[SpasticBliss]

Now, this is weird. I have been stable for a long time now, but outside influences are making me question my sanity. So, in an attempt to straighten up, I quit drinking a month ago or so (just lost my taste for it and I started to hate that "buzzed" feeling), I quit smoking cigarettes a week ago today, yesterday was my birthday and no one remembered, and I'm now officially middle aged, so I spent the day pondering... 40-some years ago I was a brand new baby. No mess, no self-destructive behaviour, no guilt.

Now I'm trying to quit a 25 year smoking habit (everyone in my family dies of cancer, but that didn't stop me). I tried to start a cleanse yesterday which started with a fast (on my birthday?), I'm not craving cigarettes but I know that's having an effect on me (physical addiction). Oh, and I got to spend the whole day yesterday thinking about today's appointment with a specialist. I'm not scared, I'm just numb. But I took the day off work. The sum total of all this... my first depression in a long time. I'm prone to mania, but rarely get depressed.

During a recent check up they found something. Well, then they said they thought they found something, but they think they were wrong, but now they have me coming back for all these follow ups.

All this after moving 4 times in 1 year and watching my whole life turn upside down after I got involved with a sociopath. It's been overlapping weird **** ever since then.

I'm not delusional when I tell you this... My friend came over as a favor and did a Buddhist cleansing of my new apartment (first time I've lived alone after one hell of a year) and it hasn't felt the same since. I kept worrying she would drive out the good spirits. She believes in stuff like that and she's not delusional or bipolar. Anyway, the apartment felt so good, I kept thinking it had good spirits. That was my first thought. Now, since the cleansing, it just feels empty.

Then that got me thinking. Just because I'm diagnosed bipolar, if I try to talk about God or spirits or religious (I have sort of my own mix of Catholicism and Agnosticism) or anything sexual or anything "spontaneous," I get looks from my therapist and she declares me manic, delusional, in a dangerous place.

But my psychiatrist sits and listens and I say look, other people have sex and go shopping and talk about God and they aren't manic or bipolar or delusional! He agrees. She doesn't. That's exactly what someone with Bipolar Disorder needs, two professionals with two different takes on my mental health.

I don't feel manic or mixed, but I think this is the kind of stuff that triggers the cycle, depression then mania. I've been so stable for a long time now, months, longest ever! It's all just getting to me. I'm really depressed. I need to clean my new apartment, but I'm just going to sit here and wait for my doctor's appointment. Just depressing. What have I become?

[BastetsMuse]

Originally Posted by SpasticBliss

I'm not delusional when I tell you this... My friend came over as a favor and did a Buddhist cleansing of my new apartment (first time I've lived alone after one hell of a year) and it hasn't felt the same since. I kept worrying she would drive out the good spirits. She believes in stuff like that and she's not delusional or bipolar. Anyway, the apartment felt so good, I kept thinking it had good spirits. That was my first thought. Now, since the cleansing, it just feels empty.

Fill your apartment with good things now and good spirits will fill it for you. Burn some incense. Play happy music. Stay away from the drugs and booze. You are in the process of becoming.

[SpasticBliss]

Originally Posted by BastetsMuse

Fill your apartment with good things now and good spirits will fill it for you. Burn some incense. Play happy music. Stay away from the drugs and booze. You are in the process of becoming.

Wow. Thank you so much!! That's exactly what I needed to hear. Most of my friends would say, "Birthdays suck, there's no such thing as spirits. Grow up and have a nice day."

Again, thank you. Seriously. I forget to do these things!

[zepchic]

Originally Posted by BastetsMuse

Fill your apartment with good things now and good spirits will fill it for you. Burn some incense. Play happy music. Stay away from the drugs and booze. You are in the process of becoming.

Yes, this..I was also going to say maybe you need to find a new therapist. I feel lucky in that mine believes some of the hippy-dippy stuff I do, so I don't get the look. But it could be hit or miss. Maybe think about how you phrase things when talking about spirit. It seems like you shouldn't HAVE to, but it might make things easier. Best of luck in your new place!

[Coconutzo]

I feel everything about this. Good luck friend.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SpasticBliss]

Thanks so much, seriously. You guys said things to me that none of my close friends or family would ever think to say. What an inspiration!

I went to the scary doc. My recent health scare was confirmed to be just that, only a scare. There was a period of time when a disease was showing present in my blood, a fatal disease. But then it just disappeared. So after a few months they did a follow up today and determined whatever it was that whatever was mimicking this disease just decided to go back from where it came.

So, on that note, after sitting here smoking in a big new apartment with 2 chairs, a TV, no curtains, a room full of empty boxes... with my good news above, I went to Target and got all the stuff ya gotta get when you move. Garbage can, curtains, dishes, a new pot for some weird soup I'm going to make.

Anyway, I digress. I'm burning incense, the curtains are hung nicely, I straightened up some. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.

Thanks again, really.

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by SpasticBliss

Thanks so much, seriously. You guys said things to me that none of my close friends or family would ever think to say. What an inspiration!

I went to the scary doc. My recent health scare was confirmed to be just that, only a scare. There was a period of time when a disease was showing present in my blood, a fatal disease. But then it just disappeared. So after a few months they did a follow up today and determined whatever it was that whatever was mimicking this disease just decided to go back from where it came.

So, on that note, after sitting here smoking in a big new apartment with 2 chairs, a TV, no curtains, a room full of empty boxes... with my good news above, I went to Target and got all the stuff ya gotta get when you move. Garbage can, curtains, dishes, a new pot for some weird soup I'm going to make.

Anyway, I digress. I'm burning incense, the curtains are hung nicely, I straightened up some. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.

Thanks again, really.

This is awesome! I'm really happy for you. Have fun decorating the new place. It's so much fun to shop for!!

[MusicLover82]

I stay mostly stable on my meds, but I experience what I call "mild depression." It will pass. Extra caffeine helps me pull out of my mild depression. And I like the spiritual stuff, too. Music especially uplifts me (I am a music teacher and a singer). I like to turn on loud music with loud bass and it feels very therapeutic!

[SpasticBliss]

Thank you so much for the reply. I take all of your advice to heart. I love coffee, but it makes me shakey and nervous. But staying spiritual and getting into music, that's what I do most all the time!

Send your friend over to my house to get rid of the alien interference please?

On a serious note, congrats on baby steps and the vanishing of your health concerns. I relate and know what a good feeling that is. (((Hugs))))