I felt so happy to come to terms with my weight when i read about self-acceptance but now i am at wits end with my weight since i overate so badly i gave myself a painful stomach ache for many hours.

This happens with money too. I'm thrifty and build up my savings then i'm indulgent and just want to take a big bite out of life by buying things til my heart's content.

This happens with exercise too. I'm training for a marathon or i'm a couch potato.

Either i adore my dog or i am trying to give her away.

This happens with activities too. Sometimes i so dislike karaoke i skip my support group on days when we do it but today i was so into it i ran it, i was DJ.

I'm like this with church too. I either go three times a week or i'm an atheist.

I feel like i can't trust myself. I isolate because i can't talk about myself because what is true about myself one day may be the opposite the next. How can anyone know me when i don't know myself? I am like a slippery bar of soap you just can't get a grip on.

How am i supposed to get ahead in life, or work on personal growth when i can't depend on myself? Should i just accept it and build an identity on my instability? What kind of a thing is 'instability' to identify with? I've heard the joke: if you don't like my mood, wait five minutes and it will change. But this is no laughing matter.

I feel like such a hypocrite. I feel so mixed-up all the time. Anyone relate?

I guess to look on the bright side, when you take me on, you get two-in-one. It's just that they're at war with each other.

[gina_re]

You're not alone, I'm sitting here eating candy instead of getting ready for bed. My rule is no electronics and no food after nine. So I break the rule every once in a while..
My exercise is lifting the remote and changing the channels on days that I don't have to go into the office. You have a fellow couch potato in the struggle with you my friend. I joined a gym in early November, I stopped going by the end of the month. I was extremely lucky that they let me out of my contract.
When I lived in my studio apartment, my cat drove me so crazy that I started looking up shelters to take her to. At the end of the day it was because the space was so small that she got on my nerves. I'm so glad I didn't, but she can still be a pain sometimes.
There are times when I'm super into practicing my Buddhist faith by studying and going to all events. Then there are months in between before I rejoin in group activities.
I'll make plans to be social with friends only to cancel as the day approaches. They stopped asking..
Life can be overwhelming and can maybe cause us isolate out of shame. I think I posted this in the check in thread....I would rather be alone, but I'm sad because I am alone. It's like the "I eat because I'm sad and I'm sad because I eat" catch 22 situations.
Please don't give up on yourself. Living with instability can be a b**** but I feel like I learn more about myself with all the crazy issues I have. But your instability is not your identity. People always ask me what are my hobbies....there is not one hobby that I can say I love to do. I watch tv when I don't have anything to do, which is often. But outside of laying on the couch all weekend I enjoy reading and journaling when the mood strikes me. Are there any particular interests or curiosities you have? Maybe you can explore those. Before I went back to school, psychology was interesting to me based on personal experiences and I started reading up on that subject. I also hate cleaning. But I find that when I throw some music on, it really isn't all that bad and it keeps me moving around instead of laying around. I will also try and do some yard work since both the front and back yards are hideous. I'm being cheap because I know I can do it, but at the same time I'd rather pay someone else to do it.
I'm not sure if any of this is helpful or makes sense, but I just want to let you know that you shouldn't beat yourself up. One of my favorite sayings is "winter always turns into spring" meaning as diffcult as life is and as bleak as you think your future may be, spring will come and new life is born. It gets better so please stay patient with yourself. Try not to focus on the negatives and think about some of the positives. In PHP they had us write lists of what we're grateful for. Start small with one good thing that youre grateful for. Even if it is as simple as I saved 15% or more by switching to Geico! But seriously I hope you are able to get some perspective from the little things.
OK I've rambled on long enough, hopefully it made sense. My thoughts seem to be a little disorganized these days. Please be kind to yourself and take care.

Send me a pm if you ever need someone to vent to..

[gina_re]

Goodness that was longer than I thought!! Sit back, relax, and read that book when you have the time!

Hi Gina,

Your post is keeping me good company! It's good to know i'm not the only one struggling with these issues.

I actually do have a hobby -- and a serious one at that. I play competitive Scrabble. I've been playing for 15 years. There's a club in town and we get together once a week. I won the trophy for top player in my division last season -- the first time i've ever won it! I'm having a display case built over my bed for it! Not!

