[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I got in an argument with my husband today about a misunderstanding we had this morning and my general feeling of being overwhelmed and having too much on my plate. It's not unusual at this time of year for me to feel like this, because it's his busy season and he really can't help around the house as much. On top of that, I cancelled my kids' summer camp because of some issues there, so they're home with my all day while I'm trying to work. Instead of that happening like it should, I'm policing the way they interact with each other, getting constant interruptions about being hungry or wanting permission to do various things, and they're leaving messes everywhere that I have to stay on top of them to deal with.

So our argument this morning started with our misunderstanding and ended up going into how much I'm feeling used up by the things that have to get done in our family and not feeling like everyone else is chipping in. That made him angry. And now I'm stuck in the same spot I always come to when we have a conflict - I wish I had just not said anything at all. Most of what I said was directed at the kid issues, but I still let on enough of feeling like he didn't pull his weight last night that he got mad. And I didn't even get off my chest the bigger things that are frustrating me about how he's approaching his end of what has to get done around the house.

So I made him mad, still didn't get to say what's really making me angry that he has a hand in, and wish I had either said everything or nothing at all. If I
had said everything, he'd still be mad, but at least it would be about all of it and not just a small part. Now I can't say the rest without getting into an even larger argument and making him more angry. If I hadn't said anything at all, I'd still feel just a angry and frustrated as I do now, but he wouldn't know and wouldn't be angry also.

It makes me feel like I should just ignore when things make me frustrated or feel overwhelmed, just suck it up and move on. Sometimes I fear that I'm waiting for some big calamity to just make it all go away - or something that would spawn a starting over. I fantasize about making my family so angry with me that I could justifiably leave, they would appreciate that, and I could become a hermit somewhere doing just what was absolutely necessary to exist without bothering with trying to keep in touch or communicate with others. To do exactly and only what I need to get from day to day and not have it complicated by trying to facilitate others' lives, needs and desires as well.

As a bonus, I feel horrible about having any of those thoughts at all. I just want to give up on it all...

[Yours_Truly]

[JustJace2u]

I know how you feel, although my scenario involves co-workers (I'm not married).

I'm so sorry you are going through this....you deserve to be heard....you deserve to get things off your chest as long as you do your best to say things in a constructive way. I wonder if your husband is intentionally shutting you down so he won't need to make a change. It sounds like you are really overwhelmed, struggling and need some support in your life. Are you in therapy? A therapist might have some suggestions on how to talk to your husband and get your needs met. Or perhaps get some therapy with your husband....sometimes an outside party making suggestions is more impactive.

I am so sorry you are struggling and I hope you find a way to peacefully resolve this situation and that everyone's needs can be better met. (((Hugs)))

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I'm not seeing a therapist right now, ElsaMars. The struggles have been really few and far between lately, so I've been trying to manage on my own. Mostly, it's been working, but today I just got really overwhelmed and didn't know what to do with it all. You're right about being heard - a lot of the frustration today emanated from conversations between me and him and conversations between me and my kids. It feels like I say things, and sometimes they only listen or process a fraction of what I say. Today it was where to meet for me to pick up our daughter after he took her to the gym. I mentioned meeting him at work, and then he said he could meet me in the lobby, which is a little weird because I don't normally think of their entry as a lobby. So I asked if he meant in front of his boss' office (by his name); he said yes and said 'by the bar'. When you walk into his office, there's a check-in window (that's unused and closed) with a ledge. I figured that's what he meant. Turns out, he meant the bar in the lobby of the gym, and there's a membership office in the front that belongs to a man with the same name as his boss. Class misunderstanding, right? Except that I explicitly started the conversation saying at his office, and he NEVER said at the gym. He described where he was thinking in his mind, even though he heard me say his office. So we didn't connect. I get how it happened, but it's the fact that the words I speak to clarify expectations and desires aren't really listened to.

Same thing with some of the things I needed to be done last night while I was at a meeting and he was with the kids; I told them (the kids) the one thing I needed them to do. Instead, they didn't do it at all, and they all made s'mores while I was at my meeting. So I had to do what I had asked them to do when I got into the car this morning. It's the same thing about not being heard at all.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't think it's a BP thing, but my lack of resiliency around the issue certainly is. I'm feeling a little better tonight, simply for having said some of what's bothering me. Still, I'd like to figure out a better way to deal with it all.

