully—said in might be.
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Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide.
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me.

Last edited by Icare dixit; Mar 18, 2016 at 06:20 AM.
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  #2  
Old Mar 18, 2016, 07:04 AM
Icare dixit's Avatar
Icare dixit Icare dixit is offline
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I really am an embarrassing fool.

Just keep that in mind when I write something: inconsequential daftness by a real fool. Let it not get to you. Most of you might already have figured that out, of course.
__________________
Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide.
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me.
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  #3  
Old Mar 18, 2016, 08:50 AM
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I wasn't aware of your rant but you belong to a understanding knowing community.
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Bipolar 1
Day Vraylar 3 mg. Wellbutrin 150
Night meds Temazepam 30 mg or lorazepam
Hasn't helped yet.
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  #4  
Old Mar 18, 2016, 08:58 AM
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Although I'm not sure what posting you're talking about, but you have my compassion, as someone from the U.S.
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dx: bipolar II

wellbutrin
citalopram
lamotrigine
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  #5  
Old Mar 18, 2016, 09:00 AM
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I don't have any idea about your rant but it's all good.
You have friends here.
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A pirate flag and an island girl
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  #6  
Old Mar 18, 2016, 04:34 PM
Anonymous37780
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(((hugs)))
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  #7  
Old Mar 18, 2016, 04:45 PM
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, ... Tigger .
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  #8  
Old Mar 18, 2016, 04:59 PM
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I didn't notice anything inappropriate.
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  #9  
Old Mar 18, 2016, 05:55 PM
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Icare dixit Icare dixit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by venusss View Post
I didn't notice anything inappropriate.
I tend to mask my inappropriate words by massive walls of text, that's why.

It does it's work almost on a subconscious level, but is vile.

I have to admit I am still kinda proud about my the amount of restraint.

Thanks for not banishing me: I'd miss of you too much! This is just where it's at, you know.

It was just anger. Reactive, toxic. BP-wise I still feel the same as before, so here's for hoping this mania will last a lifetime.
__________________
Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide.
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me.
Hugs from:
Takeshi
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