[Curiosity77]

**trigger warning ** sexual content



So for the past month or so my life has gotten very chaotic. My sleep is screwed up, I've dropped 5 lbs from just no appetite, and lots of yoga. Work has been productive, and I got assigned a massive project today, which looks exciting, but I'm already feeling kind of overwhelmed. I have had my bipolar diagnosis for years, but recently also ptsd, and flashbacks to some disturbing memories from age 13 and 14. I had totally pushed those thoughts out of my mind, but they are back now. My mood was really elevated for a few weeks, but now it's fluctuating between elevated, anxious, and irritable.

I have been having a lot of sex with a lot of people, which isn't my baseline. Like 6 people in 4 weeks. It's awesome in a way, but also a little scary because it seems to be amping up, and I don't know where i stand with any of them, or what i want. It's all kind of just happening. On the weekend i was with a couple who gave ms a drug i'd never tried, which i was scared to take, but did it anyway, and then did things with them that i would never normally do. It wore off, and i felt really weird, so got a cab straight home. They are textjng and i'm ignoring it. I'm trying out the concept of relationship anarchy. I'm single and in my 30s, so it's not harming anyone, except i hope i look back and see it as awesome and not with shame. So many culture messages about what a woman can do with her body, I don't want to buy into it. But also taking back my power over these flashbacks, because i'm in control now. I have a mdma therapy session for the first time friday, which is legit because there is a research exemption and the drug comes from an actual pharmacy and is dose controled. I'm excited, but also really anxious about it.

Idk, I'm doing this all on purpose, but kind of watching from a distance mentally, and it almost seems comical. Everything is so intense, vibrant, and visceral.

Anyways I don't know what I'm looking for posting here. I think just shouting out into a vacuum because it's late and I'm wide awake and really anxious. Also, I take full responsibility for all these actions and decisions. I'm not a victim. But i don't understand what's making me want to do this now.

[Victoria'smom]

I think it's mania. You have a tendency to do drugs when your manic if I remember right.

Are you sure you want to take MDMA when you are manic? That could be a recipe for disaster. My cousin (with bipolar) took MDMA when she was manic a few years ago and it tripped her into psychosis. No fun.

[raspberrytorte]

What's MDMA? Is that ecstasy?

Yeah, do you really need to do that? It sounds like everything for you is already vibrant, intense, and physically nice feeling (as in having sex with lots of people). My sister did that and ended up having a threesome with her two best friends (one a man, one a woman). Awkward the next day, needless to say.

Anyway, maybe try getting some sleep? I think you might feel better if you do.

Hugs. I hope you feel better soon.

[Curiosity77]

Thanks everyone.
I just slept a few hours, natural sleep, and took a zopiclone so i can stay asleep all night. I'm feeling better about everything that's happened/is happening. I had a good text conversation with the person i've been seeing the most, and we figured out how we feel and what we want in the relationship, so that's good. There are many side tangents here, including going to an event with a group of people who know various amounts of the story and is going to be complicated to sort out. But i haven't done anything wrong, so of people judge me that's really their problem. Everything has been honest and with full disclosure, so no one is cheating and everyone is fully consenting. So yeah, that feels better, but i'll see how the event actually goes. I won't bore you folks with the details right now.

My mdma session is tomorrow, and i hear what you folks are saying, but also feel this is something i need to do in order to face some things that have been psychologically torturing me since childhood. It is legal and in a safe and controlled setting. The therapist is aware of my bipolar diagnosis and other meds. It is not street ecstacy or molly, is it pure and from an actual pharmacy. So i have anxiety, because it's a big deal, but it's a safe as possible, and a rare opportunity to be in the study. I'm not technically a subject, but i've helped a lot with the process of phase 2 and i know everyone, and it's connected with the hospital i work for, so i'm getting a chance. I'm clearing my system as much as possible, no alcohol orc street drugsCand only Rx drugs, healthy food and the fasting for 24 hours. Loads of you for months, drugs when hypomanice can brcbad and vknow there is risk snd i'm willing to they hsve drugs to come doen ans friend to stat suoports id after another too call for back up over rightt sdssion is 2 pm snd is 3 hours long, before my friend take over psychoks from street mdma has happened to me befote yrears ago but this feels safer and necessary for my healing snd gettjng lost piece of my self back, so i can enough to take bryter care. I'm off work s weeks for a medical pricrdure just to be on the safe song. I following this up with s 3 day shamanic workshops for woubded healers. And stickibng with 90% of my meds. So here goes. I'm already fasting because was 24 hours only clear fluid. So work and the morning. And this in that afternoon. If it's ok i'll post about is after works. I hoping for bits of soul reltrieval, insight, and healing.
I don't feel manic now more making bad choices, i need to figure out what us helping whst is good, and to do next do next. I've just seen gp and in perfect physical health , so should be fine. Wish me luck

I appreciate you reading a support