The main suggestion I have is to build some self-esteem so you can be assertive and not feel guilty for stating your needs. Your husband needs to learn to be a better, less defensive listener from the sounds of it. In the case of the misunderstandings, they happen to everyone, nobody is really at fault and nobody had bad intentions. Regarding the kid part, I have no suggestions. My 16 year old follows all rules by the book. My 19 year old hasn't listened to half of what I've said in years.....I have no idea how to get a kid to listen (except the obvious, restriction, video games, stripping his room of everything but a mattress, bedding and a few articles of plain clothing). Nothing worked for my son. He's a pain in the arse. .

I'm very sorry you are going through all of this and I hope you get the support you need. You deserve it! Raising a family is hard work, especially if you have BP. I'm going through a lot of stress right now too, and my stability feels shaky due to anxiety....so I understand how stress can shake you. (((Hugs)))

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Thanks, ElsaMars. I spoke with my husband about it some more, and I don't think I'll keep my kids out of summer care again. Maybe a week on and a week off, or something, but having them in my space & attention while I'm still trying to work from home is too much for me. School is back in soon, and we have a camp for them coming up, as well as a trip to see family for a week, which will also relieve some of the pressure on my focus for work.

As for the assertiveness, I definitely have a problem there. And the way my husband and I communicate with each other is the only real issue in our relationship. We're on board with each other in almost every other area. His style is just so different from mine that we end up butting heads and getting angry when we have conflicts, which honestly are pretty far and few between.

One thing I think could help is if I recognize I'm getting overwhelmed and let him know before we hit the straw that breaks the camel's back. I can't have a rational conversation with him about what I need for support if I'm already past the breaking point. I need to work on that. I've gotten much better over the past 3 years or so on that front, but obviously I wasn't paying close enough attention over the last 3 weeks or so to my own stress levels.

As for the kids, they're great most of the time. They're young (6 & 10), so sometimes my expectations don't really align well with their developmental capabilities. My husband reminded me that it's probably unrealistic at this point to expect my 6-year-old to independently look around the house and see if there's anything that should be put away or taken care of. After I lost my cool yesterday morning, my daughter (10) asked me to make her a list of things that need to get done, because she can get distracted easily and forget what else has to happen past the thing she's working on at the moment. We did that, and a lot of what had to happen in the house got done yesterday. I feel much better about that. I also think that my stress level about having them home might improve if I assign them one task to do each day that would be helpful to the household; then the work doesn't feel like it's piling up, and they get a decent lesson in managing time and monitoring/managing all the things that keep the household running.

In reality, both for my kids and my husband, it's not that they're unwilling to help/support, it's that I and a highly sensitive person and my base stress/anxiety level rises every time I see something that needs to get done that I can't address right then. Without it being pointed out, my kids generally don't see it. My husband sees the things, but isn't stressed about handling everything immediately; he is fine to wait 5 days until it's convenient to take care of it. In those 5 days, I can explode from the stress of seeing it constantly and feeling like if I don't do it, it won't get done. Partially, that's my nature, and partially I think the stress comes from working at home and always being in the middle of whatever needs to get done without having the ability to address it when I'd like to. Something else for me to work on.

[GoldenSnitch]

Lots and lots of ((hugs)). If it were me, I would try and say the rest that I needed to say, even if a bigger argument came of it.

Before my separation, I experienced a lot of what you are talking about and I would periodically snap because I was overwhelmed and got no help and support. My husband and I would have arguments about him not helping me, and how I felt like I was sinking and couldn't take it anymore. It never worked for long, but I said what I needed to say. Since I've been on my own and my meds are starting to kick in, I feel a lot less overwhelmed, but that is just my situation.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Sometimes I'm just not sure whether I'm being realistic or not. It's hard for me, because I feel like I need more support than most people would from time to time. I hate to ask my husband to do more than his share, especially because he already does a TON more than most of my friends' husbands in the home, from helping with laundry/cleaning to being a complete & full 50/50 partner with parenting (he's the BEST dad), to checking in with me to see if there are things I need help with. He also handles most of the yardwork. That said, during his busy season I'll deal with the lawn or the weed-whacking, manage most of the daily cleaning, and nearly all of the laundry. However it flushes out, he is an equal partner - so I hate it all the more when I need him to do more, since he also works more. I feel like the nature of my needs are unfair to him, if that makes sense. So I try to ignore it. Which I need to work on, because it doesn't do me or him any favors in the end.