[stella_m]

Hello all, I think I posted at this forum once about a year ago but I'm ready to be a more active member. As a brief background, I've been diagnosed bipolar I since 2005. I've been taking Lamictal the entire time at around 200mg and have been fortunate that for the most part it's helped tremendously with keeping my moods relatively steady (save for the occasional hiccup after a dosage adjustment). But for the past 9 months or so things have been "off". I had a full on manic episode that lasted about a week this past October. This one really scared me because it was mainly psychosis symptoms that I hadn't experienced since before I was first diagnosed (seeing figures from the corner of my eye that I know aren't there, feeling like I'm being watched, etc). I'm almost certain it was triggered with the stress of my mom being diagnosed with breast cancer and the subsequent surgery, chemo, surgery from chemo complications, etc. Fortunately it was caught early and she is in remission, but there's always that lingering fear of it coming back. It didn't help that a few months later, cancer cells were discovered in my dad from his routine colonoscopy. Again, fortunately it was only in a small polyp and he was cleared after colon surgery. But it was still a lot to see my parents go through in such a short time frame of each other.

Since then I feel a lot like I'm walking on a tight rope, that I'm always at risk of losing balance. Before, my "pre-symptoms" of slipping into a mood were either mild hypomania or mild depression. At the very least you get that productive "high" with mild hypomania. But now it just goes straight to mild early psychosis symptoms, which is just rattling. My pdoc tells me that psychosis is just another form of mania that takes shape and has prescribed me risperidone to take as needed. But I want to know why now my bipolar symptoms act up to something that feels so, extreme. I asked my pdoc this but instead of going into further discussion, she just told me to take the risperidone.

I guess I'm just concerned because for the past 10 years I feel like - for the most part - I've had a pretty good handle on managing my bipolar. But for the past 9 months I feel like I'm potentially only a few steps away from another breakdown. And then I start questioning myself on a lot of things. Like wondering if I didn't get a lot of sleep because I was truly busy or because there was some underlying mania that was keeping me up. Or wondering if I got testy with so-and-so because there was a frustrating situation or if there was, again, underlying mania that made the situation feel more frustrating than need be. I just wish there was a way to sort out fact from fiction. From the outside, I'm a responsible young professional and the very few friends who know I have bipolar think of me as some walking success story of someone who "has it all together" despite this disease. I don't know how you go from that to confiding in someone, "Well, actually I get nervous because lately I've been warding off the thought that there's someone in my kitchen who keeps looking at me." I just wish I knew why this is happening, and how I can go back to when the symptoms weren't so close to the surface. Thanks for listening.

[Skeezyks]

Hello stella_m: Welcome (back) to PsychCentral! I'm sorry you are having this difficulty. Unfortunately I don't have any information or suggestions I can offer. But I saw that no one had yet replied to you post. So I thought I would.

Good luck getting the clarification you need. I know that prying information from one's psychiatrist can be a monumental task! I was put on Lamictal at one point. No one mentioned the possibility of Lamictal rash to me. Well... I got it. I called my pdoc's office when the rash developed, just thinking it might be med related. They told me it was probably nothing... don't worry about it.

When my rash kept getting worse, I went in to see my general practice doctor. He recognized it as possible Lamictal rash & got me in to see a dermatologist right away. She took me off the med. Fortunately I'd only been on it for a few weeks so going off cold-turkey wasn't a problem. Anyway, that's my Lamictal story...

I kinda understand. I went into a very scary psychosis in 2011 and haven't been completely the same. I haven't really gotten adequate explanations from pdocs or psych nurses. I just think after not eating or sleeping for 5 days and already being full blown manic for weeks my brain just couldn't handle it. And there was some trauma related stuff in there too.

Before that I functioned ok. I was only on an AD and a sleeping pill. But I was clearly bp, just didn't want to deal with the meds. I feel pretty stable now though just hate having to be on an ap. But every time I try and go off of them I get paranoid so...

But I can't fully answer your question about why you've went straight to paranoid thinking/psychosis. Wish I could. Take care of yourself.

[Nammu]

Stress can exacerbate BP. Don't know if that's what happened in your case but it sounds like it was stressful and worrying to go though all that with your mum.

[bizi]

I am not a pdoc nor a tdoc but I do take an anti psychotic daily to keep me stable. I think what you have experienced is called the kindling effect.
I take geodon 80mg twice daily. It is weight neutral so gaining weight should not be a problem. I do believe that I don't have any side effects. It just keeps me from going manic.
I have been taking it for years.

Stress is definitely a trigger for me.

bizi

BP1
200mg lamictal at night 100mg in daytime
80mg of geodon twice daily
.5mg of klonipin to sleep at night.