I want to systematicly destroy my life

I don't know what is wrong with me! I'm bored, want to hurt myself, want to drink, smoke and fight.

Boy, do I know that feeling!

Maybe imagine destruction and find some alternative ways of expression. Seek stimulation and distraction. Vent your frustration. Stay angry. Focus on your feelings.

From you last few posts about you and your husband, I think you BOTH need to get in touch with your doctors earlier than your scheduled appointment.

From another post, it sounds like your husband is going through a rough patch, too. Drinking, hurting self, smoking, fighting are ways to cope. I used to drink until I didn't. I got support from AA. Do you have a support group to go to and tell them about what's going on. I'm so sorry that you're hurting.

((((hugs)))) I get like that too. Also get to where I want to flip all the furniture in my house. Do you have a lot of energy?

When I'm like that, I've only found a couple things that work for me. One is running. The other is to try to focus my attention on things that require a ton of mental focus, such as puzzles.

I would really get in touch with your pdoc if you haven't already. Your husband's as well.

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I called Thursday for a sooner appointment and that's the appointment we got. I'll try again Monday but I think the best thing is to try to get into a therapist before then. I don't think I'm going manic but I know my thoughts are off. I told my husband and he wants me to remember my thoughts can't be trusted. I want to go home and clean. Right now we're at my sister in laws house. Miguel may stay here for now. He's going home with us. Hopefully my husband doesn't go to high and I get control of my thoughts. Last t said my thoughts will always fluctuate between being okay and off. I don't think I'm more energetic but my leg won't stop shaking.

I have to remind myself too, that my thoughts can't be trusted.

Please let Miguel stay at your SILs house.. That will give him a safe place and you will have time to get you and your husband help.

They didn't want him to stay He didn't want to stay either . They asked if we were doing okay and we lied because it's not bad yet. He's now only allowed to stay when he doesn't have school work. Last time he lied when he was there. I think I can quarantine my husband while taking care of my son. If things go south he'll go next weekend when he's finished the semester . I just have to ignore my desire to destroy things. Luckily I get my shot Wednesday. He drove okay. If things get to bad because he's getting worse I'll make him take a kolodipin. I'm not looking at compromising my health for him because I'm the one that ends up in the hospital.

Don't lie. Or before you know it, if things get worse, you may very well start to believe it.

But maintaining a feeling of angry is fine. Better to direct or express than to have anxiety change your impressions and beliefs.

Maybe watch some film with a lot of destruction. It could be a good substitute to some extent at least. Imagining destruction may also work. For inspiration you might look forread the posts in an old thread: Destruction.

I am constantly doing things to self sabotage my life. I think I know where you're coming from.

I'm sorry you are struggling and hurting so much. Please hang in there. I hope you can get to see your doc soon. (((Hugs)))