But even with Scrabble i have the problem with instability. I'll go on a kick where i'll be really into it and do such an uber nerdy thing as studying lists of obscure words for several hours in the afternoon and then play online for several hours in the evening and count the days til club night. I put so much time into it it's almost like a job. Then i'll go thru periods where i could care less and don't go to club for a year or more, don't play online and certainly don't study.

I'd be so much further ahead if only i could be consistent! But, it's a hobby, so i just go at my own pace. I feel sad that i'll never be an elite player, because i certainly have the brains, but there's just all this other borderline and bipolar nonsense in the way and i'll have to be happy being in the junior ranks.

Anyways, just wanted to share my passion! On-again-off-again tho it is.

I relate, yes. But as for a advise, all I can say is, keep your dog. I'm an atheist who plans to join the Mormon church soon. Real Mormons have a light in their eyes. Might be a cult but I don't care. Have you considered Mormonism (she says with her white shirt, black tie and bicycle?)

[exasper8ed]

Originally Posted by apfei

I felt so happy to come to terms with my weight when i read about self-acceptance but now i am at wits end with my weight since i overate so badly i gave myself a painful stomach ache for many hours.

This happens with money too. I'm thrifty and build up my savings then i'm indulgent and just want to take a big bite out of life by buying things til my heart's content.

This happens with exercise too. I'm training for a marathon or i'm a couch potato.

Either i adore my dog or i am trying to give her away.

This happens with activities too. Sometimes i so dislike karaoke i skip my support group on days when we do it but today i was so into it i ran it, i was DJ.

I'm like this with church too. I either go three times a week or i'm an atheist.

I feel like i can't trust myself. I isolate because i can't talk about myself because what is true about myself one day may be the opposite the next. How can anyone know me when i don't know myself? I am like a slippery bar of soap you just can't get a grip on.

How am i supposed to get ahead in life, or work on personal growth when i can't depend on myself? Should i just accept it and build an identity on my instability? What kind of a thing is 'instability' to identify with? I've heard the joke: if you don't like my mood, wait five minutes and it will change. But this is no laughing matter.

I feel like such a hypocrite. I feel so mixed-up all the time. Anyone relate?

I guess to look on the bright side, when you take me on, you get two-in-one. It's just that they're at war with each other.

I have often said to my officemates that there is a huge business idea in your post. And here it is: maintain a home which teaches functional adults such as you and me the habits required to prevent the binges that you describe. We charge a modest fee and we monitor (babysit) people like you and me, grooming/forcing them to adhere to common sense simple habits which we all know are good for us i.e. eating breakfast, snacking sensibly, et cetera. What do you think?

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by apfei

Hi Gina,

Your post is keeping me good company! It's good to know i'm not the only one struggling with these issues.

I actually do have a hobby -- and a serious one at that. I play competitive Scrabble. I've been playing for 15 years. There's a club in town and we get together once a week. I won the trophy for top player in my division last season -- the first time i've ever won it! I'm having a display case built over my bed for it! Not!

But even with Scrabble i have the problem with instability. I'll go on a kick where i'll be really into it and do such an uber nerdy thing as studying lists of obscure words for several hours in the afternoon and then play online for several hours in the evening and count the days til club night. I put so much time into it it's almost like a job. Then i'll go thru periods where i could care less and don't go to club for a year or more, don't play online and certainly don't study.

I'd be so much further ahead if only i could be consistent! But, it's a hobby, so i just go at my own pace. I feel sad that i'll never be an elite player, because i certainly have the brains, but there's just all this other borderline and bipolar nonsense in the way and i'll have to be happy being in the junior ranks.

Anyways, just wanted to share my passion! On-again-off-again tho it is.

Wow! Competitive Scrabble...I had no clue that existed. It sounds pretty intense!
Well I'm glad my post helped, despite the length. I just wanted you to know that we all experience those setbacks in life and it's so easy to be so hard on yourself for not being good enough. I currently don't want anyone to see my sink full of dishes. How long have they been there? Who knows, I tend to eat out a lot and eat frozen pizzas. Which emphasizes me eating more junk food. All from not washing those stupid dishes. Whoa...I just came to that conclusion from writing this! Ha!
Anyway, I understand the struggle, but sometimes it takes time to change behaviors and habits to help us. The hardest part is the waiting. Take care of yourself. We're here for support!