[Hawk Heart]

Hi everybody. I look forward to being a part of your community: give & take.

For a long time, mornings have been depressing for me, good sleep or bad. I just get up, make coffee, take my meds, walk the dogs, and do some thinking. Now that may be a dangerous activity in itself perhaps?

The last few days have been worse.

A friend betrayed. At least that's how it seemed and felt. I try to use principles of realizing and resentment, looking at my side, and giving us both forgiveness. Even if she doesn't really need it. She is probably right. She said, "you are 'off' and erratic. You're all about yourself and your experiences." That is probably true, at least part of the time. I'm in AA and I can recognize when my pain and blame is because I hurt and my pride has been hurt.

It still hurts. I don't know how many of you believe in a "higher power," but I do. My prayers have helped me realize that I'm dealing with a resentment and my feelings are not the reality. But I am really having a hard time getting past this and it's harder to recover from my morning depressions.

I have made manic choices in my recent past, even though most of the time I am fairly stable. IDK what I need to do next.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Maybe you have helpful ideas. I don't have suicidal thoughts at all, but it is harder to keep going and I need to snap out of this.

[Unrigged64072835]

You might benefit from therapy to work on your morning thought patterns. Maybe there's some negative self-talk that needs to be corrected. Or some cognitive distortions that need to be checked. Whatever it is, it would help to talk to a professional about it.

As far as your friend is concerned: it's tough to take criticism. It hurts, no matter whether it is correct or not. Since you mentioned that there may be some truth to her remarks, this would be a good opportunity to make amends. It may take some time for your ego to get over it, but you're not a bad person because you made mistakes, as long as you learn from them and move forward.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Hawk Heart: To some extent I think mornings can simply be difficult. I know they are for me. I'm always down in the mornings. I also struggle with a lot of passive suicidal thought... just wishing I would... well... you know... It's really just a physical thing... serotonin levels & all that stuff.

Of course, I have a narrative... a story I tell myself about why it is I'm depressed. And there is a sense in which it's all true. But it's also true, I believe, that it has at least as much to do with brain chemistry as it does with what happened yesterday, last week, last month, etc. As a result, I strive to simply accept what is going on in my mind... with lovingkindness & compassion.